Taking Control

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with my girlies. These days my girls are all very busy doing their own independant thing so getting all of them together isn't an everyday occurrence anymore.. and it didn't happen yesterday either. But I did spend most of the day and evening with at least two of the girls at all times, and late at night they were all home and we chatted about our day as we watched Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart.

It was like taking the deep breath I've been needing.

I played Kinect games with Abby, Linzie and Carley.. and once or twice Emily was there too. We kicked, punched, swatted some awesome ping pong, and threw hundreds of bowling balls.  And we laughed.  I loved every minute of it! I find it amazing that technology has advanced to the point where we don't need game controllers anymore. I was proud of myself for hanging in there with my kiddos and even beating them in several events!

When Madi's friend called and asked her to hang out, I sort of pushed her to go. Part of me felt badly about it because it meant giving up time with my Mads.. but I hoped it would be worth it to her to get out and have fun. She looked adorable and her smiles were pretty big so I'm guessing she had a good time in spite of the actual event being kind of a stinker.

When I finally went to bed and began my unwinding time as everyone else drifted off to sleep, I reflected on the day and thought about how it was the first time in several days that I didn't feel overly stressed or uptight.  My girlies have a way of soothing me when no one else can. I need to put more energy into my girls than stressing about the things I cannot control.  I need to find a way to accept that, like it or not, there is a separation in our family.. a barrier that I cannot cross. I need to face those "steps" and then move on.

That's a big job.

I have had a miserable week. Not only have I been physically sick, but my heart has been down in the dumps too. I have been trying to jump over an impossible hurdle and only hurting myself more each time I failed. So last night I decided that I will concentrate on my girls and the things I can have a say in.  I am giving myself permission to let go of the pain I feel over Ashley.  It is not going to be easy, but by spending time with my girls and delighting in the wonderful young women they are, I will be actively participating in creating a Good Life. It doesn't get any better than that, right?

I'm still sad that Ashley has to go through such a difficult thing, but I have no control over it.. no say in what happens next. I'm a bystander who is now choosing to let the whole thing pass in front of me rather than get run over by it.  It's not a perfect solution, but it is the best I can do. I have to be able to find happiness every day in order to be the best mom that my girls deserve.

I'm sure there are still plenty of hurdles in my path, and I still grieve over the loss of the bond I thought I once had, but for now this has to happen. I can't keep beating myself up over wanting to be part of something that maybe wasn't all I thought it was.  If I treat this as an opportunity for personal growth then it can't be all bad... that's what I'm hoping for at least. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts on how to survive this "step" and hopefully things will be a little easier to bear in the days ahead. I'll be sure to let you know how it works out for me. Now if you'll excuse me, there are five girlies that I simply must go spend more time with. :)