Last night I got a text from Madi while she was working. She sometimes will send me a quick hello while she is on break, but this time was quite different.
Madi: "So I have a work assignment."
Knowing she was at work, I sort of expected that would be normal... yanno, assignments at work? I assumed there had to be something unusual about this assignment, otherwise why text me about it?
Me: "?"
Madi: "I have to come up with a crazy noise."
Me: "Foooooorrrr?"
I responded that way because I was truly mind boggled. Madi is a cook at a cafe in a fun center. Why would a cook need to make a crazy noise? In fact, wouldn't that be sort of startling to the customers if they heard strange noises coming from the kitchen as they wait for their orders?? As it turns out, the other workers want to see if Madi has a silly side. Keep in mind this is my girl who is almost always serious. Madi has no time for the movies we watch that are based on slap-stick, dumb humor and she would rather be off writing in her journal than engaging in the outrageous silliness that sometimes consumes our home. Being told to make a crazy noise really stressed Madi out and I immediately tried to be helpful with her "assignment." In fact, Hubby and the other three girls that were home at the time also tried to be helpful by suggesting noises for Madi to try.
Me: "Try that ka-ka-KA noise that Em used for Lizard hunting."
It was at that point I realized that spelling out noises was kind of difficult to do. There's just no way to convey the correct tone and pronunciation through a text message.
Madi: "Ha. That may just freak them out."
Me: "How about the whip noise .. Which-HA!"
Madi: "That could maybe work."
At that point in the conversation, the noise level in my house had definitely ratcheted up! We were demonstrating different noises that we knew and that we could possibly share with Madi. Yes, we are weird... we have been for a very long time. ;)
Me: "Car could teach you her dolphin noise?"
Madi: "Maybe"
Carley's dolphin noise is really cool. She puffs her cheeks with air and then uses a finger to tap on the outside, quickly deflating the air and making genuine dolphin noises. When I tried to mimic her, I just sounded like I was making very.. very rude noises! I never even came close to sounding like a dolphin!
Me: "Lol no. It's really hard. I just tried!"
Madi: "I could do my elephant sound....but that makes me look like a freak.."
Me: "I think they want a lil freaky, Mac."
Madi: "I know! That is just so NOT me."
She's right. It isn't her. While she was stressing over making a crazy noise, she had no idea what had happened back home. If someone had walked into our house just then, they might have thought we had recently escaped from the loony bin! There were noises of every kind imaginable and no signs of stopping any time soon. We were laughing pretty hard too! Apparently it doesn't take much to get us going. I don't know how Madi tolerates us sometimes!
Each family member that walked into the room was immediately tested. I told them to make a noise and waited to see what would happen. We had placed bets on Emily... I said she would pause and ask what was going on... Carley said Em would just immediately make a goofy noise. Carley won the bet and Em was immediately a member of the noise making squad. She came up with so many different, silly noises!
The noise factory raged on at home, but apparently my serious girl, Madi, didn't get the silly gene. Random noises are alien to her and she is stumped by this work "assignment." We did our best to help her with ideas, laughing the whole time, but I have a hard time imagining her performing any noise with ease. It's not her style. Too bad they didn't ask for an essay about noise... Madi could rock that!
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Kmart - Never A Dull Experience
I hate Kmart. Really. Hate. You may think the depths of my dislike is strange considering the fond memories of going there with my sweet grandma for boxes of tissues and greeting cards, plus a soft serve ice cream cone, don't-mind-if-I-do... But in spite of those memories infused with the soft halo-glow of childhood, I really do avoid Kmart like the plague and there's a valid reason for my feelings.
You see, after the fire that destroyed all of my material possessions when I was tempestuous teenager (a fire that was 100% my fault I might add), my parents took us to Kmart. With the cloyingly thick smell of acrid smoke still on our skin and permanently etched into our nostrils, we were told to pick out new things. We needed everything from the basic hygiene supplies to some clothing to get us through the next few days. Believe me when I say it was not fun. I walked around that store in a tear-stained daze, touching nothing, seeing nothing, feeling only shock and emptiness. Eventually my parents grabbed some unwanted whatever off of the racks for me. To this day, I couldn't tell you what items were given to me from that store, but I can't even drive past it without a cold, hard pit of despair forming in my stomach.
Imagine how difficult it is for me to live with someone who thinks Kmart is the best place to stock up on camping and boating necessities. To be fair, he is right about Kmart's prices for propane being more reasonable than Cabela's, but knowing that doesn't make my smokey-charred memories any less paralyzing as I walk through those taunting automatic doors.
Camping season is quickly approaching and it is time to repair and replenish our outdoor supplies. I ventured out with Hubby to get propane as I prepared myself for the fire memories that were sure to pick at the edges of my conscious, in spite of my determination to ignore old ghosts. We wandered around the outdoor aisles, picking up the propane for our heaters and inspecting camp chairs and mattresses as we casually made mental to-do lists in our heads. We tossed a tea kettle in our cart (for hot chocolate on frosty camping mornings) and decided we had all we needed from that store so we headed for the check-out lanes.
And that is where it got interesting/annoying/humorous.
The growing trend of the cashier being a high-pressure sales person really irks me. A long time ago I made the decision that my charitable donations would all go toward Primary Children's Hospital in my daughter's name. Although this simplified the barrage of requests we get for donations, it can make me seem miserly at times. But due to our strong ties to PCMC, I am confident in my decision to support their charity drives exclusively. Knowing that we were going to be asked to donate to something or other, I had my stock answer in the chamber and was ready to fire.
Holy cow that checker must have been in the running for employee of the month in cash register sales pitches, because I was completely unprepared for the avalanche of offers she was about to sling at us!
"Would you like to donate to the Childrens' Relief Fund?"
"No thank you."
"Do you have a Kmart shopper's card?"
"No thank you."
"Would you like to open one today and save 1%?"
"No, thank you."
"Do you have a Sears reward card?"
"No." (Hubby's sighs are getting more drawn out and I sense we're heading into troubled water.)
"You know, with a Sears card you can save on Craftsman brand and even get bonus points redeemable at Sears."
I'm literally cringing at this point, using every bit of ESP and mind-control I can muster to WILL the lady to shut up. Hubby's ears are turning red and I fear there's about to be a melt-down on aisle one.
"NO. Thank you."
"Would you care to participate in an in-store survey about your shopping experience today? It will only take a moment."
"NO. THANK YOU!"
The credit card scanner was then taken over by that very survey which she promised would only take a moment. I noticed the vein on Hubby's forehead start to pulse.
Exaggerated, exasperate sighs hissed through Hubby's teeth as he slowly said, "Do I HAVE to do this now?"
"Well, if you don't want to then you can just select decline." The cashier was actually pouting and I started to laugh on the inside. This showdown was not leaning in the cashier's favor and she knew it.
"Are you guys going camping? You know we have great sales on our camping gear going on right now, you should check them out."
Hubby and I looked at each other and then grabbed our purchased items and made a dash for the exit. We were laughing as we walked through the parking lot, amazed by the relentless sales-pitch storm we had just endured.
Jokingly, I turned to Hubby and asked, "Have you had your tonsils out? You know you could save 15% if you chose to have them removed today."
Hubby grinned and looked at me sideways. I took that as a good sign so I continued to joke around.
"Would you care to adopt a puppy today? You can select one right here at the register and get bonus reward points!"
"No? How about a Pooch You Like To Smooch card? It will give you discounts on all your pet supplies if you sign up right now."
We were snorting with giggles by the time we got in our Jeep. We shook our heads over the tenacity of the cashier and went on our way, laughing and joking about our experience. And for once, my Kmart ghosts of memories past were completely forgotten."
You see, after the fire that destroyed all of my material possessions when I was tempestuous teenager (a fire that was 100% my fault I might add), my parents took us to Kmart. With the cloyingly thick smell of acrid smoke still on our skin and permanently etched into our nostrils, we were told to pick out new things. We needed everything from the basic hygiene supplies to some clothing to get us through the next few days. Believe me when I say it was not fun. I walked around that store in a tear-stained daze, touching nothing, seeing nothing, feeling only shock and emptiness. Eventually my parents grabbed some unwanted whatever off of the racks for me. To this day, I couldn't tell you what items were given to me from that store, but I can't even drive past it without a cold, hard pit of despair forming in my stomach.
