My Non-Mormon Mommy Blog

So I have heard a buzz in the news lately that Mormon Mommy Blogs are gaining intense popularity, even from people who are not Mormon.  Here's my dirty little secret:  I read those blogs too! Every single day in fact. There's something intriguing about the way they describe their lives as full of sunshine, happiness and fabulous parties thrown in their backyards with charming strings of lights dangling from the picturesque tree (which probably has a perfect tree house in it as well.)

Charming I tell you!

My life could never be like that. I don't know what it is, but I seriously could never pull that off. I can't tell you how many times I have read about the Mormon Mom bragging that her husband is home with her every day and how she loves making cupcakes for the neighbors all day long and how some hoyty toyty famous photographer just happens to drop by so they ended up having an impromptu family photo shoot.

Really??

They send their adorable gaggle of  kids outside to make snow angels while the photographer snaps away. I wonder why those kids aren't in school, but more importantly, how do they make snow angels in their backyard when I KNOW they have a huge dog in their family? We have dogs too.  If I sent my girls to the backyard to make snow angels they would end up with something other than snow all over them.  Maybe they have a secret to get their dog to use a litter box? Could I get someone to share with me the secret to the yard without doggie doo.. without getting rid of the dogs?

Those MMB's (Mormon Mommy Bloggers) talk about making healthy vegetarian dinners that their children love even as they talk about the fantastically fun lunch date they had with 20 of their closest gal pals earlier in the day.  Okay.  First of all, I have not raised picky eaters... but I KNOW my kids would not be doing cartwheels over nothing but veggies all the time. (well, maybe Carley would.. she seems to have a distrust of meats.) As for the lunch dates... again, where is all this money coming from?

Oh wait a minute.. maybe the money is coming from their Etsy shops where they sell cutesy homemade headbands to each other. I seriously need to figure out how to make money on Etsy!

Don't get me wrong. I love these blogs, I really do. I just think they read more like fiction. I have the same components they do.. a husband, house, SIX girls, two dogs (ugh) and my house runs nothing like theirs does. I refuse to believe that just because they are mormon their lives are so perfectly perfect that money grows on trees and the happy fairy visits three times a day.

Whereas the MMB's will write about sunshiney days with scents of homemade cookies wafting in the air, I might write about the inversion that traps thick brown air all around us and how I light every available candle in the house to cover up the smell of burned eggs, popcorn.. whatever the kids happened to ignite last. MMB's write about how charming their husbands are and how they love afternoon naps together while the children play quietly with their siblings. While I do happen to think my Hubby is charming in his own ridiculous sort of way, if Hubby and I tried to take a nap (Laughing about even the THOUGHT of that) then the kids would be playing loud video games, arguing in the kitchen or stomping up and down the stairs.  Where's the peace in that?

By the way, if a famous photographer happens to be reading this blog, I'd love it if you would just drop by to take some wonderful pictures of my (im)perfect family! Then when Hubby and I are driving around with nothing to do, we can get all giddy over the thought of IKEA frames for our perfect family photos!  Yay! (Or should I say "Squeee!") 

Here's a glimpse into my non-mormon home:

