Round and Round We Go.. Where My Girls Are... I Sure As Heck Don't Know!

When I was a little girl, I remember standing outside with my arms stretched out on either side of me and my face aimed up toward the sun as I spun in circles until I couldn't stand up anymore. To my little barefoot self, that was the greatest feeling in the whole. wide. world! Fast forward thirty five years and would you believe me if I told you that my grown up self has that dizzy, which-way-is-up feeling but without the joy of spinning?

Let me explain...

My oldest girls started college recently. My middle girl is a senior in high school. My youngest girls are at the beginning of their very last year of junior high.  In addition, the three oldest girls all have jobs and I never, I repeat, NEVER have any idea when they will be home or at school or off gallivanting with their hormone-driven friends.

Please cue the maniacal merry-go-round music and put it on fast forward, because I'm pretty sure this crazy ride's one I won't be getting off of anytime soon. Pass the Dramamine while you're at it. Please and thankyaverramuch!

My little girls aren't so little anymore. I know I sound like a broken record, but when the heck did they grow up and who said they could do that anyway? I mentioned to Hubby today that I'm not so certain I will handle the "empty nest syndrome" very well... his response?  "Are you kidding me? That's when you and I will start vacationing all the time!"

I may not get to see them face-to-face quite as often these days, but thank heavens we all have text messaging to keep in touch!

And for the record... you will always be my little girls. 

Dreams vs. Reality

I have been saving my money for something special for a while now. It hasn't been easy to tuck away a few dollars here and there, but I had a grand idea.. a truly wonderful, beautiful idea, and it was worth every hard-earned dollar!

A few months ago,  I decided I was going to pick a few days in September or October and take my girls to Massachusetts to see our precious Aunt Dottie and, if we were lucky, drive out to Louisa May Alcott's house to take a picture of my little women in front of this green door:

 

I absolutely ache to see Dottie again and I grew more and more excited over my wonderful idea as the saved money stash began to show actual promise of this dream becoming a reality..  But you know what they say, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

It would appear that Life has happened to my little stash of money.  It started out innocent enough.. someone needed last minute school supplies or maybe help with gas money.  Then when school started this week, suddenly there were class supplies and extra fees that we hadn't counted on. USB drives had to be purchased, printer paper, ink, and SD cards for cameras, and the list goes on.  I had to have the girls write down all their extra fees just so I wouldn't forget! 

Before I knew it, that little nest of money that was carefully put aside for The Trip had all but vanished. Like a spoiled child, Life had gotten its own way again.

I'm sad. Truly sad. I wanted so badly to take a little trip to see Dottie. I wanted my girls to see Dottie, and for Dottie to see my girls.  The dream was so close, I could almost smell the crisp autumn air of Massachusetts. Now, I don't think I can save up that trip money in time... but I console myself with the knowledge that I was able to get my girls the supplies they needed and for that I'm grateful. 

Dottie, we will keep trying. Hopefully this little setback won't delay this dream for too long. We really want to come see you!

Happy Birthday, Aunt Dottie!!

Today is my beautiful, great aunt Dottie's birthday! Words have not yet been invented to describe how much I love this extraordinary lady.  Dottie lives in Massachusetts, so I don't get to see her very often, but she is in my thoughts every single day. When I think of Dottie, I hear her melodious laughter which lifts my heart, I see her beautifully delicate hands which remind me so much of my sweet Grandmother, and just the thought of Dottie makes me smile.  Beautiful lady, I hope you are having the very best day because you deserve every wonderful thing life has to offer! I love you oh so much!

I "borrowed" this picture from Facebook. I am so envious of everyone who was able to spend that special day with Dottie!  Love you, Aunt Dottie!

Never Enough Time - Enjoy Every Moment We're Given

I'd love to tell you that I've been away on some fantastic vacay, but the truth is plain-vanilla boring.  I've been here, concussed and foggy- but more or less here, doing the normal every day living.  I go to work, I come home and say hello to whatever girlies happen to be home at the time, and I complain about the dogs.  Normal... Boring!

(Except for the day at Pineview with my besties and the adventure of FIVE of the girls getting pulled over by the water police.. but that's a story for another day!)

During those rare, quiet moments.. I think about my life and how lucky I am to be where I am, surrounded by my favorite people on the planet.  It's getting harder and harder to catch time with my lovelies as they get older and their lives, which have been somewhat pliable up until this point (think Play-Dough pliable and you'll get my meaning), have suddenly taken on a more concrete form... a form in which I'm more of a supporting actress, or extra, instead of the lead.