Imagine how difficult it is for me to live with someone who thinks Kmart is the best place to stock up on camping and boating necessities. To be fair, he is right about Kmart's prices for propane being more reasonable than Cabela's, but knowing that doesn't make my smokey-charred memories any less paralyzing as I walk through those taunting automatic doors.
Camping season is quickly approaching and it is time to repair and replenish our outdoor supplies. I ventured out with Hubby to get propane as I prepared myself for the fire memories that were sure to pick at the edges of my conscious, in spite of my determination to ignore old ghosts. We wandered around the outdoor aisles, picking up the propane for our heaters and inspecting camp chairs and mattresses as we casually made mental to-do lists in our heads. We tossed a tea kettle in our cart (for hot chocolate on frosty camping mornings) and decided we had all we needed from that store so we headed for the check-out lanes.
And that is where it got interesting/annoying/humorous.
The growing trend of the cashier being a high-pressure sales person really irks me. A long time ago I made the decision that my charitable donations would all go toward Primary Children's Hospital in my daughter's name. Although this simplified the barrage of requests we get for donations, it can make me seem miserly at times. But due to our strong ties to PCMC, I am confident in my decision to support their charity drives exclusively. Knowing that we were going to be asked to donate to something or other, I had my stock answer in the chamber and was ready to fire.
Holy cow that checker must have been in the running for employee of the month in cash register sales pitches, because I was completely unprepared for the avalanche of offers she was about to sling at us!
"Would you like to donate to the Childrens' Relief Fund?"
"No thank you."
"Do you have a Kmart shopper's card?"
"No thank you."
"Would you like to open one today and save 1%?"
"No, thank you."
"Do you have a Sears reward card?"
"No." (Hubby's sighs are getting more drawn out and I sense we're heading into troubled water.)
"You know, with a Sears card you can save on Craftsman brand and even get bonus points redeemable at Sears."
I'm literally cringing at this point, using every bit of ESP and mind-control I can muster to WILL the lady to shut up. Hubby's ears are turning red and I fear there's about to be a melt-down on aisle one.
"NO. Thank you."
"Would you care to participate in an in-store survey about your shopping experience today? It will only take a moment."
"NO. THANK YOU!"
The credit card scanner was then taken over by that very survey which she promised would only take a moment. I noticed the vein on Hubby's forehead start to pulse.
Exaggerated, exasperate sighs hissed through Hubby's teeth as he slowly said, "Do I HAVE to do this now?"
"Well, if you don't want to then you can just select decline." The cashier was actually pouting and I started to laugh on the inside. This showdown was not leaning in the cashier's favor and she knew it.
"Are you guys going camping? You know we have great sales on our camping gear going on right now, you should check them out."
Hubby and I looked at each other and then grabbed our purchased items and made a dash for the exit. We were laughing as we walked through the parking lot, amazed by the relentless sales-pitch storm we had just endured.
Jokingly, I turned to Hubby and asked, "Have you had your tonsils out? You know you could save 15% if you chose to have them removed today."
Hubby grinned and looked at me sideways. I took that as a good sign so I continued to joke around.
"Would you care to adopt a puppy today? You can select one right here at the register and get bonus reward points!"
"No? How about a Pooch You Like To Smooch card? It will give you discounts on all your pet supplies if you sign up right now."
We were snorting with giggles by the time we got in our Jeep. We shook our heads over the tenacity of the cashier and went on our way, laughing and joking about our experience. And for once, my Kmart ghosts of memories past were completely forgotten."
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It May Or May Not Have Been The Snow's Fault
Where have I been hiding lately? Well, we had a storm. First it rained for a day and then it snowed.. for 12 hours maybe. And we maybe had 5 inches of snow.
BUT... that 5 inches of snow was enough to knock out our phones and our internet... or so I thought. So we called in a repair order and we waited... and waited... and waited.
Do you have any idea how stressful it is to live in a household with 5 teenagers and NOT have internet? I'm here to tell you that it wasn't pretty.. but that snow... that snow WAS pretty!
This morning we got a call (Our phone rang and we were actually shocked!) telling us that there was no trouble detected on our phone lines and the repair ticket was closed. Okaaaay.... but we didn't have service for 48 hours so how can there be NO trouble?? Our phone was back on for 2 whole hours before it all tanked once again. I called Qwest and told them that there definitely was trouble on our line and I expected it to be fixed... today! The customer service rep was nice enough, but when she told me that she couldn't get someone to my house until tomorrow.. I sort of freaked out on her and it went something like this...
"That's NOT fair! I had an appointment for TODAY and all I got was a call saying there was no trouble. I am actually DEMANDING that you get someone here to my house, T.O.D.A.Y! And I want the repairman to actually come TO MY DOOR, not just call from somewhere and say there isn't a problem. I'm telling you there IS a PROBLEM!"
The service lady quickly "found" an opening for someone to come today. Shocker.
Then Carley cautiously entered the room and she was sort of giggling. "I can't believe you said it wasn't fair, Mom. You sounded like you were four years old... and you look like you're about to cry."
"I AM about to cry! I do that when I get this angry."
She nodded because she has known me for a while now and she knows that when I'm truly pissed then I cry. THEN I cry... it's stupid, I think.. because then people take that as a sign of weakness.. or sadness.. and believe me, when THAT happens, I am definitely not sad! (I'm about 2 seconds away from ripping someone a new orifice.. luckily it doesn't happen very often.)
So I waited patiently for the repairman to show up. And when he did, he told me the trouble wasn't outside, but inside the house. (Wasn't that a creepy slasher movie once upon a time??) So he comes in and starts checking all the phone jacks, all the while making these huge, exasperated sighs like I have just taken away his birthday, Christmas, AND Cinco De Mayo all at once. Duuuude, lighten up!!
Confession: The whole time he was testing jacks downstairs, I was praying with all my might that he would find the problem and NOT have to go up to the master bedroom. Mom, if you're reading this, close your eyes...stop reading now.. I mean it! Okay, is she gone?? Good, because the confession is that my room was definitely not clean. Ohmigosh PLEASE don't let the problem be in my room!
The problem was in my room.
I quickly cleaned up the books, magazines and pillows on the side of my bed, but one of those gosh darn pillows decided to vomit feathers just then and it looked like there had been a chicken massacre right there in my room. I can see the headlines now, "Repairman reports possible new cult forming in master bedroom of Layton home due to copious evidence of rituals involving chicken slaughtering."
Nice.
You better believe I kept him waiting downstairs while I rushed the vacuum up the stairs. I am certain this didn't help his mood one single bit! Come to think of it, neither did traipsing him through Hubby's cluttered shop full of vehicle carcasses to look for the phone jack out there. Geeze, no wonder he was unhappy being at our house!
The good news is that he capped the line with the short in it. The bad news is that now there is a jack somewhere that won't work because we basically put a tourniquet on the phone service leading out of my room. (The recently de-feathered room!) Oh well, we have all the working phone jacks we need, for now, and the internet is once again up and order has been restored in the world!
Not to worry, Mom.. my room will be clean by this evening. You can come check on my progress if you want to... just don't look in the closet!
BUT... that 5 inches of snow was enough to knock out our phones and our internet... or so I thought. So we called in a repair order and we waited... and waited... and waited.
Do you have any idea how stressful it is to live in a household with 5 teenagers and NOT have internet? I'm here to tell you that it wasn't pretty.. but that snow... that snow WAS pretty!
This morning we got a call (Our phone rang and we were actually shocked!) telling us that there was no trouble detected on our phone lines and the repair ticket was closed. Okaaaay.... but we didn't have service for 48 hours so how can there be NO trouble?? Our phone was back on for 2 whole hours before it all tanked once again. I called Qwest and told them that there definitely was trouble on our line and I expected it to be fixed... today! The customer service rep was nice enough, but when she told me that she couldn't get someone to my house until tomorrow.. I sort of freaked out on her and it went something like this...
