The Roots Run Deep

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There are just no words to describe what we are feeling, what we have been through, what we have lost. I am so proud to be their granddaughter, mother of five of their great-granddaughters. Yet nothing can change the fact that every day without them hurts.
Sunday we gathered for a family memorial service. This time I did not hesitate. I went right over to him and put my hand gently on top of his. I struggled against the tears and the choked back sobs, consciously avoiding letting my tears stain his perfect suit.

He looked restful, finally at peace. His gentle hands rested on top of the towel that was placed there so lovingly. I noticed the toothpick in his suit pocket and smiled to myself as countless memories washed over me. I easily recalled images of him smiling, with a toothpick in his mouth, at one of our many summer cookouts, sitting at the kitchen table laughing, or walking amongst his roses. He was never without a toothpick to clutch in his teeth or twirl around in his fingers.

And there was the pin.

I had never seen it before, and that glossy red pin might as well have been pinned to my heart. A symbol of his life in the railroad industry, I held my breath at the sight of it pinned to his lapel. My broken heart swelled with pride. How I love that man!

As a family we stood together and cried, paid our last respects, and occasionally we laughed as we shared memories and worked hard to hold each other up. We know he is happy, but we mourn our loss nonetheless.

Monday dawned gray, cloudy (Just like another day in August) and cold. We commented on how the snow falling on that morning was like a gift to us, as the August rain had been not so long ago. As we approached the cemetery, it became difficult to breathe. There would be no happy ending for any of us that day.

I will always remember looking up and seeing tiny angels adorning the pine boughs above the graves. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds as we began to sing quiet, tearful tributes of "Home on the Range" and "I've Been Working on the Railroad."

How is it possible for a broken heart to break over and over again?
We crowded together, possibly for the last time, in my Grandparents' house that afternoon. There was an endless amount of love, heartbreaking tears, and even some much needed laughter. I'm certain Grandma and Grandpa would have approved. Well, except for the part about all of us exploring the forbidden basement.

I walked through the house with my husband and my girls, silently saying goodbye to the structure that housed so many wonderful childhood memories. I carefully photographed the house, the walls, the windows, anything that would help me to keep those memories alive forever.

It hurts to say goodbye.


The Robinson legacy is mighty and as his memorial program so eloquently pointed out,our roots run deep. I am so grateful for the rich heritage I have been given and for the love that this family exudes. Now it is time to carefully preserve their history by writing and retelling their stories so that we will always have them near.

I will nag if I have to.

Holidays

Three days after Christmas and it is time for some retrospection. I hope I don't wear out the word, but once again I am so grateful for my family who are my heart and soul. We had a wonderful, if somewhat quiet, holiday and it is our hope that our friends and family enjoyed their time together as much as we did ours.

I am happy to say that even though my girls are older now, they have not lost their love and enthusiasm for Christmas. We had fun watching some great old movies to put us in the proper mood for the season. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Home Alone provided us some great family fun time that was filled with silly laughter! We watched both movies from the stylish comfort of our new sectional which replaced the old, comfy blue couch. I have actually missed that couch a lot... that is until I saw this picture of it and laughed about how worn it had become. It has been an adjustment, but now I am happy to say that the new couch is definitely an improvement!

Due to illnesses, we were not able to visit my parents' home this year on Christmas Eve and that was hard for us. Spending time at the Thomas house has been a favorite tradition for our family the night before Christmas. We usually exchange gifts (jammies and books, our favorite!) and after hours of quality time we would drive home, past what we have dubbed "Christmas Street", which is a street that is lined with houses on both sides that are unusually decked out for Christmas. We tried a drive-by after Thanksgiving, but very few houses were lit up then. Unfortunately, we missed out on that tradition this year and instead opted for a quiet evening at home, opening Christmas jammies and settling in to watch a family movie.

I could tell that the girls still have their childhood excitement for Christmas because they were giggling and making noise well into the wee hours of the morning. Even though I could hear them, they behaved and kept to the two basement rooms.. another tradition they have of holding "sleep overs" in each other's bedrooms on Christmas Eve.


Christmas morning I received an early phone call. I sleepily reached over and answered the phone on the 2nd ring. I laughed when I heard that the voice on the phone belonged to Abby. We were being summoned. They were awake and wanted us to get up with them so we could enjoy the surprise on their sleepy faces as they opened Christmas presents and saw what Santa left for them.

I never get tired of these adorable Christmas morning photos. Sleepy looks of surprise and excitement are my favorite!

