Aliens Abducted My Teenagers

I'd like to start by saying that no one told me it was going to be this difficult.  I have spent so many years thinking this parenting thing was easy street. My kids weren't picky eaters, there was no emotional drama ripping through the house on a daily basis, and they weren't dependent on designer clothes or boys.

I think aliens kidnapped my family and replaced them with lookalikes.

These days I am forced to admit that a few of my kids have really strange food issues and I spend way more afternoons/evenings than I care to admit locked in conversations with teary-eyed teens that weepy-talk in super high pitched voices.  Every one of those conversations begins with some new horrible thing I've done to them this time.

I would never dare roll my eyes in front of the emotional time bombs otherwise known as my daughters, but privately my eyes are getting quite the workout!

The other day I explained to Hubby that these drama sessions are a lot like discussing philosophy with a duck. It just doesn't get us anywhere! I've realized that nothing I say will quell the emotional riptide they are caught up in and there's no way in Hades that my darling girls will ever consider that they might be wrong about something. Heaven help me!

I try to be empathetic, assuring them that I know exactly what they are going through.... After all, I've been there, done that! And you know what? I'd like to spare them some of the angst they are signing up for. It never, ever works though. Although I kindly keep my eye-rolling private, my girls have no such compunction and they roll away.. right in front of me! It's enough to make me wish for a Pez dispenser filled with Valium.

And so the dance goes.

Don't get me wrong, not all of the girls are going through the emotional drama wars. And if it happened to be more than one of them at any given time, I'm sure I would have moved out by now. But even though they are rotating the drama schedule so that they get time off, I never have that luxury. I'd love to pause the convo in the beginning and tell them, "Sorry, tonight is not my night to be the drama coach." but unfortunately it doesn't work that way when Hubby is on swing shift. Nope, I'm all alone with the teary aliens.

The other irritating thing about all of this is that they seem to reset so quickly! They empty themselves of the drama like a fast moving bout of food poisoning and then they move on. I'm not so lucky. I brood. I wonder what I could do differently. I agonize over how to do a better job of turning them into successful, wonderful people. And when my feelings are hurt, I pout for at least a day. At least!

These days I sport a lot of battle wounds and the truth is that the drama is over such minor things that none of it should ever get so inflated. I'm a tired mama that needs a vacation someplace warm, somewhere quiet with an occasional steel drum band off in the distance.

Is that too much to ask?

I adore my girls and I happen to think they are already pretty darn successful. They get amazing grades, scholarship offers and they give me hugs and kisses every day. They're awesome kids! If we could just keep the alien invasion at bay, there would never be an ounce of drama in our house.  ;)

Another Chapter Begins

From the time they're born, little girls are conditioned to be princesses. Pink clothes, hair bows, oohs and ahhs and attention to every detail, little girls are women in the making and it is a task I have dedicated my adult life toward.

Okay, maybe not the Princess part. I'll admit that I have put out subtle messages that princesses are annoying at best, and nauseating to the general population on a daily basis. But that does not mean that I don't expect manners and (attempted) grace from my girls. My parting instructions to them whenever we are out in public are so ingrained in their psyche that now all I have to say to them is, "Do I even need to say it?" They know the drill. Their standing orders are to be on their very best behavior, and we must be doing something right because my relatives all think that my kids handle adversity with alacrity and aplomb, never an argument in sight.

This is the part where I could go into detail about Abby and Linzie's habit of fighting in secret so they can work out their differences without getting punished, or about how any one person's "tone" can start an argument that sucks in the entire family like a black hole suffering from PMS, but today I'm talking about illusions so let's put those little details back under wraps and continue the fairytale.

For a teenage girl, a high school dance is the equivalent of going to the ball and every one of them want to be Cinderella. For the last 13 years I have known the day might come when I would have to manage a financial miracle in order to afford gowns, shoes and the other glamorous necessities but as it turns out, knowing about a possibility and accepting the inevitable are entirely different. I was about to be thrust into a world that made as much sense to me as the Mad Hatter, and I had to figure out how to keep a smile on my face so I would not ruin the experience for my giggling girls.

As luck would have it, two of my girls decided that they would like to go to Sweetheart's dance at their high school. Once we got past the elaborate ritual of "ask and answer" (tradition mandates that this be done completely in secret, and preferably under the cloak of night for some silly reason), it was time to start laying out the cash for dresses, flowers, purses, jewelery, shoes, day activities, dance tickets, pictures, and dinner...whew! My bank account balance was in a free fall and I had a nifty new habit of wringing my hands and scrunching my brow every time I heard the words, "Mom, when can we go shopping?"

