Swimming With The Sharks Without Becoming Chum

Have you ever walked into a furniture store and felt like chum on Shark Feeding day?  Yeah, I know you know what I'm talking about! I understand they work on commission and therefore have to tackle the fresh meat customers as they come in the door. I get it, I understand it, and occasionally I even appreciate their razor sharp teeth sinking into my flesh courteous helpfulness.

Furniture stores= chumfest.  Check!

The whole furniture store thing doesn't surprise me. In fact, sometimes I like to pretend I am a clipper ship and those salesmen are barnacles on my hull. They're just doing their barnacle thing and can't help themselves, therefore I can cruise around the store oblivious to the barnacles cruising along with me. Sometimes I may even bait one or two to see how many I can get to trail after me... on those days we aren't playing clipper ship, no sirree bob! Those days we are playing Haley's Freaking Comet!

Lately there's a new trend that I've been observing from a distance and this one has me completely annoyed intrigued!  I'm talking about the salespeople that hunt in packs at our local warehouse grocery store. See, I have a big family and that necessitates shopping in bulk. That's right, I'm talking Sam's Club.. the holy grail of grocers that enables you to buy enough aluminum foil at a time to do this:


 
That's some poor professor's office under all that foil! Just check out the individually wrapped books in the bookcase!  Apparently whoever did that also buys time in bulk because that would take a fairly large chunk of it to accomplish all of that and I for dang sure don't have that much on hand!
(I'm still looking for the aisle where time is stocked, if you happen to locate it give me a call.)

I digress.

Lately when I go to Sam's Club, I have to mentally prepare myself before walking in the door. Not only do they have that annoying guy that stands guard at the entrance to make sure you have your membership card (Of course I have a card, why else would I even BE there?! And, if I DIDN'T have a card, couldn't I just walk over to the front desk and GET one? Why are you even here, Guard Boy?) but now they have people standing just on the edges of the aisles to catch unsuspecting shoppers and force them to buy cell phones, Direct TV,  family portrait sessions, bags of mixed nuts.. whatever! Sheesh! Can't I just get my 75lbs of butter in peace?!

The other day there was someone handing out samples of Lysol antibacterial wipes and I giggled out loud. I can imagine the frustration of the "grazers" that come to the stores to happily munch on the freebies offered every ten feet. Will they even notice they have been given antibacterial wipes before they hastily pop one in their mouth out of grazer habit?  Haha! I am so easily amused!

Again, I digress.  Too much funny fodder at Sam's Club I suppose!

So there I am, at Sam's Club, and I see the sharks circling ahead of me. If I dodge them they'll sense weakness and then I'm a goner. I could pretend to be fascinated by the bulk masking tape, but how long could I possibly feign interest in a convenience package of 10,000 feet of tape anyway? Probably not long enough for them to find another victim.

Darn!

I could just use the standard approach of walking past them with my eyes glued forward, pretending they aren't there, but how original is that? Everyone does that, right?  Well would you look at that! Suddenly nothing exists except what is in front of me, therefore Mr. Annoying isn't there and can't try to sell me anything. I'm telling you, it won't work. The sneaky sharks have evolved and are now immune to this trickery. This is why there are now TWO sharks at every station. If you try to ignore the one on the side, the other will step right out into your path. Then whattaya gonna do, run over the guy with your oversize grocery cart?

Nope, didn't think so.  None of us wants that embarassment.

Not to worry, I have a new plan that works perfectly every time! When you see the sharks circling, don't avoid them, instead look the fellas in the eye! As you make your approach you will see the sacrificial shark make his move to step out in front of you even as his buddy is preparing his totally fake happy greeting. This is where you put on your best "Sunday go to church" smile and when you're close enough to see the lines of their palms as they offer their predatory handshake, wait until the moment one of them starts to speak... it is almost always something like, "HEY! have you heard about our exciting.. yadda yadda yadda..." 

Now's your chance!

In your cheeriest voice say, "Oh, I KNOW! I already have it and I love it!"  And keep on walking, my friend. Just keep on walking.

This will stun the sharks every time. Not only do you have it, but you love it too! Their pitch has been safely disarmed and there's nothing more they can think of to say. 

Shopper 1 : Sharks 0

PS:  This is disturbing:

This is an actual picture of actual samples being given out at Sam's Club. Eeeeww! Please, Shoppers, no matter how hungry you are, PLEASE DO NOT EAT THIS SAMPLE!!