Life Lesson Number Four

"People tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend like fine weather if you're fortunate. But happiness is the result of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly."
- Elizabeth Gilbert

Happiness

We are each responsible for our own happiness, whether we want to admit it or not. It is so easy to blame others for feeling miserable, but the trick to this journey we call LIFE is to be in charge of our own reactions and to be darn sure that our happiness does not get lost along the way.

On the inside of my left ankle there is a hidden tattoo. (Sorry, Mom!) I am not one of those people who is addicted to ink... (it hurt like hell and I'd never do it again!) But this tattoo reminds me to keep my foundation strong by making sure I have three basic things at all times. These Kanji characters are stacked and I designed it myself, with no knowledge of how this language actually works. I sincerely hope I didn't change the meaning to something offensive or stupid in the process! 

(If you are a Kanji expert and you know that by stacking these characters my tattoo now means "Dimpled butts are sexy!", please do not tell me. Sometimes being oblivious is best.)

This means Love

This means Strength

This means Happiness

There was a day, years ago, when I was feeling lower than I had ever felt in my life. I was going through something very difficult and I had some huge decisions to make. I remember thinking that I wished someone would just tell me what to do so that everything would be better. I wanted to feel better, but I wasn't ready to take charge of my own happiness. Without sounding like a complete nutcase (I hope), I will tell you that these three words just came to me.. in that order. Love, Strength, Happiness.  I knew that if I worked hard to restore these things then everything would sort itself out.

The more I thought about it, I felt that none of these three things could exist without the other two.  In the words of my favorite writer,  Mr. King, they were Ka-tet.  (One from many) It was my job to restore the balance and bring them back into my life. It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it!



I took responsibility for my own happiness and did so by being strong and relying on the love of my husband and my daughters. I won't tell you that everyone was happy with my decision.. and years later some still struggle with it, but it was the right thing for me and I completely stand by my choices. I actively sought out happiness and made the necessary course corrections... and I have never regretted it.

Happiness doesn't mean go out and get a tattoo. (Unless you're into that and if so then more power to  you!) Happiness is the result of hard work and deep breathing when times are tough. Know what it is that helps you find your happy place when things are difficult and strive to attain it. Seek out the healthy choices that lead to happiness and well-being. Understand that you aren't responsible for the happiness of others. Hopefully our actions are the kind that will generate happiness for people around us, but be prepared to stand behind your choices when others may not agree with you.

Last, but not least, if you find yourself parenting teens..  remind yourself that they will appreciate your advice, even if the happiness isn't visible on their faces immediately. Sometimes it takes 25 years or more for them to fully comprehend what we are trying to teach them. By then, they could have teens of their own and they will finally understand.

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Life Lesson Number Three

(A lesson of very few words, for obvious reasons.)

Life Lesson Number Two

Be Accountable

I often talk out loud when I am composing something in my head. Today when I was forming the thoughts for Life Lesson Number Two, I said said the title out loud... and then I laughed.  Try it.  Say "Be Accountable" out loud.  Then join me in a giggle as we imagine a roomful of confused and worried people who think we are advising them to "be a cannibal."   Haha! I am so easily amused!

As I was talking with the girls this afternoon, I explained to them that being accountable means being able to stand up and defend your actions with clear conscience and absolute conviction. Before making decisions, ask yourself if you are willing to stand up in front of perfect strangers as well as those you love and defend your choices. If the answer is no then you might want to reconsider your actions.

Life is a series of choices and not all of those choices will have favorable outcomes. Being willing to take responsibility for the bad as well as the good outcomes is a true testament to a person's character.  I am certainly not immune to making mistakes, but I am willing to accept responsibility for the consequences of my actions. Believe me, I know how easy it can be to hide until the storm has passed  but hiding never solved anything and eventually life will catch up anyway.

Yes, I believe in Karma. 

I have experienced dark days when I could not believe that the Universe allows some people to get away with terrible deeds, seemingly without consequence. I have cried into my pillow after being betrayed by someone I loved, and I openly questioned how people can skate through life without being held accountable for their actions. Then (sometimes years later) life catches up. I have seen those same people go through hard times, experience heartache and struggle and then throw their hands to the sky, wondering why life is so cruel. That person never learned to be accountable for their actions and as a result, their life is constant chaos and misery.  I doubt  they will ever understand that their actions, and absolute lack of accountability are a very big reason why their lives will always be unhappy. A little accountability goes a long way.