"That's NOT fair! I had an appointment for TODAY and all I got was a call saying there was no trouble. I am actually DEMANDING that you get someone here to my house, T.O.D.A.Y! And I want the repairman to actually come TO MY DOOR, not just call from somewhere and say there isn't a problem. I'm telling you there IS a PROBLEM!"
The service lady quickly "found" an opening for someone to come today. Shocker.
Then Carley cautiously entered the room and she was sort of giggling. "I can't believe you said it wasn't fair, Mom. You sounded like you were four years old... and you look like you're about to cry."
"I AM about to cry! I do that when I get this angry."
She nodded because she has known me for a while now and she knows that when I'm truly pissed then I cry. THEN I cry... it's stupid, I think.. because then people take that as a sign of weakness.. or sadness.. and believe me, when THAT happens, I am definitely not sad! (I'm about 2 seconds away from ripping someone a new orifice.. luckily it doesn't happen very often.)
So I waited patiently for the repairman to show up. And when he did, he told me the trouble wasn't outside, but inside the house. (Wasn't that a creepy slasher movie once upon a time??) So he comes in and starts checking all the phone jacks, all the while making these huge, exasperated sighs like I have just taken away his birthday, Christmas, AND Cinco De Mayo all at once. Duuuude, lighten up!!
Confession: The whole time he was testing jacks downstairs, I was praying with all my might that he would find the problem and NOT have to go up to the master bedroom. Mom, if you're reading this, close your eyes...stop reading now.. I mean it! Okay, is she gone?? Good, because the confession is that my room was definitely not clean. Ohmigosh PLEASE don't let the problem be in my room!
The problem was in my room.
I quickly cleaned up the books, magazines and pillows on the side of my bed, but one of those gosh darn pillows decided to vomit feathers just then and it looked like there had been a chicken massacre right there in my room. I can see the headlines now, "Repairman reports possible new cult forming in master bedroom of Layton home due to copious evidence of rituals involving chicken slaughtering."
Nice.
You better believe I kept him waiting downstairs while I rushed the vacuum up the stairs. I am certain this didn't help his mood one single bit! Come to think of it, neither did traipsing him through Hubby's cluttered shop full of vehicle carcasses to look for the phone jack out there. Geeze, no wonder he was unhappy being at our house!
The good news is that he capped the line with the short in it. The bad news is that now there is a jack somewhere that won't work because we basically put a tourniquet on the phone service leading out of my room. (The recently de-feathered room!) Oh well, we have all the working phone jacks we need, for now, and the internet is once again up and order has been restored in the world!
Not to worry, Mom.. my room will be clean by this evening. You can come check on my progress if you want to... just don't look in the closet!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Men Are From Mars?
Can someone please explain men to me? Not like that, I have a working understanding of that. What I really would like clarified is why it feels like us women have to constantly babysit our men because of something they might do/break/donate to the thrift shop when we aren't looking.
Now if my Hub-eyond reads this, he is going to be upset because, in his defense, he is an amazing guy! He cooks, cleans (if he feels like it) and he keeps our cars close to tip top shape! Like I said, amazing. However, there was that episode last week where we actually argued before he went to work because he wants to install an exposed beam ceiling in our (most-definitely-not-rustic) contemporary house. I tried to explain to him why this wouldn't work but he did not get it and then he quickly moved on to how he wants to install a fireplace in our family room which would mean the chimney would have to come up through our bedroom/bathroom. Why am I the only one who sees this as a problem??
Carley and I tried to explain PMS to him the other night. No joke! The way I figure it, my guy lives with 6 women at any given time and he deserves to have a little insight to help him navigate, right? Hubby couldn't comprehend the fact that it could happen at any time.. he was stuck on the "Pre" part and said that it HAS to come and go according to the "Pre"fix. Oh my goodness how we laughed! Right about the time he threw his hands in the air and said, "You know what? NO! I don't want to know anything about this. MEN don't need to talk about this!" I laughed and told him that our conversation was going to end up on the blog.
(He also happened to be wearing my fuzzy slippers at the time, which somehow made everything even more hilarious!)
As great as he is though, he (and seemingly every man I know) has really left me scratching my head in the past. Like when he weed whacked my flowerbed because "it would be easier to plant new than to weed between the plants" or when he donated my nearly-new ultra high speed VCR to the thrift shop without telling me and yet he collects random scrap junk in his shop in a way that would make Templeton proud! My sweetie gives away televisions, couches and washing machines too! (All working condition) But he has not one but TWO garbage disposals sitting on a shelf in his shop. It's enough to drive a person crazy!
Thankfully I have figured out that he gets bored in the winter and I no longer let him talk me into random demolition projects around the house. Seriously! One year he relocated the tiny deck landing off of our kitchen doors because he thought the stairs would look better going the other way. If he tried to relocate our $10,000 deck now, he'd lose limbs for sure! There's also the as-yet-unfinished family room included in his winter blah projects. Mismatched paint on the walls and ceiling and the unfinished wooden trim around the ceiling have now been there so long that I'm sick of it and it needs to be redone. And now there's paint sitting in my living room for the window project he wants to start. I'll let you know how long the paint sits there before anything happens. ;)
I was talking to my mom yesterday and asked her what it is about our men that has us keeping a constant eye on them to keep them out of trouble and to keep the household mishaps to a minimum. She had no explanation but offered up a few doozy experiences of her own with my dad. Husbands, fathers, brothers... it doesn't seem to matter what their age, they all have this mystifying ability to make us wonder what the heck they were thinking!
As I sat there in my mom's kitchen on Superbowl Sunday talking about our men and the silly things they do, I could only ask her one thing...
"Do you think they feel the same way about us??"
Now if my Hub-eyond reads this, he is going to be upset because, in his defense, he is an amazing guy! He cooks, cleans (if he feels like it) and he keeps our cars close to tip top shape! Like I said, amazing. However, there was that episode last week where we actually argued before he went to work because he wants to install an exposed beam ceiling in our (most-definitely-not-rustic) contemporary house. I tried to explain to him why this wouldn't work but he did not get it and then he quickly moved on to how he wants to install a fireplace in our family room which would mean the chimney would have to come up through our bedroom/bathroom. Why am I the only one who sees this as a problem??
 |
| My guy is a fabulous cook! This is his homemade deep dish pizza from last week. YUM! |
(He also happened to be wearing my fuzzy slippers at the time, which somehow made everything even more hilarious!)
As great as he is though, he (and seemingly every man I know) has really left me scratching my head in the past. Like when he weed whacked my flowerbed because "it would be easier to plant new than to weed between the plants" or when he donated my nearly-new ultra high speed VCR to the thrift shop without telling me and yet he collects random scrap junk in his shop in a way that would make Templeton proud! My sweetie gives away televisions, couches and washing machines too! (All working condition) But he has not one but TWO garbage disposals sitting on a shelf in his shop. It's enough to drive a person crazy!
Thankfully I have figured out that he gets bored in the winter and I no longer let him talk me into random demolition projects around the house. Seriously! One year he relocated the tiny deck landing off of our kitchen doors because he thought the stairs would look better going the other way. If he tried to relocate our $10,000 deck now, he'd lose limbs for sure! There's also the as-yet-unfinished family room included in his winter blah projects. Mismatched paint on the walls and ceiling and the unfinished wooden trim around the ceiling have now been there so long that I'm sick of it and it needs to be redone. And now there's paint sitting in my living room for the window project he wants to start. I'll let you know how long the paint sits there before anything happens. ;)
I was talking to my mom yesterday and asked her what it is about our men that has us keeping a constant eye on them to keep them out of trouble and to keep the household mishaps to a minimum. She had no explanation but offered up a few doozy experiences of her own with my dad. Husbands, fathers, brothers... it doesn't seem to matter what their age, they all have this mystifying ability to make us wonder what the heck they were thinking!
As I sat there in my mom's kitchen on Superbowl Sunday talking about our men and the silly things they do, I could only ask her one thing...
"Do you think they feel the same way about us??"