Ugh, shopping!

I cannot explain why I was born without the shopping gene, but trust me when I say that I absolutely despise anything having to do with the mall or dressing rooms and because of this genetic deficiency I was completely hyperventilating at the thought of hours and hours of gown and accessory shopping looming over me.

Couldn't I have a nice, relaxing tax audit instead?

In spite of my inner turmoil, with a forced smile and lots of deep breathing, I managed the pushy sales women, over crowded dressing areas, and maneuvering through the closet-sized jewelry store. Someone should have offered me a medal of honor at that point! I was so delighted that I could have burst out in a shopper's rendition of "Hallelujah" because only the shoes remained and that would be a piece of cake, right?


shoe /ʃu/ Show Spelled [shoo] Show IPA noun,plural shoes, (especially British Dialect) shoon; verb,shod or shoed, shod or shoed or shod·den, shoe·ing.
–noun
1. an external covering for the human foot, usually of leather and consisting of a more or less stiff or heavy sole and a lighter upper part ending a short distance above, at, or below the ankle.

Note that nowhere in that definition does it say elusive, difficult to find, or nonexistent. In fact, there are billions and billions of shoes in this world and more are being manufactured every day! With dozens of stores to choose from, all within  a 4 mile radius of our home, shoe shopping should have been a breeze! Okay, so 50% of it WAS a breeze. Here's how it went with Madi's shoes, "Look, Madi, these are shoes that will cover your feet and just like your dress, they are black. Ooh sparkles!" Ring them up. Done. Ka-Ching!

However, if you know my Emily, then you know that nothing she does is ordinary or expected, including shoe shopping. While I had images of sensible heels, or an elegant slipper, Emily was dreaming of Green High Top Converse.

 As Carley and I gently tried to persuade her into pretty straps and bright pinks, Emily was turning her nose up at anything that would dare to show her toes and shooting down suggestions faster than Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral. Two days before the dance I actually considered the Converse because I didn't want my girl to go barefoot! By the time we entered store number six, I was ready to buy anything that even slightly interested her, and that is how she ended up with very expensive,gravity defying high-heeled shoes that made her date look vertically challenged and were destined to be abandoned almost as soon as the dancing started.

Ahh the things we do for our children!

The day of The Dance arrived and after their day activities, my girls began their primping in such a way that made me think of tribal rituals. The table was covered with beautification tools and us helpers were standing at attention. Let the process begin!

• Beautiful gowns? Check!
• Hair curled, pinned and sprayed in place so that even a tornado could not displace a single glossy strand? Check!
• Glamor makeup? Check!
• A tiny hint of perfume? Check!
• Perfect shoes and accessories? Check and Double Check! 
 

I stood back, camera in hand, taking pictures of my little girls who suddenly didn't look so little anymore and I asked myself, "Did I allow this to happen? What have I done?" Yes, they looked perfectly stunning, magnificently beautiful... but I was not prepared for the feeling of  my babies slipping away from me and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to scoop them up and whisk them back in time.

 

 

The girls had a great time at the dance(sans expensive shoes) and when they came home we laughed together as they shared their adventures with the rest of us. We all went to bed exhausted that night, long past midnight (eat your heart out, Cinderella!) and more than a few of us slept in the next day.

I'm still struggling with the strangeness of feeling that I dressed them up like brightly colored exotic birds, or offerings for some quirky tribal ritual. It completely goes against my instincts as a mother to help my daughters achieve this sophisticated look when they are still just little girls in my eyes.


We're not Amish, and I don't think either of them would dress as a nun, but at the very least there should be an instructional video full of coping techniques to ease me gently into this new chapter of life!

Mom! Mommy! Mama! Mother! Mom! Ma!

I've just decided that I do some of my most creative thinking on Saturday mornings. As I explored that revelation further, I came to the conclusion that this is because my dear husband is working hard in the tower, my darling family is still sleeping and I have my thoughts-
All. To. Myself.

Oh the freedom!

Don't get me wrong, I adore my family. It's just, how do I say this delicately? I think they're afraid that if they leave me alone for one second, I'll vanish like a sleepy dream and then they'll be like, "Dude, I had this gnarly dream about this lady that like took care of us, and entertained us, and it was hilarious to throw things at her because she kept coming back for more!" And then someone else would pipe in and say, "We saw that movie. It was Bicentenial Man, you knob!"

