Looking Forward

At this time last year, our hearts were heavy. Broken. We mourned the loss of one of the greatest loves of our lives and suddenly the world felt wrong. Back to School excitement was put aside and we tearfully added one more stop to our busy shopping schedule. One more outfit to purchase for each of us.. something to wear that would be appropriate for a funeral.

We didn't know it then, but we were about to embark on a tough year filled with too much sadness and loss. We forgot what it was like to live without pain, sadness and regret for all the things that would never be.
As time passed, I observed each of us coping in different ways. Some needed extra love and affection, while others needed space. Some of us cried openly, even as an aching silence crept into our home. Occasionally there were feelings of guilt if we had a good day, but mostly I had to learn how to accept the feeling of helplessness and just be there for my girls as we mourned the loss of friends and family gone from our lives much too soon.

If mortality was our lesson then love was the anchor that kept us from drifting apart during those turbulent months.  Over and over, I reminded my girls that it was ok to cry. I believe with all my heart that tears are a gift... a way to release the overwhelming pain and then rest when the tears subside. Last year we cried more than we ever had before.

Here we are one year later, about to face the first day of school. This year, the girls are planning on being there when that first bell rings. We have shopped and prepared, discussed and planned. Everything seems in order... except we had the shadow of 2009 hanging over us.

So I decided to do something about it.

I wanted to give the kids something positive to think about as they begin the school year. Abby and Linzie will finally get to have their first "first day" of Junior High and Carley and Madi will have their last first day of  High School. (Ouch!) And Emily...  well, she just might get a driver's license this year, so watch out!

If those aren't things to celebrate then I don't know what is!

I thought what we needed was a party and I was determined to make it happen.Yesterday we held a "Back to School" party for all the adorable kiddos in our lives who are returning to various schools and preschools tomorrow morning. Bill was in fine form as he manned the grill, we had lots of food and the grown ups and little people we love arrived by the car load!

Earlier in the day, Carley and I had made a trip to the store to get fun little things to fill bags that Carley labeled "Back to School Survival Kit." We filled the bags with crayons (Not just for the little ones), cookies, pencils and pens, happy stickers, note pads, play dough, hand wipes, elastic bands in fun shapes, suckers, nail polish (for the girls), color changing hand soap (for the boys), animal print band-aids, cupcake scented body spray, kool-aid flavored chap stick, gum and tic-tacs, and a ginormous bottle of bubbles on which Carley had written, "Don't blow off your homework!"

 The squeals of  surprised delight and laughter were music to my soul. The little ones beamed from ear to ear and the big kids also enjoyed the fun. They made plans about where each item would fit in their backpacks and talked about how fun it would be to blow bubbles at the park across from the high school. The little ones didn't waste any time and opted to enjoy the treats right away!

My heart felt uplifted and I knew that this was the perfect way to kick off the new school year. I am certain the kids enjoyed it too. We celebrated the great things to come in 2010 and made sure the adorable kiddos all knew how special they are. I listened to them talk excitedly about their classes, teachers and friends that they have missed and I smiled. That childhood excitement is exactly what I had hoped to tap into and it was happiness in the purest form.

Girls, I hope each of you always remember how special you are! You are so smart, funny, talented and above all, kind.  Remember all the things I have taught you and go out and learn a bunch of new, great stuff! Please try to keep the last minute homework to a minimum... remember that your mama is too old to be staying up all night making posters and writing book reports. Don't be afraid to try new things and make lots of new friends. Remember that they are probably just as shy as you are! I know you will always do your best and I am so proud of you!

It is going to be a great school year!