Thursday, January 27, 2011
My Non-Mormon Mommy Blog
So I have heard a buzz in the news lately that Mormon Mommy Blogs are gaining intense popularity, even from people who are not Mormon. Here's my dirty little secret: I read those blogs too! Every single day in fact. There's something intriguing about the way they describe their lives as full of sunshine, happiness and fabulous parties thrown in their backyards with charming strings of lights dangling from the picturesque tree (which probably has a perfect tree house in it as well.)
Charming I tell you!
My life could never be like that. I don't know what it is, but I seriously could never pull that off. I can't tell you how many times I have read about the Mormon Mom bragging that her husband is home with her every day and how she loves making cupcakes for the neighbors all day long and how some hoyty toyty famous photographer just happens to drop by so they ended up having an impromptu family photo shoot.
Really??
They send their adorable gaggle of kids outside to make snow angels while the photographer snaps away. I wonder why those kids aren't in school, but more importantly, how do they make snow angels in their backyard when I KNOW they have a huge dog in their family? We have dogs too. If I sent my girls to the backyard to make snow angels they would end up with something other than snow all over them. Maybe they have a secret to get their dog to use a litter box? Could I get someone to share with me the secret to the yard without doggie doo.. without getting rid of the dogs?
Those MMB's (Mormon Mommy Bloggers) talk about making healthy vegetarian dinners that their children love even as they talk about the fantastically fun lunch date they had with 20 of their closest gal pals earlier in the day. Okay. First of all, I have not raised picky eaters... but I KNOW my kids would not be doing cartwheels over nothing but veggies all the time. (well, maybe Carley would.. she seems to have a distrust of meats.) As for the lunch dates... again, where is all this money coming from?
Oh wait a minute.. maybe the money is coming from their Etsy shops where they sell cutesy homemade headbands to each other. I seriously need to figure out how to make money on Etsy!
Don't get me wrong. I love these blogs, I really do. I just think they read more like fiction. I have the same components they do.. a husband, house, SIX girls, two dogs (ugh) and my house runs nothing like theirs does. I refuse to believe that just because they are mormon their lives are so perfectly perfect that money grows on trees and the happy fairy visits three times a day.
Whereas the MMB's will write about sunshiney days with scents of homemade cookies wafting in the air, I might write about the inversion that traps thick brown air all around us and how I light every available candle in the house to cover up the smell of burned eggs, popcorn.. whatever the kids happened to ignite last. MMB's write about how charming their husbands are and how they love afternoon naps together while the children play quietly with their siblings. While I do happen to think my Hubby is charming in his own ridiculous sort of way, if Hubby and I tried to take a nap (Laughing about even the THOUGHT of that) then the kids would be playing loud video games, arguing in the kitchen or stomping up and down the stairs. Where's the peace in that?
By the way, if a famous photographer happens to be reading this blog, I'd love it if you would just drop by to take some wonderful pictures of my (im)perfect family! Then when Hubby and I are driving around with nothing to do, we can get all giddy over the thought of IKEA frames for our perfect family photos! Yay! (Or should I say "Squeee!")
Here's a glimpse into my non-mormon home:
My point is... was there a point? Oh yeah! I love the Mormon Mommy Blogs, as I said I read them every day, but I think they are leaving out the messy details and publishing sanitized versions that are as rosy and happy as the Prozac that they hide in their medicine cabinets. Now now.. I'm not judging! It is a fact that Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressant use than any other state. Maybe they bake it into their cupcakes, I don't really know. But I do have experience being a Mormon (long long time ago) and I can tell you that religion alone isn't a magic carpet ride to happiness.
While I appreciate how so many people feel uplifted by those Mormon blogs, I think it's a lot like the Wizard of Oz hiding out behind the curtain. What you see isn't necessarily what you get. Life is messy... life is hard and hearts break all the time. It should be just as fulfilling to read about overcoming hardships or even just surviving those trials with our sense of humor in tact. Why not share our trials along with our solutions and help each other out along the way? Is it really better to hide it than to put it out there so others can learn from our mistakes?
I'm a non-mormon mommy blogger that loathes cleaning toilets and I loved having the bed all to myself when Hubby was out of town the other night... and I'm not afraid to admit it. ;)
Charming I tell you!
My life could never be like that. I don't know what it is, but I seriously could never pull that off. I can't tell you how many times I have read about the Mormon Mom bragging that her husband is home with her every day and how she loves making cupcakes for the neighbors all day long and how some hoyty toyty famous photographer just happens to drop by so they ended up having an impromptu family photo shoot.
Really??
They send their adorable gaggle of kids outside to make snow angels while the photographer snaps away. I wonder why those kids aren't in school, but more importantly, how do they make snow angels in their backyard when I KNOW they have a huge dog in their family? We have dogs too. If I sent my girls to the backyard to make snow angels they would end up with something other than snow all over them. Maybe they have a secret to get their dog to use a litter box? Could I get someone to share with me the secret to the yard without doggie doo.. without getting rid of the dogs?
Those MMB's (Mormon Mommy Bloggers) talk about making healthy vegetarian dinners that their children love even as they talk about the fantastically fun lunch date they had with 20 of their closest gal pals earlier in the day. Okay. First of all, I have not raised picky eaters... but I KNOW my kids would not be doing cartwheels over nothing but veggies all the time. (well, maybe Carley would.. she seems to have a distrust of meats.) As for the lunch dates... again, where is all this money coming from?
Oh wait a minute.. maybe the money is coming from their Etsy shops where they sell cutesy homemade headbands to each other. I seriously need to figure out how to make money on Etsy!
Don't get me wrong. I love these blogs, I really do. I just think they read more like fiction. I have the same components they do.. a husband, house, SIX girls, two dogs (ugh) and my house runs nothing like theirs does. I refuse to believe that just because they are mormon their lives are so perfectly perfect that money grows on trees and the happy fairy visits three times a day.
Whereas the MMB's will write about sunshiney days with scents of homemade cookies wafting in the air, I might write about the inversion that traps thick brown air all around us and how I light every available candle in the house to cover up the smell of burned eggs, popcorn.. whatever the kids happened to ignite last. MMB's write about how charming their husbands are and how they love afternoon naps together while the children play quietly with their siblings. While I do happen to think my Hubby is charming in his own ridiculous sort of way, if Hubby and I tried to take a nap (Laughing about even the THOUGHT of that) then the kids would be playing loud video games, arguing in the kitchen or stomping up and down the stairs. Where's the peace in that?
By the way, if a famous photographer happens to be reading this blog, I'd love it if you would just drop by to take some wonderful pictures of my (im)perfect family! Then when Hubby and I are driving around with nothing to do, we can get all giddy over the thought of IKEA frames for our perfect family photos! Yay! (Or should I say "Squeee!")
Here's a glimpse into my non-mormon home:
- Charming Hubby takes up juggling as a hobby as we try to pay all the bills. Being out of work is not fun for this mom and I spend every morning searching the job listings.
- The family computer is on the fritz again and the dogs are increasingly on my nerves. I remind the family every day that I'm not a dog person and they remind me that I thought the dogs were cute when they were puppies.
- The girls each have a million different school activities that require lots of dropping off and picking up.. good thing I have teenagers to help with the driving chore!
- Possibly the scariest question I get asked is "What's for dinner?" Remember the whole money thing? It's tough making great dinners when you lack the funds to do so! Last night the little girls made egg salad sandwiches again and Hubby playfully declared them "fart sandwiches" because of the thick smell of boiled eggs in the air. (Hubby didn't eat a sandwich)
- Second semester means all the girls have a new round of school fees. When the heck did school become so expensive?? Everyone has fees that have to be paid right this minute. Still not enough money.
- I am constantly nagging the kids to put down the cell phones, iPods, whatever... so that they will look up and interact with the actual world which is right in front of them.
- Child A hurt the feelings of Child B and they are now locked in a silent war with plenty of dirty looks to go around. Meanwhile, Child C thinks it is unfair that Child D seems to have a cushier life and Child C either wants a cushy life or wants Child D brought down to the same level. Hubby has engaged in a standoff with Child E over the messy bedroom that needs to be cleaned up. I hear threats of the door being removed again. Time for me to referee everyone and restore some semblance of peace to the warring factions.
