(Now, now.. I'm sure he was a great parent.. just bad luck with his childrens' health!)
I have six girls to shepherd into adulthood. Six! Two of the six will be 18 in December. In fact, they will turn 18 on the 18th - I am thinking a theme party might be in order but that's another post for another day. Today I am pondering the stress of raising teenage girls to be happy, healthy and wise. Wise! Did you just hear my snorts of mirth? Sorry, I will contain my laughter by imagining the ticked off girls who read this post later and inevitably shoot me furtive looks of irritated disgust. All I can say is that I am damn lucky my mom didn't have a blog when I was a teen!
Even though I joke about having teenagers, I will be the first to tell you that raising my girls has been relatively smooth sailing. They are compassionate and kind, tell me every day that they love me, never skimp on the goodnight/goodmorning hugs, and they are awesome helpers around the house! (Only some nagging required!) Up until now, this parenting thing has been cake and I've occasionally wondered what the big deal is. How can there be so many books written on a subject that seems to steer itself?
Ha!
Enter the variable. One of my teenagers has entered the love phase. You know, the undying-can't live without you or I'll stop breathing, kind of love? Believe me, Romeo and Juliette have been in the front of my mind a lot lately and it's all I can do to control the gag reflex on some days. However, I do remember what teenage love feels like and I also remember that there is actual pain involved. You mean I have to hang up the phone after only 2 hours of conversation? Ouch, what is that pain in my stomach? I can't be with Mr. Adorable today? Ohmigosh, there's a burning sensation in my heart.. my actual heart! Oh yes, I remember it well. So I'm trying to be understanding without putting my toe over that razor's edge of being a parent and being a parent who acts more like a friend (a friend who doesn't have parents). Most days I collapse into bed emotionally exhausted. Oh the drama!
It turns out that this parenting of teens isn't exactly as easy as I thought!
The other day an issue of cell phone use came up (I'll spare you the long backstory) and I had to go online to check cell phone usage for one of my girls. I had to use both hands to pick my jaw up off of the floor. No joke! In two weeks, my darling little girl had racked up nearly 2400 text messages! How is this even possible? As I looked at the texting details, I discovered that this daughter of mine had been texting through the nights, texting at school, pretty much texting every single minute of every day. I wondered outloud if she had calluses on her fingertips. (Just a bit of advice on that... teens don't like that kind of humor. It didn't go over well for me and it probably wouldn't for you either, so I suggest you avoid that temptation.) As shocking as the texting frequency was, it wasn't what got my daughter's phone taken away, no matter what she tells her friends about it now.I have one very big rule in my house. Don't lie! I have always taught my girls that it is better to tell the truth, even if they think it is going to get them in trouble. To emphasize this lesson, I have always gone easier on any required discipline if they tell me the truth up front, and I lay down the grounding hammer of doom and gloom if they tell me a lie. You think they would learn that when mom asks a question, she sometimes already knows the answer so be sure to tell the truth! Even with more than a dozen years of training, I quickly found out that this lesson needed to be taught again and as a result the cell phone gets to take a nice, quiet vacation for the next two weeks.
Helpful hint of the day: If you don't want to tip someone off to anything amiss, do try to hide your panic when your cell phone gets confiscated. Otherwise, your text messages might be checked when alarm bells start going off along with the red flags being carelessly tossed in every direction.
Again, I'll spare you the details because quite frankly, I wish I could erase it from my own mind. But a word to the wise: If you're going to read your teen's text messages, be prepared! (I have been reassured that it was all completely innocent but it just looks bad when taken out of context. I've chosen to believe this in order to deal with it.)
As parents, we know that we have to teach our kids how to be respectable, successful adults. We spend every waking minute carefully crafting their behavior and manners in a way that we can be proud of. I don't want a bunch of mini me minions... (Triple M Mafia?) I want them to be individuals and be happy with their choices in life. To me that is the hallmark of a successful parent. What I did not take into account was the boyfriend factor. Now there is another person, with different thoughts and upbringing, impacting our daily lives and I am completely unprepared for it!
I actually caught myself sounding like my mother and that made me cringe like I was chewing tinfoil!
"I don't care what everyone else is doing, this is my house and these are my rules." Great one. I think the edges of reality blurred when I said this and I actually time traveled to my childhood home.
"You may think of yourself as grown up, but you're still just a child. It is not OK to cross that line." I hated it when my mom said that to me. I am certain it was just as cheesy when I said it to my daughter, but I don't know how else to convey the principle behind it.
So the discussion my Dear Hubby and I had with Daughter was awkward for us and beyond tearful for her. She was mad, offended, defensive and fixated on a spot of the ceiling that held her icy glare, thereby protecting me from the deep freeze radiating off of her. I was thinking how I wished we could go back to the days when our biggest issue was avoiding the temptation of sticking poptarts in the VCR. Now that's a lecture I can really get behind and deliver with style!
But wait, there's more!
We could have had the discussion with Daughter and called it good, but I felt that I needed to speak to Boyfriend as well. Who knows what he is hearing from her... she may be telling him that our family believes in midnight texting sessions and that the moon is really one great big Cookie Crisp cereal bite and we own real estate there. You get the idea. Boyfriend was already planning on coming over to hang out on Labor Day so I figured my opportunity was about to arrive. I told Daughter that Boyfriend could expect to have a sit down with Hubby and me.
Just try to imagine the terror a 15 year old boy would feel upon hearing such news! I have never before seen a kid shake in fear as I walked into a room. (My own kids have never feared me, and that's a good thing!) I imagine this is how world leaders must feel when they walk into a Peace Summit. Oh the power!
I talked to both of them by myself. (Hubby chickened out at the last second.. he was afraid he would throttle the poor boy!) They were both extremely quiet and would nod their heads or mumble "OK" from time to time, but other than that there was not much conversation happening. All of the earlier drama was completely missing. I am still trying to figure that one out. Does it mean that Daughter finally saw the point I was trying to make or does it mean that she just doesn't want Boyfriend to see her dramatic side? The only thing I know for certain is that neither of them, at this point in their lives, can comprehend how difficult it was for me to have that conversation with them. However, I do hope that 20ish years from now, Daughter will call me up one day and say, "Mom, I finally get it! How did you cope with the drama when I was a teen?" I hope the Universe doesn't disappoint me on that one. My mom earned it and now so have I!
So, Mr. Twain, while I don't necessarily believe we should barrel our children for four years before giving up on them entirely, I do have days when I wish there was a barrel in my size. Not anything permanent, mind you, just someplace to hide until the teenage storm has passed and then I can sit in my too quiet house and get teary eyed as I reminisce and miss the wonderful days of parenting teenage girls.
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