Every Little Ting Is Gonna Be Alright

I think this is the first time I've turned my computer on in over a week. It's been that crazy in my life lately.  Overall I think things are starting to smooth out though and that's a huge relief. True, we have had some growing pains in our family recently, and the process involved some tears and several lengthy discussions, but my family always comes out of any adversity stronger than ever before.

Here are some things I've learned, or revisited recently:

• Letting go of being primary caretaker for my girls is a tough transition, but they are soaring! These beautiful girls have learned all the right lessons and I'm so proud of the way they steer their own lives. 
• Just because people assume I'm falling apart doesn't mean I have to make it true for them. 
• Sleep is very, very important! 
• Having a cell phone in my pocket while chasing a drifting waverunner off shore into waist deep water is not good for the phone. Submersion = loss of phone. 
• Putting waterlogged cell phone in a container of rice overnight is a lot like Dr. Frankenstein raising the dead.  It's ALIVE! 
• Karma is real. I've always known this, but it's nice to see that what goes around truly does come around, even if it takes years to do so. All the more reason to always do the right thing. 
• Having a sister that I can call and have a long, emotional conversation with is a lifesaver. 
• That saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a bunch of crap! Words do hurt. Always choose your words carefully. 
• Having a day of outdoor fun is nice, but having a day of doing nothing is sometimes even better. 
• Gardening really does soothe the soul. 
• Cooking also eases my tension. I've been too tired to do a lot of creative cooking lately and I really miss it. 
• Taking the time to play games with my girls, even when I'm exhausted, is something I will never regret. I'm still thinking about a recent night of games with grins and giggles.. I doubt I'd still be thinking about going to bed early that night. 
• Sometimes people appear in your life and it feels as though they were meant to be there all along. Having friends that are more like family is precious.
• Nothing is more important than family. Nothing. 

A day of boating with my precious family. That's me, Carley and little Ty on the bow of the boat, Bill is driving and that's our dear friend, Brian's arm on the left. :) The other girls were sitting in the back of the boat. More pictures to come soon! 

Sunshine and Shadows

"Fake friends are like shadows: always near you at your brightest hour, 

but nowhere to be seen at your darkest moments."

I'm bugged. I realize that my stress level has been extremely high lately (and by that I mean for the last month) but today I broke. I have mentioned that Carley has some big news lately and I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't think it was my place... but Carley and I have been talking about it so I think it's ok to say it here... Carley has chosen to be baptized into the LDS church.  Although I have to face some of my old ghosts because of her choice, I understand that it is indeed her choice, and I love her more than I could love anyone or anything that isn't one of my girls. So Carley has my full support. She always has and she always will.

What has me bugged then? People coming out of the woodwork to attend her baptism day when those people seldom have anything to do with our family on any other day. We have extended invitations to these people for our dinner parties, our camping trips, and other celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and the same people are always conspicuously absent from any of our events (and not once have we been invited to do anything with them). We know who won't show up to something we have planned, but most of the time we extend the invitations anyway. Over the years we have come to accept that maybe we aren't up to their standards or maybe they just don't want to have any sort of friendship with us. Needless to say, certain family gatherings always have a chill to them. The fact that these people are now falling all over themselves to attend Carley's baptism adds evidence to the theory that we don't measure up for them. I should be glad that they are supporting my brave girl, but instead we had a conversation tonight about how strange it is that certain people decide to be supportive now.  Strange and fake.

I wish I had the courage to tell them that my family is strong without their support. We have managed as an island of our own creation - our family of eight, with plenty of support for one another and none of us questions the loyalty of any of the others. We show up. We support each other through good times and bad times. We celebrate successes both large and small. And we make sure to let our family members know how loved and appreciated they are. Every day.

Showing up for a church event once does not make you supportive. It makes you fake. We see through the charade and we know that the motive is to be seen by others at the event. If you want to support my family, then do so every day. Support Ashley when she has open heart surgery. Support Madi when she has surgery on her foot. Support Emily's graduation or many artistic talents. Support Abby and Linzie for being named students of the year or show up for one of their concerts and witness their beautiful musical talent. Support Carley for being fantastic and making life altering choices on her own for the past year that had nothing to do with church. What? Too busy to support these other things? Or is it because none of those things involved your church?

I'm sure they will all be there next week, dressed in their fine clothes, congratulating each other for being supportive and gushing about how wonderful Carley is. Yes, she is wonderful. And so are her sisters. It's a shame those fake friends couldn't be bothered to find that out for themselves.

Hanging In There

I was just thinking how I spend all my time mothering, coaching and encouraging my little women. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them or help them with, and I certainly would not let them feel the weight of the world alone. It's ironic that I was allowing myself to feel alone and overwhelmed. I did not mean to let that happen.