- My microwave has been missing parts for years. By missing parts I mean that the front face plate was sawed off by Hubby when a button quit working and now we have to smoosh our fingers in the hole to reach the circuit board in order to get it to work. The digital display doesn't work either so you just have to guess how much time is left and try not to burn anything.
- Don't get me started on the fiasco with the dishwasher. Turns out the soap scum isn't our fault but the environmentalists who declared phosphates bad for the enviornment so there was a ban and now all the dishsoaps are crap. I'm told that the only way to avoid scummy dishes is to get a water softener installed... they cost about $1,000. Again with the money thing!
- Madi's car needs a bunch of things replaced/repaired before it is road worthy. Madi's mood is in a freefall over not having a car. She has forgotten how happy she was to be rid of the van that was breaking down all the time. She wants her freedom and we want her to have her freedom too... but darn that money! We are making the repairs as quickly as possible.
- Because it is winter and the temperatures are cold, my Durango does not like to reverse. It sputters and dies unless I put one foot on the brake and one on the gas pedal and peel out like a NASCAR driver. Last night I was in the process of doing that when (thankfully!) I happened to notice Hubby's truck parked right behind me in the driveway. Narrowly escaped another insurance claim. Whew!
- Medical crisis seems to be our speciality and there's another on the horizon that will coincide with an important graduation. June is going to kill me! I wonder if Madi would consider a trip to Atlanta for Ashley's surgery an adequate senior trip? No? Do her friends have to come for it to be a senior trip? Darn!
My point is... was there a point? Oh yeah! I love the Mormon Mommy Blogs, as I said I read them every day, but I think they are leaving out the messy details and publishing sanitized versions that are as rosy and happy as the Prozac that they hide in their medicine cabinets. Now now.. I'm not judging! It is a fact that Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressant use than any other state. Maybe they bake it into their cupcakes, I don't really know. But I do have experience being a Mormon (long long time ago) and I can tell you that religion alone isn't a magic carpet ride to happiness.
While I appreciate how so many people feel uplifted by those Mormon blogs, I think it's a lot like the Wizard of Oz hiding out behind the curtain. What you see isn't necessarily what you get. Life is messy... life is hard and hearts break all the time. It should be just as fulfilling to read about overcoming hardships or even just surviving those trials with our sense of humor in tact. Why not share our trials along with our solutions and help each other out along the way? Is it really better to hide it than to put it out there so others can learn from our mistakes?
I'm a non-mormon mommy blogger that loathes cleaning toilets and I loved having the bed all to myself when Hubby was out of town the other night... and I'm not afraid to admit it. ;)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Swimming With The Sharks Without Becoming Chum
Have you ever walked into a furniture store and felt like chum on Shark Feeding day? Yeah, I know you know what I'm talking about! I understand they work on commission and therefore have to tackle the fresh meat customers as they come in the door. I get it, I understand it, and occasionally I even appreciate their razor sharp teeth sinking into my flesh courteous helpfulness.
Furniture stores= chumfest. Check!
The whole furniture store thing doesn't surprise me. In fact, sometimes I like to pretend I am a clipper ship and those salesmen are barnacles on my hull. They're just doing their barnacle thing and can't help themselves, therefore I can cruise around the store oblivious to the barnacles cruising along with me. Sometimes I may even bait one or two to see how many I can get to trail after me... on those days we aren't playing clipper ship, no sirree bob! Those days we are playing Haley's Freaking Comet!
Lately there's a new trend that I've been observing from a distance and this one has me completelyannoyed intrigued! I'm talking about the salespeople that hunt in packs at our local warehouse grocery store. See, I have a big family and that necessitates shopping in bulk. That's right, I'm talking Sam's Club.. the holy grail of grocers that enables you to buy enough aluminum foil at a time to do this:
That's some poor professor's office under all that foil! Just check out the individually wrapped books in the bookcase! Apparently whoever did that also buys time in bulk because that would take a fairly large chunk of it to accomplish all of that and I for dang sure don't have that much on hand!
(I'm still looking for the aisle where time is stocked, if you happen to locate it give me a call.)
I digress.
Lately when I go to Sam's Club, I have to mentally prepare myself before walking in the door. Not only do they have that annoying guy that stands guard at the entrance to make sure you have your membership card (Of course I have a card, why else would I even BE there?! And, if I DIDN'T have a card, couldn't I just walk over to the front desk and GET one? Why are you even here, Guard Boy?) but now they have people standing just on the edges of the aisles to catch unsuspecting shoppers and force them to buy cell phones, Direct TV, family portrait sessions, bags of mixed nuts.. whatever! Sheesh! Can't I just get my 75lbs of butter in peace?!
The other day there was someone handing out samples of Lysol antibacterial wipes and I giggled out loud. I can imagine the frustration of the "grazers" that come to the stores to happily munch on the freebies offered every ten feet. Will they even notice they have been given antibacterial wipes before they hastily pop one in their mouth out of grazer habit? Haha! I am so easily amused!
Again, I digress. Too much funny fodder at Sam's Club I suppose!
So there I am, at Sam's Club, and I see the sharks circling ahead of me. If I dodge them they'll sense weakness and then I'm a goner. I could pretend to be fascinated by the bulk masking tape, but how long could I possibly feign interest in a convenience package of 10,000 feet of tape anyway? Probably not long enough for them to find another victim.
Darn!
I could just use the standard approach of walking past them with my eyes glued forward, pretending they aren't there, but how original is that? Everyone does that, right? Well would you look at that! Suddenly nothing exists except what is in front of me, therefore Mr. Annoying isn't there and can't try to sell me anything. I'm telling you, it won't work. The sneaky sharks have evolved and are now immune to this trickery. This is why there are now TWO sharks at every station. If you try to ignore the one on the side, the other will step right out into your path. Then whattaya gonna do, run over the guy with your oversize grocery cart?
Nope, didn't think so. None of us wants that embarassment.
Not to worry, I have a new plan that works perfectly every time! When you see the sharks circling, don't avoid them, instead look the fellas in the eye! As you make your approach you will see the sacrificial shark make his move to step out in front of you even as his buddy is preparing his totally fake happy greeting. This is where you put on your best "Sunday go to church" smile and when you're close enough to see the lines of their palms as they offer their predatory handshake, wait until the moment one of them starts to speak... it is almost always something like, "HEY! have you heard about our exciting.. yadda yadda yadda..."
Now's your chance!
In your cheeriest voice say, "Oh, I KNOW! I already have it and I love it!" And keep on walking, my friend. Just keep on walking.
This will stun the sharks every time. Not only do you have it, but you love it too! Their pitch has been safely disarmed and there's nothing more they can think of to say.
Shopper 1 : Sharks 0
PS: This is disturbing:
This is an actual picture of actual samples being given out at Sam's Club. Eeeeww! Please, Shoppers, no matter how hungry you are, PLEASE DO NOT EAT THIS SAMPLE!!
Furniture stores= chumfest. Check!
The whole furniture store thing doesn't surprise me. In fact, sometimes I like to pretend I am a clipper ship and those salesmen are barnacles on my hull. They're just doing their barnacle thing and can't help themselves, therefore I can cruise around the store oblivious to the barnacles cruising along with me. Sometimes I may even bait one or two to see how many I can get to trail after me... on those days we aren't playing clipper ship, no sirree bob! Those days we are playing Haley's Freaking Comet!
Lately there's a new trend that I've been observing from a distance and this one has me completely
That's some poor professor's office under all that foil! Just check out the individually wrapped books in the bookcase! Apparently whoever did that also buys time in bulk because that would take a fairly large chunk of it to accomplish all of that and I for dang sure don't have that much on hand!
(I'm still looking for the aisle where time is stocked, if you happen to locate it give me a call.)
I digress.
Lately when I go to Sam's Club, I have to mentally prepare myself before walking in the door. Not only do they have that annoying guy that stands guard at the entrance to make sure you have your membership card (Of course I have a card, why else would I even BE there?! And, if I DIDN'T have a card, couldn't I just walk over to the front desk and GET one? Why are you even here, Guard Boy?) but now they have people standing just on the edges of the aisles to catch unsuspecting shoppers and force them to buy cell phones, Direct TV, family portrait sessions, bags of mixed nuts.. whatever! Sheesh! Can't I just get my 75lbs of butter in peace?!