• Charming Hubby takes up juggling as a hobby as we try to pay all the bills. Being out of work is not fun for this mom and I spend every morning searching the job listings.
• The family computer is on the fritz again and the dogs are increasingly on my nerves. I remind the family every day that I'm not a dog person and they remind me that I thought the dogs were cute when they were puppies. 
• The girls each have a million different school activities that require lots of dropping off and picking up.. good thing I have teenagers to help with the driving chore! 
• Possibly the scariest question I get asked is "What's for dinner?" Remember the whole money thing? It's tough making great dinners when you lack the funds to do so! Last night the little girls made egg salad sandwiches again and Hubby playfully declared them "fart sandwiches" because of the thick smell of boiled eggs in the air. (Hubby didn't eat a sandwich)
• Second semester means all the girls have a new round of school fees. When the heck did school become so expensive?? Everyone has fees that have to be paid right this minute. Still not enough money. 
• I am constantly nagging the kids to put down the cell phones, iPods, whatever... so that they will look up and interact with the actual world which is right in front of them.
• Child A hurt the feelings of Child B and they are now locked in a silent war with plenty of dirty looks to go around. Meanwhile, Child C thinks it is unfair that Child D seems to have a cushier life and Child C either wants a cushy life or wants Child D brought down to the same level. Hubby has engaged in a standoff with Child E over the messy bedroom that needs to be cleaned up. I hear threats of the door being removed again.  Time for me to referee everyone and restore some semblance of peace to the warring factions. 
• My microwave has been missing parts for years. By missing parts I mean that the front face plate was sawed off by Hubby when a button quit working and now we have to smoosh our fingers in the hole to reach the circuit board in order to get it to work. The digital display doesn't work either so you just have to guess how much time is left and try not to burn anything. 
• Don't get me started on the fiasco with the dishwasher. Turns out the soap scum isn't our fault but the environmentalists who declared phosphates bad for the enviornment so there was a ban and now all the dishsoaps are crap. I'm told that the only way to avoid scummy dishes is to get a water softener installed... they cost about $1,000. Again with the money thing!
• Madi's car needs a bunch of things replaced/repaired before it is road worthy. Madi's mood is in a freefall over not having a car.  She has forgotten how happy she was to be rid of the van that was breaking down all the time. She wants her freedom and we want her to have her freedom too... but darn that money! We are making the repairs as quickly as possible. 
• Because it is winter and the temperatures are cold, my Durango does not like to reverse. It sputters and dies unless I put one foot on the brake and one on the gas pedal and peel out like a NASCAR driver. Last night I was in the process of doing that when (thankfully!) I happened to notice Hubby's truck parked right behind me in the driveway. Narrowly escaped another insurance claim. Whew! 
• Medical crisis seems to be our speciality and there's another on the horizon that will coincide with an important graduation. June is going to kill me! I wonder if Madi would consider a trip to Atlanta for Ashley's surgery an adequate senior trip? No? Do her friends have to come for it to be a senior trip? Darn!

I love my family, I really do! We don't have a surplus of money and the kids don't get to see Hubby as much as they would like because he has to work swing shift. But the time we do have is usually spent laughing, talking and enjoying each others' company. I don't make cupcakes but I did make a chocolate Cherry Coke cake last week that had real Caribbean Rum in the cream cheese frosting. I did feel bad that Madi's uber Mormon friend was completely freaked out by it but she didn't eat the cake so her eternal salvation is not on the line. My girls all ate the cake and loved it... there wasn't enough rum in the frosting for any long lasting ill effects to their health so we enjoyed it. (Hubby enjoyed two pieces!) After the cake we watched a movie about an alcholic country singer. Good times.  ;)

My point is...  was there a point?  Oh yeah! I love the Mormon Mommy Blogs, as I said I read them every day, but I think they are leaving out the messy details and publishing sanitized versions that are as rosy and happy as the Prozac that they hide in their medicine cabinets. Now now.. I'm not judging! It is a fact that Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressant use than any other state. Maybe they bake it into their cupcakes, I don't really know. But I do have experience being a Mormon (long long time ago) and I can tell you that religion alone isn't a magic carpet ride to happiness.

While I appreciate how so many people feel uplifted by those Mormon blogs, I think it's a lot like the Wizard of Oz hiding out behind the curtain. What you see isn't necessarily what you get. Life is messy... life is hard and hearts break all the time. It should be just as fulfilling to read about overcoming hardships or even just surviving those trials with our sense of humor in tact. Why not share our trials along with our solutions and help each other out along the way? Is it really better to hide it than to put it out there so others can learn from our mistakes?

I'm a non-mormon mommy blogger that loathes cleaning toilets and I loved having the bed all to myself when Hubby was out of town the other night... and I'm not afraid to admit it.  ;)