Robin Williams as a futuristic robot. Hilarious!

Seriously though, I have friends who have not yet taken that leap into parenthood and for them I have some advice. Follow the instructions written here and if you can pull it off without going bald, waking up with your spouse strangling you, or selling your Earthly possessions and running away to live Wilderness Family style in the Wal Mart parking lot, then congratulations! You're ready for parenthood!


1. Remove all of the doors in your house. Just throw them away. You don't need them anymore, not even in the bathroom. Privacy, what's that?

2. When someone calls you on the phone, immediately put them on speakerphone and call everyone into the room. Your conversations are not yours alone.

3. Buy a retro Jack in the Box and play with it until the little tune becomes the most lovely sound you've ever heard and you just can't live without it. Hum the tune everywhere you go, especially in board meetings. Other parents will smile knowingly at you.

4. When you have a fight with your spouse, take a moment to move out to the front lawn and continue there. Everyone that knows you will find out about it anyway when your kids post it on Facebook. At least this way they get a front row seat!

5. When you get paid, cash your check and pass it out to your kids. Tell them that they can spend it however they choose since they now get all of your money anyway.

6. Watch Nickelodeon all the time. Learn to love it. LEARN. TO. LOVE. IT!

7. Gather up your favorite possessions - Movies, books, electronics, etc. Take a sharp object and gouge the hell out of the dvds and then gather all the sticky substances from your fridge and pantry and have a party coating these valuables. Then throw them in the trash. Convince yourself that you don't miss them much anyway.

8. Take turns having random breakdowns in front of your spouse. Even better, invite your inlaws to watch. Cry, rant, accuse the other of not understanding you. Do not use tisues to wipe the snot from your nose, your sleeve works best. Then go find a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and give your spouse funny looks when he or she tiptoes into the room wearing a catcher's mask and football pads. Be sure to tell your spouse that you think he or she is completely overreacting to your breakdown.

9. Wait until the very last second to: fill your vehicle with gas, do your taxes, pay your bills, write the important presentation for your business meeting, and cook Thanksgiving dinner for 35 people. These "Hail Mary" skills will come in handy when your child tells you they have a science project due. Tomorrow!

10. Have your spouse's name legally changed to "Mama" or "Dad" Because that is how you will address them from now on, even though they are not your mother or your father.

11. Bounce a basketball off the hood of your shiny vehicle, repeatedly. Then get on a bike and gouge the paint from front to rear with the bike handle. There, that's much prettier!

12. Buy Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals cookbook. Then laugh at the fish section. No kid eats fish!

13. Turn up the volume on every television, stereo, and radio that you own to full blast. Then break the remote so you can't change it back. You only need one volume setting anyway.

14. Every time someone tells you something they did that day, respond with, "What were you thinking?" Believe me, you're going to need the practice!

15. Go to your local orthodontist and ask him where he likes to vacation. Offer to pay for his entire family to take a 2 week, all expense paid trip to the destination of his choice, hand him your credit cards. Walk away.

16. Tell your spouse, 15 times every day, how bored you are.

17. Wait until your spouse finishes putting away all of the groceries then stand in front of the fridge or pantry and declare that there is nothing to eat.

18. Paint the walls of your bedroom or bathroom with your best makeup.

19. Hide the car keys from each other, constantly. Do not help locate the keys when your spouse is late for work.

20. Begin every sentence with, "When I was your age.."

So there you have it. Crying is allowed. In fact, I believe it is a requirement when you become a parent. Red Badge of Courage has nothing on my Feel Sorry For Myself tears when the kids have spent the day shredding my nerve endings. I did mention how much I love them, right?

Carley and Madison

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed and the most important changes began 17 years ago with the birth of my first two daughters. I definitely had no idea what I was in for when the doctor told me I was having twin girls. I was young (21), excited, and oh so naive! I eagerly awaited their arrival and imagined getting to know the two little strangers who would one day become two of my best friends.

The afternoon they were born was cold and snowy. We had so much snow that winter that we literally had to walk through a snow cave to get out of our apartment and to the car. We were at the hospital around 3pm and had to wait around until 5:50 but then it all happened quickly. Doctors, nurses and parents all getting ready for an early Christmas gift!

At 5lbs 11oz, Madison was born first and she didn't cry much. I heard a little bit of crying but mostly squeeking. At 5lbs 4oz Carley was born only a minute later and she was so quiet. She looked around the room and then rubbed a tiny fist over her eyes and went back to sleep. Already, little boo was bored and figured she'd sleep until things got more exciting.