The other day there was someone handing out samples of Lysol antibacterial wipes and I giggled out loud. I can imagine the frustration of the "grazers" that come to the stores to happily munch on the freebies offered every ten feet. Will they even notice they have been given antibacterial wipes before they hastily pop one in their mouth out of grazer habit? Haha! I am so easily amused!
Again, I digress. Too much funny fodder at Sam's Club I suppose!
So there I am, at Sam's Club, and I see the sharks circling ahead of me. If I dodge them they'll sense weakness and then I'm a goner. I could pretend to be fascinated by the bulk masking tape, but how long could I possibly feign interest in a convenience package of 10,000 feet of tape anyway? Probably not long enough for them to find another victim.
Darn!
I could just use the standard approach of walking past them with my eyes glued forward, pretending they aren't there, but how original is that? Everyone does that, right? Well would you look at that! Suddenly nothing exists except what is in front of me, therefore Mr. Annoying isn't there and can't try to sell me anything. I'm telling you, it won't work. The sneaky sharks have evolved and are now immune to this trickery. This is why there are now TWO sharks at every station. If you try to ignore the one on the side, the other will step right out into your path. Then whattaya gonna do, run over the guy with your oversize grocery cart?
Nope, didn't think so. None of us wants that embarassment.
Not to worry, I have a new plan that works perfectly every time! When you see the sharks circling, don't avoid them, instead look the fellas in the eye! As you make your approach you will see the sacrificial shark make his move to step out in front of you even as his buddy is preparing his totally fake happy greeting. This is where you put on your best "Sunday go to church" smile and when you're close enough to see the lines of their palms as they offer their predatory handshake, wait until the moment one of them starts to speak... it is almost always something like, "HEY! have you heard about our exciting.. yadda yadda yadda..."
Now's your chance!
In your cheeriest voice say, "Oh, I KNOW! I already have it and I love it!" And keep on walking, my friend. Just keep on walking.
This will stun the sharks every time. Not only do you have it, but you love it too! Their pitch has been safely disarmed and there's nothing more they can think of to say.
Shopper 1 : Sharks 0
PS: This is disturbing:
This is an actual picture of actual samples being given out at Sam's Club. Eeeeww! Please, Shoppers, no matter how hungry you are, PLEASE DO NOT EAT THIS SAMPLE!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Chicken Soup and Cough Drops
Around here winter means cold, cough and flu season. YUCK! My mom is sick, three of my girlies are sick, and the pharmacy loves us! You know it's bad when we forgo our nightly hugs at bedtime, opting instead for "just a wave" and saying, "I'm hugging you with my mind!" I still love my little monkeys, I just want them to keep their germs to themselves as much as possible!
UPDATE: We took the soup to Mom's but the poor little thing was still in bed so we didn't get to see her. My dad is now coming down with it too and he was stretched out in a comfy chair resting with his Nook and his dog nearby. It melted my heart! I hope everyone feels better soon!
The hacking coughs go on day and night, slowing down with meds but never fully stopping. The only consolation? The girls have pretty much been allowed to play Wii as much as they want to. I wish there was more I could do to comfort them!
 |
| Abby models the Maui blanket while Linzie models the Lake Powell blanket. Poor sickos! |
Today I decided to make some chicken noodle soup to take over to my Mom who is also very sick. She's been in bed for the last two days straight and that's saying something when it comes to my mom.. usually nothing gets her down! She says she can't taste anything but I'm hoping the warmth of the soup will be soothing to her anyway. I know I feel better just knowing that someone is thinking about me when I'm feeling crappy.
This smaller pot of chicken noodle soup with dumplings is for Mom's household. The larger pot will stay here to feed my own little sicklings. I need to convince them that cough drops are not a food group! (Poor little munchkins are coughing away even as I type this!
 |
| You know what? The dumplings were Ahhh-mazing! If you want the recipe, let me know. :) |
I tried something new with the dumplings today, I made them from scratch (because I was out of Bisquick) adding parsley and cheddar to the dough and I topped them with a little garlic salt and Gruyere cheese. I hope it turns out yummy!
I can only hope that the nasty virus will pass me by and that my sweeties will feel better soon! In the meantime, here's a few awesome pictures taken last fall from my driveway to help us look forward to Spring!
OMG, what does it mean?!!
(haha! Make sure you click the link above so you know what I am referring to!)
UPDATE: We took the soup to Mom's but the poor little thing was still in bed so we didn't get to see her. My dad is now coming down with it too and he was stretched out in a comfy chair resting with his Nook and his dog nearby. It melted my heart! I hope everyone feels better soon! Sunday, January 16, 2011
Say What?!!
I have recently heard a buzz about how the Zodiac signs have changed. Changed?? How does a Zodiac just change? The long and short of it has to do with how the Zodiac signs were created based on a star system 3,000 years ago and apparently these gaseous little guys like to move around (who doesn't?) so their position in relation to the Sun, Earth and other objects of considerable mass have, most likely, changed a little bit.
Still with me? Good, because this is where I explain why this has me vexed.
All my life I have been a Gemini. Born under the sign of Castor and Pollux, I could easily explain away my sudden mood swings, opposing ideas, and wild imagination. Geminis are also intellectually inclined and have a penchant for books because the constant search for knowledge drives them. Sounds good so far, right? People with the Gemini Zodiac are also full of great ideas (Thinking about situations from at least two points of view... Capisce?) but would rather be part of the team than rush forward to the lead. Mmm hmm.. I get it, I relate to it, I've BEEN that person for 39 years! I am also a Gemini who married not one, but TWO Geminis, and I have two sets of TWINS!
Face it, there's a duality theme here that's tough to ignore.
BUT! Now with the sudden Zodiac change I'm supposed to just accept being reclassified as a Taurus. Huh wha? (How can they suddenly change, anyway? Haven't those trouble-making stars been moving around for thousands of lifetimes?) Now I'm expected to cast off my Twin identity and run with the Bulls? I'm sure there's something in the Gemini Zodiac that explains how I can easily accept change...as long as I have a say in it. And let's not forget that my Hubby, my SOUL MATE, is no longer a Gemini either. Two Tauruses under the same roof? How does THAT work?
Let's examine Taurus a bit.
According to astrology.com, Taurus is all about reward. Driven not by the love of the game, but rather the rewards of the game, Taurus is all about comfort and excess. Okaaaay.... The astrology experts go on to say that those born under the Taurus sign are extremely hard working, stubborn and dependable. A Taurus will work themselves to the bone to complete a task and then they'll reap the rewards after the job is done. (Uh oh, this is starting to sound familiar!)
"The great strength of Taurus is in their stability, loyalty and dogged determination. Bulls want to get the job done, and they will. What better way to get the riches they so fervently crave?"
I'm starting to wonder if Hubby wrote this description of himself and paid someone at Astrology.com to upload it for him! Taurus people love all things nature and outdoors... and you should see all of the pictures Hubby has been posting of Lake Powell on his Facebook page this week! Finally, described as being extremely loyal, paitient and dependable along the way, this whole Taurus thing might be the best description of my Hubby that I have heard in a long time!
But where does that leave our Gemini roots?
When I first mentioned this switcharoo to Hubby earlier in the week, his response was, "I was born a Gemini and I'm staying Gemini!" I felt the same way! We are not the kind of people that plan our day around a horoscope, and we will be the first to tell you that anyone can see something of themselves in any Zodiac sign. But still... everyone knows their Zodiac sign, right? After our birth date, names and a few basic motor skills, I think learning our SIGN was one of the first things we were all taught. It was somehow important to the Universe that we be able to properly identify ourselves Zodiac-ally and we rose to the task. (I love making up new words, by the way.. another GEMINI trait!)
Not to worry, I have a solution to this astrological conundrum. ("Logical postulation that evades resolution" - For those of you who are learning a new word today.)