Wow... did any of that make sense?  If not then let's go ahead and blame the concussion since that excuse is really working for me lately. 

My point is that my girls are growing up. Their lives are becoming their own and I find myself more and more on the fringes... trying to understand this new way of life and what it means for my family. It's hard to let go. I have nurtured and cared for these little creatures their whole lives.. I've known where they were almost every minute.. and now I find that sometimes entire days pass by without communication with one or more of my girls. Ouch and double ouch.

Just yesterday I was driving past the high school when I noticed a strikingly familiar red Jeep parked in the otherwise empty lot. I wondered out loud if that was my Emily's Jeep parked there and then I was amazed that I had no idea where my girls were at that point in time. Wow. Just.. wow.  Turns out it was Emily's Jeep and she was there goofing off with friends. But the point is that my little ones have grown up and are running their own lives more and more.

I need to find a way to make this difficult adjustment.

Hubby and I were talking last night about how we need to figure this new lifestyle out soon because the frantic pace of trying to keep up with everything is wearing us out! While I don't like the idea of accepting the splintered family evenings, I don't see much of a choice. Just the other day, we went up to the reservoir and had to swallow the bitter pill of leaving one of the girls behind because she had to work. It broke my heart. I want to ask my mom how she coped with this teenager-turning-adult transition? How do I let go of all the group activities and routines that I have carefully nurtured for 19 years now? It's not going to be easy!

For now, I am grateful to get what time I can with my family. This summer we have had wonderful moments of family barbecues, playing with the new watercraft, birthday parties and other backyard get togethers... but there haven't been nearly enough for my liking because we are also busy working our separate jobs, going our separate ways....

Slow down, Life...  Give me more time to treasure these precious days with my family.

Breaking in the new Waverunners:

Our Summer Garden:

 The screens, antique gardening tools and antique ladder all belonged to my beloved grandparents who also loved gardening.

Oh, Hi! What have YOU been up to?

The doctor's exact words were, "You've definitely been concussed. We need to get a scan of your brain and we should probably x-ray that elbow too."   If I hadn't been feeling like crap, I'm sure I could have come up with something witty to say...  but the problem is that my wits seem to have taken an extended vacation. As in, I live in a dense fog these days where thinking is nearly impossible and my family members give me funny looks that seem to say, "Oh that poor woman. It's sad that she sounds so crazy."

Two days ago, while doing my normal household chores, I slipped on a video game case and took a tumble down some stairs, whacking the back of my head so hard that I forgot some fairly important things. (Where I work, for example.) As the day went on, my symptoms got worse and worse.. until I was feeling so horrible that I wanted to find a nice doctor to make me feel better. I wasn't asking for much.. I didn't expect anyone to make me feel great, or to erase the angry, purple and black bruise from my elbow (Hubby says it looks like I hit a train with my elbow) .. I was just desperate for the pressure in my head to ease up, for the nausea to subside, and for the freakin fog to lift from my muddled thoughts. No such luck though. All the doctor could do was reassure us that there was no bleeding in my noggin and then slap us with the news that this could take 6 weeks to recover from. Seriously??

Yesterday was beyond rough.  Severe pain, dizziness, nausea, and very confused thoughts. Tears of frustration were constant, but throughout it all, my sweet family took such loving care of me.  I'm a lucky girl.  Hubby timed and brought me my meds and he even drilled a hole in my water bottle cap so that a straw would fit just right, making it easier to sip from bed - Madi and Emily went out and bought dinner which Madi later cooked and cleaned up after - Carley, Linzie and Abby checked on me frequently, attending to my every need. So if you have to have a concussion, my house is a pretty good place to spend your recovery time.. just sayin'!

The trick now is to "ride it out" without getting overly frustrated. There's so much I want to be doing... spending time with my family and gardening, of course, is right up there at the top. But I can't be up and about quite yet because of the dizziness. Interestingly, I can't watch television either. My eyes won't track the images on the screen and my brain has difficulty interpreting what is going on.  They tell me that the recovery period is 6 weeks...  SIX WEEKS! Yikes.

I'm so grateful to my family for taking such good care of me. I'm lucky to be surrounded by loving girls and my Hubby (who can be a butthead at times, but really comes through when I need him!).  Now I just need my noggin-jello to heal so that I can feel normal again.  Normal?  What's that??

