We Love More, Hope More, And Pray More...

I'm incredibly weepy lately. Work stress, lack of sleep, hormones out of whack.. whatevs. It doesn't take much to make me cry. So after days and days of living on the edge, this morning at work I got a series of text messages from my Carley that got me all sniffily at work, and for the rest of the day I found myself pondering the relationship between parent and child, which lead to a series of other events that kept me teary eyed pretty much all day.

I felt really bad that I missed her first text of the day. I was busy booking flights for Delta passengers! 

Carley is my sweet, stubborn, fiercely brave girl that can completely undo me with a smile.. or a quivering lip. She's very much like me in that she will let you know how she's feeling, even if she can't tell you exactly why she's feeling that way at the moment. I adore the fact that although she's nearly 20 years old, she's still not too old to snuggle with her mama.

Earlier this morning I had a conversation with my fav sister, Missy about a blog that we have been reading recently. The blog documents one family's incredibly short, incredibly painful, and shattering experience with childhood cancer. You can find that blog here: Rockstar Ronan. Between work calls today, I repeatedly found myself drawn to Ronan's blog. It wasn't long before my chest burned with heartache and I felt the tears swelling past the rims of my eyes. Bad idea to read that raw stuff at work. But I was captivated. Absolutely spellbound. I wanted to know more about Ronan's mom and how she handled this exquisitely private pain of losing her youngest child to cancer. I sent Missy a text about the blog... she told me she had made the mistake of reading it while working also. I'm telling you, once you start down that path, it's difficult to stop.

I told Missy through our texting how I hate cancer and how grateful I am for Lillie's super strong personality that helped her fight through Leukemia when she was such a tiny little girlie. I don't know why our family was spared the ultimate loss that so many of my friends have not been so lucky to escape. I can't believe that there is a God that spares some children while fracturing other families beyond repair. No mother deserves that kind of pain.

After sharing some comforting text messages with Missy, in which we both openly and lovingly admired each other, I kept wondering what it is that defines a good mother. Those thoughts are still winding around my mind this evening...

The common theme between the text messages Carley sent me, Missy's little girl battling cancer, and Ronan's mom caring for her precious boy as he fought bravely, is that we teach, coach and then show our children that we will always be right by their side as they face the challenges in their lives. Whether it's me teaching my girls that kindness matters and that no one ever regretted working hard to achieve their goals, or Missy successfully juggling home-work-family and her precious baby fighting cancer, or Ronan's mom who loved enough for a lifetime in four short years and then tenderly bathed her lifeless little boy one last time before he was taken away, kissing his eyes, his lips and cheeks over and over... whispering in his ear how loved he is and bravely sharing his story years later. Even after all of that, being a mom is still so much more. We love more, pray more, and hope more than these precious kids will ever understand... at least until they become parents themselves.

In the end, we all want our children to grow up to be happy, successful adults. I'm grateful for parents like Ronan's mom who may not get to see their own child(ren) grow up, but through their courage, wisdom and love, end up reaching thousands, if not millions of children all over the world. We love our children with every part of our souls... we are moms and that's a pretty cool club to belong to.


Side Note:

Taylor Swift also read the blog written by Ronan's mom and she was so moved by this family that she wrote a song for Ronan. The words of the song were taken directly from the blog and because of that, Taylor listed Ronan's mom as co-writer of the song. All proceeds from the sale of "Ronan" go directly to the Stand Up To Cancer foundation. Pretty darn cool! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go purchase my own copy. 

My Crazy Life

Fall is beginning all around me and I am easily reminded of why this is my favorite season. Last week, Hubby and I went to pick tomatoes at a local farm so I could start my fall tomato projects. It didn't take long before those bushels of tomatoes were turned into wonderful smells of chili sauce and spaghetti sauce cooking on my stove, to be safely tucked into glass jars that will line my pantry shelves for the winter. I still have a box of tomatoes sitting on my table, waiting for me to skin, slice and can them... I just ran out of steam today!