I remember that Madison looked at me through eyes that seemed old and wise. And I wished she could tell me what she was thinking. I had the feeling that if I could communicate with her, she would have wonders and secrets to share with me. She had this adorable little smirk that let everyone know she knew things that we didn't... She still does that to this day!

Next they bundled Carley up and handed her to me in bed. She had the biggest blue eyes! I held her closely as they wheeled me to the recovery room where EVERYONE was waiting! Grandparents, Aunts, cousins, NINE people waited to meet the babies! In this age of Swine Flu and RSV, that would never in a million years happen now!

It was chaotic in that room and I was shaking from morphine. But the whole world stopped when my mom told me that Carley was blue! Panic struck me harder than I had ever felt it before. I remember pushing the nurse call button over and over but it had not been hooked up. I heard someone yell for the nurse who came running and took Carley away.

In a room full of people, I cried out of fear and a feeling of helplessness. I had been a mom less than an hour and I didn't know how to handle the fear that I felt for my little baby.

Later they told us that Carley had quit breathing and kept forgetting to breathe every few minutes. They took her to the NICU where they hooked her up to multiple IVs and monitored her breathing very closely. It was also discovered that she couldn't stay warm. To this day, my Carley loves her blankets and sweatshirts... she started that from day one, I believe.

A few days later we all went home together. I began the long, and sometimes difficult, process of learning how to care for two little people. Carley was a snuggle bug who insisted on being held constantly or she would cry. Madie was quiet and liked to check people out. I always felt that she was studying the world - as if she had to learn as much as she could, as quickly as possible.


My girls, my heart.


The years brought so many challenges and even greater happiness. I watched Carley's budding art interest (walls, doors, furniture, any surface would do!), and I watched Madie continue to study the world around her. Madie loved working on the computer with her dad, and her favorite word was, "why?"

My first two daughters taught me about mothering. In an instant they transformed me and it was no longer about me. I would do anything for them and over the years I made what sacrifices I could to ensure their happiness. They have not disappointed me!

Carley, you are a quiet soul who thinks of the world in artistic ways. You find beauty in color, light, and texture... all of the things that the great artists discovered and explored before you. I love how you are a Mama Bear in training. I see you figuring out how to negotiate peace and how to care for those around you and it makes me so proud. You are determined,courageous and kind. Those qualities will take you far in this world. Never lose your compassion and keep exploring!

Madie, ever the scientist... I know you love it when you get to teach me something new - but you know what? You have been teaching me about many things for the past 17 years! You have taught me about life! Knowledge is your strength and your passion. Use it to continue to do great things. I am so proud of all of your accomplishments and for the way you seek out new challenges. Don't ever let setbacks keep you from exploring. Learn and grow from all things around you and you will always be successful.

My girls, you are the very foundation of my soul. I can't remember what I ever did without you in my life! Thank you for making me a mother 17 years ago... and every day since then! Through you I have experienced the joys of childhood and I have looked at everything through new eyes. You have been my redemption and I am so lucky to be your mom! I love you both so much!

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY, SWEET GIRLS!!!

My Babies Are Officially Teenagers!

How can I properly pay tribute to the two little girls who defied the odds many times over? I began writing this entry on the morning of their birthday but try as I might, I could not find the words to adequately capture the spirit of the day - the day my little girls turned thirteen. All day my heart overflowed with emotion and I can only hope I am able convey to my girls how amazing and special they truly are. Abby and Linzie, you are both precious gifts to your family - on your birthday and every other day of the year. Never lose the strength, love and tenacity that you both possess, for I believe that those qualities are the very reasons why you are with us today.


Amid the chaos of our everyday lives, it is easy to forget that Abby and Linzie are walking miracles. As a young mother, I had desperately hoped for a second set of twins, but I did not count on the risks we would encounter… the heartache we would face, and the ultimate joy we would experience when the toughest challenges were conquered.

Twin to Twin Transfusion is not as hopeless for babies as it once was, but thirteen years ago the life saving surgery was still experimental and I could not predict what the future would hold for my precious, unborn daughters. I never gave up though.. and every time we encountered problems, I only had to think of the vivid dream I had (before I even knew I was expecting) about a little girl with dark curls who had told me her name was Linzie and that she had a sister who looked exactly like her. So we dug in our heels and prepared for the fight of our lives… the fight for their lives.

