Broken Hearts

Our hearts are breaking tonight after hearing the news that beautiful Madey Slaughter has passed on after her valiant battle against cancer. 

When we heard the news we were actually in the process of working with Jennifer at The Vintage Pearl to order keepsakes for each member of the Slaughter family. With tears streaming down our faces, we completed the order for necklaces, bracelets and other items with the assurance from Jennifer that at least one of the necklaces would ship tomorrow so the family could still give it to Madey if they choose to do so.

I am so impressed with the generous friends of Hillary and Madey Slaughter who all donated for this cause, and I am humbled and grateful for the angels at The Vintage Pearl who generously donated the rest so that we can offer this family gifts of remembrance in this great time of sorrow.

Please keep the Slaughter family in your thoughts and prayers.

The Roots Run Deep

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There are just no words to describe what we are feeling, what we have been through, what we have lost. I am so proud to be their granddaughter, mother of five of their great-granddaughters. Yet nothing can change the fact that every day without them hurts.
Sunday we gathered for a family memorial service. This time I did not hesitate. I went right over to him and put my hand gently on top of his. I struggled against the tears and the choked back sobs, consciously avoiding letting my tears stain his perfect suit.

He looked restful, finally at peace. His gentle hands rested on top of the towel that was placed there so lovingly. I noticed the toothpick in his suit pocket and smiled to myself as countless memories washed over me. I easily recalled images of him smiling, with a toothpick in his mouth, at one of our many summer cookouts, sitting at the kitchen table laughing, or walking amongst his roses. He was never without a toothpick to clutch in his teeth or twirl around in his fingers.

And there was the pin.

I had never seen it before, and that glossy red pin might as well have been pinned to my heart. A symbol of his life in the railroad industry, I held my breath at the sight of it pinned to his lapel. My broken heart swelled with pride. How I love that man!

As a family we stood together and cried, paid our last respects, and occasionally we laughed as we shared memories and worked hard to hold each other up. We know he is happy, but we mourn our loss nonetheless.

Monday dawned gray, cloudy (Just like another day in August) and cold. We commented on how the snow falling on that morning was like a gift to us, as the August rain had been not so long ago. As we approached the cemetery, it became difficult to breathe. There would be no happy ending for any of us that day.

I will always remember looking up and seeing tiny angels adorning the pine boughs above the graves. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds as we began to sing quiet, tearful tributes of "Home on the Range" and "I've Been Working on the Railroad."

How is it possible for a broken heart to break over and over again?
We crowded together, possibly for the last time, in my Grandparents' house that afternoon. There was an endless amount of love, heartbreaking tears, and even some much needed laughter. I'm certain Grandma and Grandpa would have approved. Well, except for the part about all of us exploring the forbidden basement.

I walked through the house with my husband and my girls, silently saying goodbye to the structure that housed so many wonderful childhood memories. I carefully photographed the house, the walls, the windows, anything that would help me to keep those memories alive forever.

It hurts to say goodbye.


The Robinson legacy is mighty and as his memorial program so eloquently pointed out,our roots run deep. I am so grateful for the rich heritage I have been given and for the love that this family exudes. Now it is time to carefully preserve their history by writing and retelling their stories so that we will always have them near.

I will nag if I have to.

Goodbye 2009 - Thanks for the Memories!

As 2009 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the year of highs and lows that my family has experienced over the last 12 months. If I had a dollar for every time we said that this year is a very different kind of year for us, I certainly wouldn't have to worry about any post Christmas debt! But as I hear the giggles of all the little girls throughout the house and watch my cute husband making his special nachos for our family New Year's Eve celebration, I am completely satisfied and happy with my life.

Here is a short recap of our experiences in 2009:

1. We created a family blog to share with friends and family.

2. Bill and I took a quick, overnight trip to Maui to recharge our parental batteries.

3. Carley and Madi were named officers in Key Club and FBLA at LHS and the price of their sweaters was OMG!

4. We had to rebuild and finish the deck and mason work of the pizza oven after a fire the previous fall.

5. We took the girls to Little Sahara Sand Dunes for an Easter camping trip and we were pretty much soaking wet and cold the entire time!

6. Sent the girls to Ohio for their half sister's High School graduation.

7. Two of our girls got their driver's licenses.

8. Our first major scare when Madi was in a car accident.

9. We learned that our beloved Grandma Robinson was seriously ill.

10. The truck's fuel pump conked out on us on a camping trip to Flaming Gorge.

11. My buddy, Jake, came to my house and planted an Apple tree in our backyard..on my birthday.

12. Madi and Emily got jobs at Lagoon.

13. Boating, boating, and more boating!

14. We said goodbye, for the last time, to Grandma Robinson. Her passing forever changed the way we view our lives.

15. Abby and Linzie started 7th grade, Emily started High School, and Carley and Madi began their Junior year at LHS.

16. I mustered up all of my courage to quit my job at Venture to accept a great job opportunity at OHSU.

17. My "babies" officially became teenagers. Now ALL of our girls are teenagers!

18. We gave away a washer, couch, two geckos and a television when we made necessary upgrades around the house.

19. We made A LOT of fudge.

20. I held and comforted my daughters as they cried and mourned the death of their friend involved in a violent car accident. Less than 48 hours later another friend of theirs tragically lost her older brother to suicide.

21. The discovery of Glee meant much more singing around the house and walking around with silly grins as we compare our crushes on Mr. Schuester.

So as our New Year's celebrations wind down and as each of us slowly wander off to our comfy beds, I cannot help but appreciate all that 2009 taught me. Even though there was a tremendous amount of sadness, I learned to appreciate the moments... each and every one of them whether good or bad.