It wasn't an extravagant year at our house, but the gifts were nice and very thoughtful. My girls are so kind and generous, surprising me with gifts that I didn't know they had purchased for me. Even now it chokes me up. These girls of mine are so special!
We had another gift later that day in the form of a visit from my parents. We really missed seeing them and it was fun that they took the time to come over before they went to Grandpa Robinson's house. My mom didn't bring gifts.. she brought treasures. I could not help the tears that fell as I opened a box containing a teacup and saucer that belonged to my Grandma Robinson. I know that I will always treasure that link to Grandma.

One of our favorite moments of the day was one that we refer to as "cheese." I gave each of my girls and my mom a pearl necklace. I told my girls that family is a gift more precious than anything else and that I wanted them to always know how special they are to me. I told them that I wanted to give them something nice that they could pass on to their own children one day and I hoped that they would enjoy having real pearls. I love the unity of sharing something precious with my girls and my mom. Definitely something that I hope we will all treasure.

But the absolute best part of my day was watching the video montage my girls made for me that was set to Josh Groban's "Believe" .. I broke into tears the second the music started, and as I watched slide after slide of my family the tears just kept coming. I am so touched that they would do that for me! If I can figure out how to get it past the You Tube copyright censors then I will post a link of it here. It is absolutely magical and I have never, ever been given a gift more valuable!

The days after Christmas have been filled with laughter, games and time spent together. The girls and I have enjoyed watching the chick flicks that they got as gifts and we have laughed ourselves sick playing games at the table. I can feel the vacation slipping away and I don't like that. I cherish time spent with my family and this holiday has been filled with many moments that will forever be the best of memories!

The Spaces In Between

This week has been busy. Huge. Emotionally exhausting. But even though we have been tested beyond what we have experienced before, even though we are all scrambling to establish our own hectic, must-do schedules - there have been moments of reflection, peace, and sometimes a little sadness in between. Moments that remind us to take the time to appreciate our surroundings and the people we love.



Sunday we awoke to a world shrouded in gray, rain falling from clouds as heavy as our own hearts. How appropriate. Grandma would have loved it. There were many shared thoughts, stories and emotions as we prepared to gather as a family to say goodbye. We were hurting in ways we had not experienced before and we held each other up as the day went on.

Just before we left the house, I had the girls stop so I could take their picture. They posed for their mom in spite of how they felt, and even worked up smiles for the camera. Another moment in time, alone with my girls.



Saying goodbye is never easy...



To say our emotions were all over the map would be an understatement. Sunday and Monday we cried, hugged, laughed, loved, sobbed, ached, and gave thanks for the most beautiful and perfect woman any of us ever have -or ever will know.

And we said goodbye.... For the last time.



I didn't take pictures of Bill on either of those days, but I wish I would have. He is my strength, my rock. When I was breaking down, he stood beside me - comforting me and loving me. He never left my side. He was there for our girls and for my extended family as well...offering his love and support. He is truly an amazing man.

The girls missed their first day of school on Monday as we said goodbye to Grandma, and Bill also took the day off. None of us ever gave it a second thought. We were where we needed to be. My family. My love, strength and happiness.



My heart still hurts, and I know now that it always will. I knew as we drove away that I was leaving part of myself behind. We will never get over her passing, never forget her, and there will never be another like her. Our challenge now is to learn to live with the empty space in our lives where she used to be. We talk to her every day, surrounding ourselves with the things she would love... family, music, flowers.. and love.

"Clock's still ticking, life moves on.. the radio still plays a song.. I guess the world didn't stop, for my broken heart.."



The girls started school on Tuesday - Bill and I went back to work. I began the daunting task of trying to catch up one day before the kids returned to Venture. Every now and then, I had to close my office door so I could hide the tears that came over me suddenly. "Normal" had changed, and I was working to adjust.

My girls and school are like peas and carrots. (wink and a nod to Forrest Gump) They go together perfectly. I know that the girls enjoy school and I am happy that they are back in the routines that they love. Every year I look forward to watching them learn and grow. I may not follow them to school with a camera, but I watch carefully as they drive away, and I think of them as the school bus approaches. They grow up too quickly -My little women.



My days continue at a frantic pace, and the girls are getting busier each day as well. As my calendar fills up with various "To Do's" and as I fall asleep (usually sitting up) each night, I know that life goes on... it is the spaces in between that have changed forever.

The quiet moments at the end of the day are filled with gratitude for all life's blessings. Family, Home, Heritage, Love, Dreams, Music, Art, Laughter, and even Tears. For all of this and more, we are forever grateful and will never forget.