I have decided to declare myself Gemini.. and Hubby too. Luckily for us, being Gemini, we can claim TWO of everything, so we hereby claim to be both Gemini AND Taurus. How do you like THAT you cosmos tricksters? By looking at the dilemma from two points of view (Gemini and Taurus) I can accept traits from both Zodiac signs for myself, and definitely for Hubby, and stubbornly work my way through it to the decision that we are not switching signs, but adding a new dimension to our Zodiac identity.
Now, where are those rewards??
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wisdom
Me: "Oh Carley, life is so hard sometimes."
Carley: "I know... but what else are you gonna do?"
![[Ame.jpg]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrIvTjYTsWChOnglv-hlXHJwjQ34cLYStM-9RsXzvC8SzhUij5rRIx_wRVpMbXZg74Kz7JUk2N031XvrbQRVk1olaZJ1LHADIhP838UY8XhIeyCx8lOYMpm0jxmcbeQhlm0tyeYhr5d-NL/s220/Ame.jpg)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Insomnia? There's An App For That!
Ever since December 25th, there's been a lot of app-ing going on around here. For those who may not get my meaning immediately, what I mean to say is that there are approximately five iPods in this house that have the capability to amuse for hours with silly games otherwise known as - "Apps."
My loving family has been sucked into the underworld of apps!
Easily my favorite to play is Fruit Ninja. First of all, anything with a Ninja in it automatically gets my vote. Secondly, that game totally rocks! I could spend hours swiping fruit out of existence (and late at night I do!) as I strive for the high scoring combos! They say Ninjas don't like fruit... if that's true then I will have to take a vow of fruit silence because I think my skill clearly indicates that I was born for this job!
My girlies like this Pocket God app that allows them to have complete dominion over little native dudes that are in complete awe of rainbows. "Ooooh, what does it mean???" I tinkered with it a bit before heading back to my Ninja fruit-stalking duties. There's only so much fun to be had by dropping those little natives into the ocean anyway.
Carley rules at this little game called "Cut the Rope" where the premise is to use physics (psychics?) to cleverly cut the dangling candy so that you collect stars AND feed the adorable froggy that just sits there making hungry baby noises and opening his mouth when the candy is near. Admittedly, this game IS fun but what I don't want to admit is that Carley is WAY smarter than me when the upper levels started getting complicated. My little froggy dude would starve if it weren't for the clever abilities of Carley!
Yesterday I was having a bit of an off day... I have an earache that is killing me and making me not want to do much other than plop my head on a heating pad and hope I don't cook my brains while soothing the ache in my ear with electricity. There's not a lot a person can do with their ear aimed at the ground.... so I checked out the Apps! I ninja-ed for a while and even achieved my new high score but then I wanted something new and Apple has been a sneaky fiend lately by offering so many Apps for only .99 so I could try a few new things. And that's when I discovered "The Moron Test."
Try to control your jokes. ;)
I have seen this particular game hovering in the top ten for quite a while now but since I KNOW I'm not a moron, I figured it wasn't a game for me. Last night, I apparently thought it was time to give this moron thing a try.
OH. MY. GOODNESS!
This game is completely, totally, hopelessly addicting! And FRUSTRATING! With instructions telling me NOT to push the red button that has "continue" written on it in all caps, sneaky directions involving hopelessly cute animals, and wicked fast lightening rounds, I was determined to prove that I was not, in fact, a moron. (I have much work to do!)
At one point, as I was still working on the Moron Test in the early hours of the morning, Hubby rolled over and said, "You have a problem." To which I replied, "I knnnnnow!" But he thought I was being a Fruit Ninja when I was really trying to assert my intelligence in the world of Apps.
A little game that keeps me playing long after the rest of the family is asleep and my eyes are burning with fatigue? Maybe I AM a moron afterall!
My loving family has been sucked into the underworld of apps!
Easily my favorite to play is Fruit Ninja. First of all, anything with a Ninja in it automatically gets my vote. Secondly, that game totally rocks! I could spend hours swiping fruit out of existence (and late at night I do!) as I strive for the high scoring combos! They say Ninjas don't like fruit... if that's true then I will have to take a vow of fruit silence because I think my skill clearly indicates that I was born for this job! My girlies like this Pocket God app that allows them to have complete dominion over little native dudes that are in complete awe of rainbows. "Ooooh, what does it mean???" I tinkered with it a bit before heading back to my Ninja fruit-stalking duties. There's only so much fun to be had by dropping those little natives into the ocean anyway.
Carley rules at this little game called "Cut the Rope" where the premise is to use physics (psychics?) to cleverly cut the dangling candy so that you collect stars AND feed the adorable froggy that just sits there making hungry baby noises and opening his mouth when the candy is near. Admittedly, this game IS fun but what I don't want to admit is that Carley is WAY smarter than me when the upper levels started getting complicated. My little froggy dude would starve if it weren't for the clever abilities of Carley!
Yesterday I was having a bit of an off day... I have an earache that is killing me and making me not want to do much other than plop my head on a heating pad and hope I don't cook my brains while soothing the ache in my ear with electricity. There's not a lot a person can do with their ear aimed at the ground.... so I checked out the Apps! I ninja-ed for a while and even achieved my new high score but then I wanted something new and Apple has been a sneaky fiend lately by offering so many Apps for only .99 so I could try a few new things. And that's when I discovered "The Moron Test."
Try to control your jokes. ;)
I have seen this particular game hovering in the top ten for quite a while now but since I KNOW I'm not a moron, I figured it wasn't a game for me. Last night, I apparently thought it was time to give this moron thing a try.
OH. MY. GOODNESS!
This game is completely, totally, hopelessly addicting! And FRUSTRATING! With instructions telling me NOT to push the red button that has "continue" written on it in all caps, sneaky directions involving hopelessly cute animals, and wicked fast lightening rounds, I was determined to prove that I was not, in fact, a moron. (I have much work to do!)
At one point, as I was still working on the Moron Test in the early hours of the morning, Hubby rolled over and said, "You have a problem." To which I replied, "I knnnnnow!" But he thought I was being a Fruit Ninja when I was really trying to assert my intelligence in the world of Apps.
A little game that keeps me playing long after the rest of the family is asleep and my eyes are burning with fatigue? Maybe I AM a moron afterall!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hey Vanna, I'd Like to Buy a Vowel!
Occasionally it takes me longer to respond to all of the voice mail, instant messages, emails and urgent texts, but DO NOT PANIC if I am MIA! If you suddenly find me AWOL from TXT, PLZ no SOS or 911. Prob drvn! BRB!
Whew!
After a hectic day without my recommended daily allowance of vowels, I love to curl up in bed with my laptop and cruise the blogs. Why do I love blogs so much? FULL SENTENCES, PEOPLE! Actual punctuation, vowels, and thoughts that have been completed already. It's enough to make a girl giddy! There's no guesswork involved, no filling in the blanks, and relatively little txt spk. Ooh and look at all of the colorful pictures! Nice!
So please, for the love of WEBSTER, keep those blogs coming! I want to hear about your weekend shopping trips, lunch with the girls, favorite cupcakery and what you cooked for dinner on Sunday. It is important to me to know that your latest vacation included a plethora of run on sentences and cousin Earl who drinks too much and then won't shut up! If you have an adorable toddler who is learning to crawl, walk, eat from a spoon, or drool enthusiastically, I NEED to read about it. Consider it exercise for my eyes and a reminder to my brain that words do, in fact, require vowels.
To all of you bloggers out there, thank you for the time and effort it takes to put your thoughts into actual words. You are my linguistical heros!
*Left message, call back, instant message, text, be right there, what you see is what you get, on my way, oh my gosh, what the hell, driving.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Mom! Mommy! Mama! Mother! Mom! Ma!
I've just decided that I do some of my most creative thinking on Saturday mornings. As I explored that revelation further, I came to the conclusion that this is because my dear husband is working hard in the tower, my darling family is still sleeping and I have my thoughts-
All. To. Myself.
Oh the freedom!
Don't get me wrong, I adore my family. It's just, how do I say this delicately? I think they're afraid that if they leave me alone for one second, I'll vanish like a sleepy dream and then they'll be like, "Dude, I had this gnarly dream about this lady that like took care of us, and entertained us, and it was hilarious to throw things at her because she kept coming back for more!" And then someone else would pipe in and say, "We saw that movie. It was Bicentenial Man, you knob!"