I'm running at least a week behind on my tomato projects because I was surprised with a work trip to Cincinnati. What a shock it was to be given the honor to represent my workplace on such an amazing trip! I'll admit that I was nervous to go, but I ended up in complete disbelief that I was being paid for so much rowdy fun with great coworkers I had met for the first time only days prior to the departing flight. We walked all over that city, exploring the sights and we may even have stalked a few famous football players at our hotel. (Drew Brees was adorably sweet even though I clearly didn't know his name while I was talking to him!)

The view from my hotel room on the 20th floor. 

It was wonderful to have new experiences and to get paid for going on a mini vacation, but I was happy to get home to my cute family who acted like they kind of missed me while I was gone. :) We laughed into the early hours of the morning as I recounted my Cincinnati adventures and I fell asleep snuggled up with my Hubby. Life is so good! 

My girlies are all back in school now. I realized that I actually have four sophomores this year! The oldest twins are college sophomores and the youngest twins are high school sophomores. Crazy! Although keeping up with them is still difficult to do, I am so proud of them every single day! They know that we have high expectations for them and they never disappoint.

My youngest twins, Linzie and Abby on their first day of high school. 

 

I might be exhausted and scatterbrained most days due to the demands of this busy busy family, but I wouldn't change it for anything! I'm married to a sweet guy who rocks the handyman skills, my girls are all successful over-achievers, and I have a stable job that pays me to do fun things. I'm so blessed!

Random photos taken recently:

A torrential rainstorm unleashed on us one evening. The rain was coming from every direction and we absolutely loved it!

After the rain, we were treated to a spectacular rainbow over our neighbor's house!

Two of my college students... Carley and Emily... mugging for the camera. I'm not sure they realize how beautiful they are!

Carley and Madi mugging for the camera while limiting Linzie to the bottom corner of the picture. Gotta love sisters!

I miss my blogging days.. I really do! I keep thinking if only I had more time.  I'm hoping to change that soon though... my new shift starts on October 1st and I will be working four ten-hour days which means three days off! I'm also hoping to sneak in a trip to Boston once I get the new routine ironed out! Mom and I can't wait to give Dottie a hug in person! Fingers crossed that I can make that happen in October!

Happy Birthday Aunt Dottie!

Dottie,

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you right this very minute (as I so often do). If you only knew how often we talk about you and if you could only see the smiles on our faces as we share memories and long for our next visit with you. We are so blessed to have you in our lives!

I'm certain you have a lot of wonderful things in store for you today so enjoy it to the fullest! You are a beautiful, wonderful lady and we love you oh so much! Have the happiest of birthdays!

Sending you all our love,
Bill, Nik and the six little girlies. 

Every Little Ting Is Gonna Be Alright

I think this is the first time I've turned my computer on in over a week. It's been that crazy in my life lately.  Overall I think things are starting to smooth out though and that's a huge relief. True, we have had some growing pains in our family recently, and the process involved some tears and several lengthy discussions, but my family always comes out of any adversity stronger than ever before.

Here are some things I've learned, or revisited recently:

• Letting go of being primary caretaker for my girls is a tough transition, but they are soaring! These beautiful girls have learned all the right lessons and I'm so proud of the way they steer their own lives. 
• Just because people assume I'm falling apart doesn't mean I have to make it true for them. 
• Sleep is very, very important! 
• Having a cell phone in my pocket while chasing a drifting waverunner off shore into waist deep water is not good for the phone. Submersion = loss of phone. 
• Putting waterlogged cell phone in a container of rice overnight is a lot like Dr. Frankenstein raising the dead.  It's ALIVE! 
• Karma is real. I've always known this, but it's nice to see that what goes around truly does come around, even if it takes years to do so. All the more reason to always do the right thing. 
• Having a sister that I can call and have a long, emotional conversation with is a lifesaver. 
• That saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a bunch of crap! Words do hurt. Always choose your words carefully. 
• Having a day of outdoor fun is nice, but having a day of doing nothing is sometimes even better. 
• Gardening really does soothe the soul. 
• Cooking also eases my tension. I've been too tired to do a lot of creative cooking lately and I really miss it. 
• Taking the time to play games with my girls, even when I'm exhausted, is something I will never regret. I'm still thinking about a recent night of games with grins and giggles.. I doubt I'd still be thinking about going to bed early that night. 
• Sometimes people appear in your life and it feels as though they were meant to be there all along. Having friends that are more like family is precious.
• Nothing is more important than family. Nothing. 

