Music That I Can't Live Without

***UPDATE*** Meredith Bragg "Next Time" is now available on iTunes!  2-4-11

Have you ever heard a song that just won't let go of you?  I'm talking about one of those songs that says, "Hello soul, where have you been all my life?"  Mmm Hmmm, that's what I'm talking about.

Last night Carley and I were watching our most favorite favorite-est show, Parenthood.  If you haven't seen it before, let me just clarify something.. I'm fairly certain NBC has bugged my house and is using my life to write this television series, with subtle variations thrown in so that I can't sue them for my share of the profits.  I should also clarify that there are very few people I could actually sit and watch this show with because I am constantly covering my face and saying, "omigosh, how did they KNOW!" Carley forgives me those moments because, face it, she knows the story lines are ripped from our lives too! And at the end of every episode she helps me sweep the house for the bugs that we know are planted here somewhere. 

At the end of last night's episode, when one of the main characters was sobbing into a pillow over the daughter that is working hard to break her mother's heart, there was a haunting song playing in the background. It reached into my guts and hooked me so hard that I was actually annoyed at the characters because their talking was making it so I couldn't hear the song! I have a vague recollection of the girlies air kissing me from the doorway as I began my Internet hunt for the song based on the snippets of lyrics I could gather in spite of the dialogue.

Nada.

The song could not be located by the lyrics. In this information age, that almost NEVER happens! I was frustrated!  By that time I had re-watched the scene a dozen or so times and I liked the song even more every time I heard it.

Today I was thrilled to discover that NBC lists some songs from each episode on their website and.. TA DA! There it was..  Meredith Bragg "Next Time"  You better believe I hopped over to iTunes immediately to purchase this haunting song.

I'm starting to think the universe doesn't want me to have this song because IT WASN'T THERE!  Are you kidding me?! Multiple Internet searches later and all I can tell you is that this song came out some time last year but it is nowhere to be purchased.  *sob* I did find ONE place where I could stream the song and listen to it at my computer.

Want to hear it for yourself?  "Next Time"

I luh-huve this song! I can't explain why, but it makes me want to take off somewhere tropical and walk down a sugary-white beach with flip flops in my hand and grains of sand sticking to my feet. I didn't think I'd ever get over the trauma of last year's Hawaiian vacation, but this song has apparently cured me... well, the song AND the fact that the arctic air has us trapped in single digit weather this morning.

Bill's feet.. Kickin it in Maui '09  Time to go back, yes?

Since there is no tropical vacation in my future, I would at least like to have the song on my iPod so I can dream. Is that too much to ask?  Meredith Bragg, please get your schtuff together and make the song available on iTunes. I'd be oh so grateful!

This pic was posted on dooce.com today. Mean!

And Hubby, if you ever read this.... which you won't....  how about a nice tropical vacay?

Life's About Changing..

This summer is unlike any summer my family has ever experienced. We go through the motions by going boating, barbecuing, and gardening. But throughout it all, there's a constant, heartbreaking pain that is sometimes achingly visible on our faces... we try to hold it in, and we support each other as much as we possibly can, but what comfort could ever be offered when we are facing the devastating loss of someone who means the world to each and every one of us?

There's a country song by Patty Loveless that is playing an endless loop in my head these days... "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye?" That song speaks of loss and living in spite of the pain and although the words cannot offer comfort, they offer something else.. the knowledge that through this loss, we are not alone. The pain may be unbearable now, but someday it will be something else.. something not as harsh to face.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help my mom cope with the impending loss of her own mother... but there are no words. When she cries, I can only cry with her and tell her how precious this time is. Not everyone gets the chance to say goodbye.. the challenge is being brave enough to take the opportunity to do so. I know my mom's heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces with each passing day and I would give anything to be able to ease her pain. When Mom cries,it is only after holding it in for so long that it simply overwhelms her. I am sure she is sheltering me from the worst pain.. the way she has always done.

Admittedly, I am not good when it comes to goodbyes. I was so afraid to see my grandmother the way she is now. I was terrified that I would start to cry and not be able to stop.. something that I did not want to taint her remaining time with and I was worried that seeing her frail like this would be the only way I would ever remember her. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Grandma to see everyone she loves in constant tears as they come to visit her. How brave she must be!

I took all six girls with me for a visit to Grandma's house, something I knew we had to do in spite of my fears. I did not want to say goodbye.. It is almost as if I was delaying the visit in hopes of keeping her alive longer simply because I was refusing to say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life.
As we sat there, surrounded by so much peace and loving family members, I could only be grateful for the wonderful legacy my grandparents worked so hard to establish. Grandma Robinson is loved by everyone, and searching my memory, I can honestly say that I have never heard her yell, nor have I witnessed an unkind act toward anyone. We spent hours in happy conversation.. laughing, loving and aching for more time. My grandmother is a graceful soul that is rare and beautiful. Her music will long be remembered and her memory forever cherished. I am so grateful that I had the chance to show her how much we love her. I hope she will carry that with her forever, as I am sure we will forever carry her memory with us.

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final words, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?