"When we wanted what we never had, we did what we'd never done." Class of 2011

My timing on this post gets a ginormous FAIL. I know I have been promising to sit down and do this for weeks and weeks now.. you just wouldn't understand how taxing it is on me to never get two days off in a row anymore. There's never enough time to get anything done!

Anyway...

Back to the day in question... My babies were graduating from High School. I'm not even kidding! How did these little ones grow up in the blink of an eye? It seems like one minute Madi was gibbering "tappy tappy tappy" all day long and Carley was asking me to braid her long, curly locks. Sigh... If only I could go back and play with those dear little ones again. It would be magical, to be sure!

On June 2nd, 2011, Carley did not ask me to braid her hair.. and although I'm sure there was gibbering of some sort in our house that day, it wasn't Madi's childhood trademark, "tappy, tappy, tappy." Instead, I think I did most of the gibbering, and by the way things were not getting done, I think it's safe to say that I was gibbering to myself. ;)  I was almost ready to leave when I took one look at the girls' graduation gowns and knew there was no way I was letting them walk in those wrinkled messes! So I whipped out the iron as quick as you please, and declared war on those wrinkles! Have you ever stopped to consider how slippery those gowns are? Keeping the gowns on the ironing board was a lot like wrestling a bathtub full of eels. Good thing Madi was there to lend a hand!

Ironed gowns in hand, the two graduates headed off for the college campus while I urged the others to hurry. I was somewhat amazed that they weren't ready yet since they had all been told what time we needed to leave. I desperately tried to keep my stress under control so that the day could be appreciated and enjoyed properly. We were a little later getting out the door than I had planned, but it would have been so much worse if Hubby hadn't stepped in to be helpful by taking Linz to get the stockings she needed. (I'm grateful for Hubby's errand running skills!)

As we drove to the event center for the graduation, I finally had time to think about what it was we were doing. I suddenly felt as if I had swallowed a basketball. My throat tightened up and I found it difficult to breathe. It wasn't long before the stinging in my eyes signaled the onset of the official graduation sob-session. (even now I feel the threat of tears in my eyes just writing this!) My little girls have grown up. How long before they don't need me at all?

When I graduated, I hit the road running. To be fair, I was an extremely rebellious teen. A lost, confused and very angsty teen. I was glad to be rid of high school, and I vowed to never look back. I still haven't been to even one reunion.. just in case you were wondering. See, in terms of my teenage years, my buddy Stephen King said it best:  "If you liked being a teenager, there's something really wrong with you."  I totally agree! totally!

(How about you stay on topic and get back to the story, Nicole?)

It's entirely possible that the reason I worry about my little chickies flying the coop too soon is because that is what I did. I don't want them rushing head first into adulthood before they have the skills and armor they need to be successful. I winged it.. and I did a not-so-great job of it for many years. I want more for my girls.. doesn't every parent?

So there we were, stuck in a graduation ceremony traffic jam, and I was bawling. Not sentimental quiet tears either. Oh no! I was rocking the big, ugly, sob cry that never looks good on anyone. My heart, the heart of a mother who aches to keep her little ones little, was breaking even though it was a wonderful, happy occasion. So as I sniffled and sobbed, Hubby and my other girls were laughing at me as we all hoped I could get it together before we took our seats.

After wandering around the event center, trying to find the perfect seats, we finally connected with my mom and dad... and we just happened to have the perfect seats to be as close as we could get to Carley and Madi. I'd like to be able to tell you the waterworks had stopped by then, but as we took our seats, the piano theme song to "Man From Snowy River" started playing and I lost it all over again. You see, that beautiful piano music always makes me think of my Sweet Grandma... and I know that She knows it. Call me silly, but I believe that was her way of letting me know she was there to share the girls' special day.

Watching my beautiful girls walk in to the building and take their seats, I could not have been more proud. My mind replayed the many years of classroom holiday parties, school carnivals, late night homework sessions, fabulous report cards, book reports, school picture day, parent teacher conferences and more. Where did the time go?? My girls each had wonderful academic accomplishments and they managed to steer clear of the pitfalls that many teenagers fall into during their high school years. They are everything I always wanted to be and more!

I held my Hubby's hand throughout the ceremony, and we ate licorice that my mom brought (she always has goodies with her!) and we snapped what pictures we could to remember the occasion. Once again, Carley and Madi were first. Our first girls have graduated with honors and I am mighty proud.  Next year it is Emily's turn, and the year after that it will be Ashley.. then we take a year off before Abby and Linzie graduate. Wow.. I feel like my life is on fast forward!

Congratulations, my sweet girlies! You did it!