A day of boating with my precious family. That's me, Carley and little Ty on the bow of the boat, Bill is driving and that's our dear friend, Brian's arm on the left. :) The other girls were sitting in the back of the boat. More pictures to come soon! 

Sunshine and Shadows

"Fake friends are like shadows: always near you at your brightest hour, 

but nowhere to be seen at your darkest moments."

I'm bugged. I realize that my stress level has been extremely high lately (and by that I mean for the last month) but today I broke. I have mentioned that Carley has some big news lately and I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't think it was my place... but Carley and I have been talking about it so I think it's ok to say it here... Carley has chosen to be baptized into the LDS church.  Although I have to face some of my old ghosts because of her choice, I understand that it is indeed her choice, and I love her more than I could love anyone or anything that isn't one of my girls. So Carley has my full support. She always has and she always will.

What has me bugged then? People coming out of the woodwork to attend her baptism day when those people seldom have anything to do with our family on any other day. We have extended invitations to these people for our dinner parties, our camping trips, and other celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and the same people are always conspicuously absent from any of our events (and not once have we been invited to do anything with them). We know who won't show up to something we have planned, but most of the time we extend the invitations anyway. Over the years we have come to accept that maybe we aren't up to their standards or maybe they just don't want to have any sort of friendship with us. Needless to say, certain family gatherings always have a chill to them. The fact that these people are now falling all over themselves to attend Carley's baptism adds evidence to the theory that we don't measure up for them. I should be glad that they are supporting my brave girl, but instead we had a conversation tonight about how strange it is that certain people decide to be supportive now.  Strange and fake.

I wish I had the courage to tell them that my family is strong without their support. We have managed as an island of our own creation - our family of eight, with plenty of support for one another and none of us questions the loyalty of any of the others. We show up. We support each other through good times and bad times. We celebrate successes both large and small. And we make sure to let our family members know how loved and appreciated they are. Every day.

Showing up for a church event once does not make you supportive. It makes you fake. We see through the charade and we know that the motive is to be seen by others at the event. If you want to support my family, then do so every day. Support Ashley when she has open heart surgery. Support Madi when she has surgery on her foot. Support Emily's graduation or many artistic talents. Support Abby and Linzie for being named students of the year or show up for one of their concerts and witness their beautiful musical talent. Support Carley for being fantastic and making life altering choices on her own for the past year that had nothing to do with church. What? Too busy to support these other things? Or is it because none of those things involved your church?

I'm sure they will all be there next week, dressed in their fine clothes, congratulating each other for being supportive and gushing about how wonderful Carley is. Yes, she is wonderful. And so are her sisters. It's a shame those fake friends couldn't be bothered to find that out for themselves.

Hanging In There

I was just thinking how I spend all my time mothering, coaching and encouraging my little women. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them or help them with, and I certainly would not let them feel the weight of the world alone. It's ironic that I was allowing myself to feel alone and overwhelmed. I did not mean to let that happen.

I'm still working through hard things. I'm still overwhelmed and exhausted, beaten down and lost. I still fear the big changes happening around me and some days I wish I could just hide away from it all. But my favorite person in the world sent me a reminder this week just when I needed it most. I will hang on to that encouragement and I know that these trials will pass. I won't be the same person at the conclusion of these events, but I can hope to be stronger for enduring them.  I will be okay.

Love you, Dottie. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are so special to me!