Robin Williams as a futuristic robot. Hilarious!
Seriously though, I have friends who have not yet taken that leap into parenthood and for them I have some advice. Follow the instructions written here and if you can pull it off without going bald, waking up with your spouse strangling you, or selling your Earthly possessions and running away to live Wilderness Family style in the Wal Mart parking lot, then congratulations! You're ready for parenthood!
1. Remove all of the doors in your house. Just throw them away. You don't need them anymore, not even in the bathroom. Privacy, what's that?
2. When someone calls you on the phone, immediately put them on speakerphone and call everyone into the room. Your conversations are not yours alone.
3. Buy a retro Jack in the Box and play with it until the little tune becomes the most lovely sound you've ever heard and you just can't live without it. Hum the tune everywhere you go, especially in board meetings. Other parents will smile knowingly at you.
4. When you have a fight with your spouse, take a moment to move out to the front lawn and continue there. Everyone that knows you will find out about it anyway when your kids post it on Facebook. At least this way they get a front row seat!
5. When you get paid, cash your check and pass it out to your kids. Tell them that they can spend it however they choose since they now get all of your money anyway.
6. Watch Nickelodeon all the time. Learn to love it. LEARN. TO. LOVE. IT!
7. Gather up your favorite possessions - Movies, books, electronics, etc. Take a sharp object and gouge the hell out of the dvds and then gather all the sticky substances from your fridge and pantry and have a party coating these valuables. Then throw them in the trash. Convince yourself that you don't miss them much anyway.
8. Take turns having random breakdowns in front of your spouse. Even better, invite your inlaws to watch. Cry, rant, accuse the other of not understanding you. Do not use tisues to wipe the snot from your nose, your sleeve works best. Then go find a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and give your spouse funny looks when he or she tiptoes into the room wearing a catcher's mask and football pads. Be sure to tell your spouse that you think he or she is completely overreacting to your breakdown.
9. Wait until the very last second to: fill your vehicle with gas, do your taxes, pay your bills, write the important presentation for your business meeting, and cook Thanksgiving dinner for 35 people. These "Hail Mary" skills will come in handy when your child tells you they have a science project due. Tomorrow!
10. Have your spouse's name legally changed to "Mama" or "Dad" Because that is how you will address them from now on, even though they are not your mother or your father.
11. Bounce a basketball off the hood of your shiny vehicle, repeatedly. Then get on a bike and gouge the paint from front to rear with the bike handle. There, that's much prettier!
12. Buy Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals cookbook. Then laugh at the fish section. No kid eats fish!
13. Turn up the volume on every television, stereo, and radio that you own to full blast. Then break the remote so you can't change it back. You only need one volume setting anyway.
14. Every time someone tells you something they did that day, respond with, "What were you thinking?" Believe me, you're going to need the practice!
15. Go to your local orthodontist and ask him where he likes to vacation. Offer to pay for his entire family to take a 2 week, all expense paid trip to the destination of his choice, hand him your credit cards. Walk away.
16. Tell your spouse, 15 times every day, how bored you are.
17. Wait until your spouse finishes putting away all of the groceries then stand in front of the fridge or pantry and declare that there is nothing to eat.
18. Paint the walls of your bedroom or bathroom with your best makeup.
19. Hide the car keys from each other, constantly. Do not help locate the keys when your spouse is late for work.
20. Begin every sentence with, "When I was your age.."
So there you have it. Crying is allowed. In fact, I believe it is a requirement when you become a parent. Red Badge of Courage has nothing on my Feel Sorry For Myself tears when the kids have spent the day shredding my nerve endings. I did mention how much I love them, right?
All. To. Myself.
Oh the freedom!
Don't get me wrong, I adore my family. It's just, how do I say this delicately? I think they're afraid that if they leave me alone for one second, I'll vanish like a sleepy dream and then they'll be like, "Dude, I had this gnarly dream about this lady that like took care of us, and entertained us, and it was hilarious to throw things at her because she kept coming back for more!" And then someone else would pipe in and say, "We saw that movie. It was Bicentenial Man, you knob!"
Robin Williams as a futuristic robot. Hilarious!
Seriously though, I have friends who have not yet taken that leap into parenthood and for them I have some advice. Follow the instructions written here and if you can pull it off without going bald, waking up with your spouse strangling you, or selling your Earthly possessions and running away to live Wilderness Family style in the Wal Mart parking lot, then congratulations! You're ready for parenthood!
1. Remove all of the doors in your house. Just throw them away. You don't need them anymore, not even in the bathroom. Privacy, what's that?
2. When someone calls you on the phone, immediately put them on speakerphone and call everyone into the room. Your conversations are not yours alone.
3. Buy a retro Jack in the Box and play with it until the little tune becomes the most lovely sound you've ever heard and you just can't live without it. Hum the tune everywhere you go, especially in board meetings. Other parents will smile knowingly at you.
4. When you have a fight with your spouse, take a moment to move out to the front lawn and continue there. Everyone that knows you will find out about it anyway when your kids post it on Facebook. At least this way they get a front row seat!
5. When you get paid, cash your check and pass it out to your kids. Tell them that they can spend it however they choose since they now get all of your money anyway.
6. Watch Nickelodeon all the time. Learn to love it. LEARN. TO. LOVE. IT!
7. Gather up your favorite possessions - Movies, books, electronics, etc. Take a sharp object and gouge the hell out of the dvds and then gather all the sticky substances from your fridge and pantry and have a party coating these valuables. Then throw them in the trash. Convince yourself that you don't miss them much anyway.
8. Take turns having random breakdowns in front of your spouse. Even better, invite your inlaws to watch. Cry, rant, accuse the other of not understanding you. Do not use tisues to wipe the snot from your nose, your sleeve works best. Then go find a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and give your spouse funny looks when he or she tiptoes into the room wearing a catcher's mask and football pads. Be sure to tell your spouse that you think he or she is completely overreacting to your breakdown.
9. Wait until the very last second to: fill your vehicle with gas, do your taxes, pay your bills, write the important presentation for your business meeting, and cook Thanksgiving dinner for 35 people. These "Hail Mary" skills will come in handy when your child tells you they have a science project due. Tomorrow!
10. Have your spouse's name legally changed to "Mama" or "Dad" Because that is how you will address them from now on, even though they are not your mother or your father.
11. Bounce a basketball off the hood of your shiny vehicle, repeatedly. Then get on a bike and gouge the paint from front to rear with the bike handle. There, that's much prettier!
12. Buy Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals cookbook. Then laugh at the fish section. No kid eats fish!
13. Turn up the volume on every television, stereo, and radio that you own to full blast. Then break the remote so you can't change it back. You only need one volume setting anyway.
14. Every time someone tells you something they did that day, respond with, "What were you thinking?" Believe me, you're going to need the practice!
15. Go to your local orthodontist and ask him where he likes to vacation. Offer to pay for his entire family to take a 2 week, all expense paid trip to the destination of his choice, hand him your credit cards. Walk away.
16. Tell your spouse, 15 times every day, how bored you are.
17. Wait until your spouse finishes putting away all of the groceries then stand in front of the fridge or pantry and declare that there is nothing to eat.
18. Paint the walls of your bedroom or bathroom with your best makeup.
19. Hide the car keys from each other, constantly. Do not help locate the keys when your spouse is late for work.
20. Begin every sentence with, "When I was your age.."
So there you have it. Crying is allowed. In fact, I believe it is a requirement when you become a parent. Red Badge of Courage has nothing on my Feel Sorry For Myself tears when the kids have spent the day shredding my nerve endings. I did mention how much I love them, right?
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"My daughters are so many things- Tiny discoverers of butterfly wings, huggers of teddies, sweet sleepyheads, little ones to dream for in bright years ahead... All Special people who right from the start had a place in our family and of course in my heart. And just when I think that I've learned all the things that my dear daughters are and the joy each one brings, a hug or a grin comes with such sweet surprise that love finds me smiling with tears in my eyes!"
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