The pregnancy was anything but normal. At 18 weeks I traveled to Milwaukee for experimental LASER surgery to try and save Abby and Linzie's lives. It was risky, but I knew in my heart that it was our best hope and so I went. After the surgery, I had to be careful to limit my activity so the babies could continue to grow. It was a long summer filled with hopes and dreams. Not once did I regret the decisions I had made for their sake.


Born 7 weeks early into the too bright and too loud world, Abby was a tiny 2lbs 12 oz, and Linzie was 4lbs 14oz. Not even an hour after her birth, I was told that Linzie had a very dangerous heart condition and she had to be life-flighted to Primary Children’s Medical Center. I remember feeling devastated that we had come so far, beat so many odds, only to be blindsided by this news. I watched through my tears as they brought my tiny girl to my bedside so I could tell her goodbye. And then, just as quickly, they were gone. My heart hurt in a way I had never experienced before. I was angry that I was unable to accompany my baby in her time of need, and I struggled to accept the fact that we were once again locked in a desperate, life or death battle.. before we had even had time to breathe and celebrate their birth.

And so I cried.

The next day, I was allowed to see Abby in the NICU. After the sterilizing procedures, I was wheeled in to a room that smelled sharply of antiseptic and I searched through the maze of isolettes to find one that indicated my tiny girl was inside. I was not allowed to hold her, but I could reach through the portal and touch her tiny form… her entire hand was smaller than the end of my thumb. I wondered if she even knew who I was. I talked to Abby and told her how much I loved her… and I promised her that she was not alone. I told her that all of her sisters missed her very much and I hoped she and Linzie would both fight hard to get well so we could be together again.




I was released from the hospital on day three and insisted on going directly to PCMC to see Linzie. My little girl was beautiful, even amid the multitude of tubes, wires and monitors that engulfed her tiny body. I was so overwhelmed and so completely helpless. As a mother I am supposed to protect and care for my children.. but there was nothing I could do to help my baby. I could only love her and talk to her, and encourage her to fight.

When I eventually left Linzie’s bedside and headed home, I felt shattered. My family was scattered around the valley… Linzie was at PCMC, Abby at LDS NICU, and my other three little girls waited at home. I felt out of place and time and that feeling became my constant for the next month. I struggled with feeling angry toward innocent people who had the nerve to enjoy the beautiful fall days.. I struggled with feelings of guilt as I left Carley, Madie and Emily with babysitters every day so that I could visit the babies at the hospitals. And I struggled with a feeling of failure because I felt that I somehow should have done it better.


Our ICU experience lasted a month.. a month of highs and lows. I made friends in the NICU and cried when those friends experienced loss. I struggled with guilt as my girls got stronger while some babies around us lost their valiant fight. It was only a month and yet it changed my life. Since then I have seen my sister go through health trials with her children and I have friends who continue fighting the terrible battle for their children’s lives. Abby and Linzie taught me about the things that are truly important and it is a lesson I will never forget. As long as I have my girls, there is nothing I am lacking.


The years have flown by. My babies grew up and through it all we laughed, loved and experienced the purest joy of life. Linzie’s heart is strong and her compassion mighty. Abby started out so small and yet her spirit is giant. They are my true miracles and I cannot believe that it has been thirteen years! I am so grateful that I get to witness their lives and experience the joy each one brings to our family. I love you girls!



Abby, you are my little love bug. You are so full of compassion for your family and animals and you love to help your parents no matter what the task. I look at you now and marvel at the thought of you being born weighing a scant 2lbs 12oz. You have always been a fighter, and it is that strength that will help you navigate your way through life. You bring so much joy to everyone around you - and that gut laugh you have when you see an animal do something silly is one of the greatest pleasures on the planet! Abby, when you laugh you light up the room! I love seeing you excel at all you do and I know that there is nothing you cannot do, once you put your mind to it. Thank you for being my sweet Abby Julia - we love you so much! You make your parents proud every day!

Linzie, even before you were born you were doing your best to take care of your twin sister, Abby. You did the work for the two of you and a stronger, more compassionate heart I've never seen! Everyone that knows you is proud of all that you accomplish, and you seem to do it all with ease! Every conference I have ever had with one of your teachers has been a breeze because you work so hard at everything you set out to do. I also love it that you love books as much as I do, and I hope you never lose that thirst for knowledge. I love your smiles, your hugs and your kindness. You make it so easy for us to be your parents...we love you!



We had a great day of birthday celebration that started out with presents, waffles and Thirteen Going On 30.. followed by a strange movie (9) and a fun dinner at Garcias. I hope the two of you enjoyed your special day!