I'm still working through hard things. I'm still overwhelmed and exhausted, beaten down and lost. I still fear the big changes happening around me and some days I wish I could just hide away from it all. But my favorite person in the world sent me a reminder this week just when I needed it most. I will hang on to that encouragement and I know that these trials will pass. I won't be the same person at the conclusion of these events, but I can hope to be stronger for enduring them.  I will be okay.

Love you, Dottie. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are so special to me!

Another Day, Another Surgery

Madi is holding up like a champ! Yesterday she had surgery to remove what we think was a cyst from her foot. The surgeon originally thought it was multiple cysts or tumors, but once they were in the operating room they discovered it was one giant cyst and they had to adjust their plan accordingly. Needless to say, my girl ended up with a much larger incision than we bargained for, and she's already sick of being limited to the couch, but I'm proud of how she is handling her discomfort so far. The doctor told me she woke up from the sedation smiling and she's managed to keep her good mood ever since.

I wish I could say the same about me. If a surgeon could cure me of this ongoing issue then I'd be running for the OR. Instead, I keep waiting for this gloomy funk to disappear. I want to find a way to be ok with the stresses in my life. I just can't seem to get there and I can see it is taking a toll on everyone around me. Tonight I secluded myself in my bedroom for some alone time because I couldn't smooth my rough edges enough. If I was a clam, I'd be busy making one hell of a pearl from this constant irritation. 

I need something... I just can't figure out what it is.

Hoping For A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Allow me to finally clarify what that last post was about. I was struggling with the huge decision of either going to Atlanta when Ashley had her open heart surgery, or staying out of the ex wife drama zone and staying home with my girls. In the end, I went.. but it wasn't without drama before leaving, and it wasn't without drama once I was there. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I'm not sure any of us would handle it the same way again.

Hubby waits by her bedside in ICU, hours after her open heart surgery.

Day three, this girl walked out of the hospital to head home!

But the good news is that Ashley is doing fantastic! You wouldn't guess this girl had her chest opened a matter of weeks ago. She was showing us her tough side hours after surgery and she continues to amaze us every day. I do wish her mother wouldn't be so neurotic though. There were moments when Hubby and I couldn't believe the things she would say or do. Poor Ashley! She has to live with constant paranoia created by her own mother. I wish it could be different, but I have no say in it and that is one of the major reasons for the huge struggle I have where Ashley is concerned.



Now it's time for the other hard part. The work grind to pay back the time and money I used to go to Atlanta. It's tough! Even my girls are making sacrifices as we stay home instead of doing fun summer things, and I give up weekend after weekend to pay back work hours. It's not fun for anyone. 

You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" We found out last week that Madi has to have surgery to remove cysts or tumors from her foot. We won't know what they are exactly until after the lab results come back following the surgery.  I know what you're thinking.....Really?? Can't we just get a friggin' break? Nope. I swear if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.  Madi's surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I gave up more weekends to make sure I can be there with her. I sure hope she lets me know what time the surgery is though because I had a harsh reality check when the surgical center refused to talk to me because she is nineteen. *SLAP!*  That's what that particular phone call felt like.  My girl graduates and I get a little teary but I handle it ok.. she is out late working or hanging out with friends and I find a way to manage.. but some desk nurse says she can't talk to me about my own daughter???  This, folks, is where I fell to pieces! She really is an adult and I really need to step back. How to make that transition though is another matter entirely. She still lives in my house so I'm still the parent. Right?

Carley is also making BIG HUGE FREAKING DECISIONS all on her own and I have to swallow that panic about 200 times every day. It's not my news to reveal though so I can't go into detail here. I never envisioned this path for her, having left that particular path behind in my own life a long time ago,  but I support her choosing her own way and I hope for the strength to be ok with it in my own head.

A therapist would have a field day with me.. not even kidding!

If you see me and my eyes are all watery and my nose is red, don't worry. Life is kicking my butt right now but Hubby tells me it has to get better sometime in the future. And I've got my Littles here taking excellent care of their teary mother as well.

It's good to cry, right? 

Mental and Emotional Battles

This is a tough week for our family and it comes on the heels of such a wonderful, momentous week. Life has a sense of humor, doesn't it?  One week we are giddy and celebrating and now we find ourselves quiet, withdrawn and very serious as we prepare for an event that is completely out of our control - one that we are 99.9% certain will have a good outcome... but that tiny percent sure wreaks havoc on our fragile emotions.

Complicating matters is my own heart/head combination. My heart knows what is right but my head is confused and afraid and it tells me that there is more than one right answer... but which one is more right? I don't know.. and the mental tug-of-war is making me more than a little difficult to live with, I'm sure.

How exactly does a person make decisions between two situations that are both right, depending on how you look at it, but each choice also has difficult, painful consequences at the same time?

Tough. And I still don't have the answer.

(Please keep our girl, Ashley, in your thoughts and prayers this week. I'm sure it will all turn out well, but extra prayers are always appreciated.)