Interestingly enough, being accountable is so much easier if you are paying attention to Life Lesson Number One.  Being accountable is not always easy, but I promise you it is worth it.

Life Lesson Number One

I have been mulling this idea around in my head for a while now, and I think it is time to bring it to the blog-o-verse. Anyone who knows me, really knows me, will tell you that I have a set of rules that I live by.  Not the ordinary clean your room and wash behind your ears kind of rules.. (Don't get me wrong, those are good practices in general, just not quite what I am going for here.) No, the rules I want to write about are more in the category of  life lessons that, I believe, will mold and shape a person's character for the better.  I've been on this sparkly blue planet for a while now and I think I can say with a measure of experience that I do know what I am talking about.  I hope to be able to spend some time discussing each of these Life Lessons in detail, for as long as it interests me to do so, and hopefully something useful will come of my musings.  If nothing else, my girlies will have even more evidence that their mom is a nutjob! (Albeit a nutjob with really good Life Lessons to share!)

If you don't agree with any of the Life Lessons I post here, that's fine.  You are welcome to start your own blog and write about everything that you believe in. These Life Lessons are mine, and although you are welcome to adopt them and use them in your own daily life, especially if you happen to be a member of my family, you will never take them away from me. So don't even try it.

Life Lesson Number One

Be kind in everything you do.  Seems simple, right? I am often shocked at how the world we live in is seriously lacking in kindness. When did we stop believing that the way we treat other people matters? 

I grew up in a house where we went to church on Sunday and I was taught "The Golden Rule" as a child. As a rule, it's okay, but it smacks of religion and, let's face it, it's a bit antiquated. (Is it wrong to call the Bible antiquated?) 

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Seriously? When I go to the hairdresser, I want her to do unto my hair. But if I follow The Golden Rule, does that mean before I get a cut and style I have to do unto the stylist's hair first? Believe me, I don't think she'd appreciate it, and then who would do unto MY hair? I'd have to go around butchering half of the town's carefully coiffed hair just to find someone who would surrender and do unto my hair like I wanted in the first place! I'm exhausted just thinking about it! The same goes for the mailman, the butcher, the baker, and even the candlestick maker. You get the idea. If we are going to insist on continuing to use The Golden Rule, it would have to first be rewritten for modern times.

Here are some ideas for rewriting The Golden Rule:

• Do unto others as they would like to you do for them because, frankly, if they wanted to do it or were capable of it themselves, they wouldn't have asked you in the first place. Others will do unto you in a manner that you will find pleasing and appropriate to the amount you paid for their services in money or trade.
• Do unto all others, regardless of race, sex or religion,  in a politically correct manner, exactly what they have asked of you in a legally binding contract so that you will not find yourself in litigation later.
• Do unto others as they have earned through their own deeds and actions. In my world, respect is a two way street, fellas. If you earn it, you'll get it! 

See? All that doing unto others is complicated and just plain exhausting.  I gave it up years ago for the simplified version.  Be kind. 

My kids have heard it a million times. Be kind!  All I have to do is look them in the eye and say, "What is my number one rule?"  Even the hubby knows what I am talking about. I have learned over the years that we cannot ever control the actions of others, so wishing for them to treat us the same way is complete nonsense. Standing around sulking about how you were nice to someone but they weren't nice to you in return won't solve anything either. Get over it.  That's all you can do.  Going to bed with a clean conscience, knowing that you were kind and did all you could do, is all anyone can hope for at the end of the day. The rest is out of our control.

I'm not saying that you should try to be best buddies with someone who uses your heart for target practice, and I'm not suggesting that you give up all of your worldly possessions and go live on a mountaintop in Tibet either. Kindness doesn't have to be wrapped up in a Mother Teresa gift box with a Gandhi bow on top, it just has to be something that comes from the heart. It's that simple. 

I one hundred percent believe that so many altercations could be avoided, so many hurts healed, if people would take the time to practice kindness in their words and actions. If you see someone having a bad day, give them a smile or a hug... you'd be surprised how powerful that can be. When someone is upset and wants to vent, take the time to listen and let them know you understand their feelings.. you don't have to agree with them, but everyone is entitled to their feelings and sometimes all they want is someone to listen. Do kind things for other people. Help someone with their chores or their homework, bring them a treat for no reason whatsoever. Take the time to say kind things to others. Don't ever assume people know how you feel - and even if they do know how you feel, it is really nice to actually hear it from time to time.

I always tell my girls that being kind is something they will never regret in their lives.  Did you know kindness is contagious? Try it and see what happens!