In one of our favorite songs Jason Mraz sings, "It takes some good to make it hurt... It takes some bad for satisfaction." I agree, Mr. Mraz. Life. Is. Wonderful!

Happy New Year, everyone. I am looking forward to appreciating all that 2010 has to offer!

The Spaces In Between

This week has been busy. Huge. Emotionally exhausting. But even though we have been tested beyond what we have experienced before, even though we are all scrambling to establish our own hectic, must-do schedules - there have been moments of reflection, peace, and sometimes a little sadness in between. Moments that remind us to take the time to appreciate our surroundings and the people we love.



Sunday we awoke to a world shrouded in gray, rain falling from clouds as heavy as our own hearts. How appropriate. Grandma would have loved it. There were many shared thoughts, stories and emotions as we prepared to gather as a family to say goodbye. We were hurting in ways we had not experienced before and we held each other up as the day went on.

Just before we left the house, I had the girls stop so I could take their picture. They posed for their mom in spite of how they felt, and even worked up smiles for the camera. Another moment in time, alone with my girls.



Saying goodbye is never easy...



To say our emotions were all over the map would be an understatement. Sunday and Monday we cried, hugged, laughed, loved, sobbed, ached, and gave thanks for the most beautiful and perfect woman any of us ever have -or ever will know.

And we said goodbye.... For the last time.



I didn't take pictures of Bill on either of those days, but I wish I would have. He is my strength, my rock. When I was breaking down, he stood beside me - comforting me and loving me. He never left my side. He was there for our girls and for my extended family as well...offering his love and support. He is truly an amazing man.

The girls missed their first day of school on Monday as we said goodbye to Grandma, and Bill also took the day off. None of us ever gave it a second thought. We were where we needed to be. My family. My love, strength and happiness.



My heart still hurts, and I know now that it always will. I knew as we drove away that I was leaving part of myself behind. We will never get over her passing, never forget her, and there will never be another like her. Our challenge now is to learn to live with the empty space in our lives where she used to be. We talk to her every day, surrounding ourselves with the things she would love... family, music, flowers.. and love.

"Clock's still ticking, life moves on.. the radio still plays a song.. I guess the world didn't stop, for my broken heart.."



The girls started school on Tuesday - Bill and I went back to work. I began the daunting task of trying to catch up one day before the kids returned to Venture. Every now and then, I had to close my office door so I could hide the tears that came over me suddenly. "Normal" had changed, and I was working to adjust.

My girls and school are like peas and carrots. (wink and a nod to Forrest Gump) They go together perfectly. I know that the girls enjoy school and I am happy that they are back in the routines that they love. Every year I look forward to watching them learn and grow. I may not follow them to school with a camera, but I watch carefully as they drive away, and I think of them as the school bus approaches. They grow up too quickly -My little women.



My days continue at a frantic pace, and the girls are getting busier each day as well. As my calendar fills up with various "To Do's" and as I fall asleep (usually sitting up) each night, I know that life goes on... it is the spaces in between that have changed forever.

The quiet moments at the end of the day are filled with gratitude for all life's blessings. Family, Home, Heritage, Love, Dreams, Music, Art, Laughter, and even Tears. For all of this and more, we are forever grateful and will never forget.

Life's About Changing..

This summer is unlike any summer my family has ever experienced. We go through the motions by going boating, barbecuing, and gardening. But throughout it all, there's a constant, heartbreaking pain that is sometimes achingly visible on our faces... we try to hold it in, and we support each other as much as we possibly can, but what comfort could ever be offered when we are facing the devastating loss of someone who means the world to each and every one of us?

There's a country song by Patty Loveless that is playing an endless loop in my head these days... "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye?" That song speaks of loss and living in spite of the pain and although the words cannot offer comfort, they offer something else.. the knowledge that through this loss, we are not alone. The pain may be unbearable now, but someday it will be something else.. something not as harsh to face.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help my mom cope with the impending loss of her own mother... but there are no words. When she cries, I can only cry with her and tell her how precious this time is. Not everyone gets the chance to say goodbye.. the challenge is being brave enough to take the opportunity to do so. I know my mom's heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces with each passing day and I would give anything to be able to ease her pain. When Mom cries,it is only after holding it in for so long that it simply overwhelms her. I am sure she is sheltering me from the worst pain.. the way she has always done.

Admittedly, I am not good when it comes to goodbyes. I was so afraid to see my grandmother the way she is now. I was terrified that I would start to cry and not be able to stop.. something that I did not want to taint her remaining time with and I was worried that seeing her frail like this would be the only way I would ever remember her. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Grandma to see everyone she loves in constant tears as they come to visit her. How brave she must be!

I took all six girls with me for a visit to Grandma's house, something I knew we had to do in spite of my fears. I did not want to say goodbye.. It is almost as if I was delaying the visit in hopes of keeping her alive longer simply because I was refusing to say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life.
As we sat there, surrounded by so much peace and loving family members, I could only be grateful for the wonderful legacy my grandparents worked so hard to establish. Grandma Robinson is loved by everyone, and searching my memory, I can honestly say that I have never heard her yell, nor have I witnessed an unkind act toward anyone. We spent hours in happy conversation.. laughing, loving and aching for more time. My grandmother is a graceful soul that is rare and beautiful. Her music will long be remembered and her memory forever cherished. I am so grateful that I had the chance to show her how much we love her. I hope she will carry that with her forever, as I am sure we will forever carry her memory with us.

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final words, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?