Life's About Changing..

This summer is unlike any summer my family has ever experienced. We go through the motions by going boating, barbecuing, and gardening. But throughout it all, there's a constant, heartbreaking pain that is sometimes achingly visible on our faces... we try to hold it in, and we support each other as much as we possibly can, but what comfort could ever be offered when we are facing the devastating loss of someone who means the world to each and every one of us?

There's a country song by Patty Loveless that is playing an endless loop in my head these days... "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye?" That song speaks of loss and living in spite of the pain and although the words cannot offer comfort, they offer something else.. the knowledge that through this loss, we are not alone. The pain may be unbearable now, but someday it will be something else.. something not as harsh to face.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help my mom cope with the impending loss of her own mother... but there are no words. When she cries, I can only cry with her and tell her how precious this time is. Not everyone gets the chance to say goodbye.. the challenge is being brave enough to take the opportunity to do so. I know my mom's heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces with each passing day and I would give anything to be able to ease her pain. When Mom cries,it is only after holding it in for so long that it simply overwhelms her. I am sure she is sheltering me from the worst pain.. the way she has always done.

Admittedly, I am not good when it comes to goodbyes. I was so afraid to see my grandmother the way she is now. I was terrified that I would start to cry and not be able to stop.. something that I did not want to taint her remaining time with and I was worried that seeing her frail like this would be the only way I would ever remember her. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Grandma to see everyone she loves in constant tears as they come to visit her. How brave she must be!

I took all six girls with me for a visit to Grandma's house, something I knew we had to do in spite of my fears. I did not want to say goodbye.. It is almost as if I was delaying the visit in hopes of keeping her alive longer simply because I was refusing to say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life.
As we sat there, surrounded by so much peace and loving family members, I could only be grateful for the wonderful legacy my grandparents worked so hard to establish. Grandma Robinson is loved by everyone, and searching my memory, I can honestly say that I have never heard her yell, nor have I witnessed an unkind act toward anyone. We spent hours in happy conversation.. laughing, loving and aching for more time. My grandmother is a graceful soul that is rare and beautiful. Her music will long be remembered and her memory forever cherished. I am so grateful that I had the chance to show her how much we love her. I hope she will carry that with her forever, as I am sure we will forever carry her memory with us.

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final words, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Fun in the Sun

One of the things we love most about the summer months is getting out on the water in our boat. Yesterday we took advantage of the break in the seemingly permanent rain we have had lately to play at Pine View Reservoir. What an adventure we had! We may be sunburned and weary today, but every second we had outdoors yesterday was well worth it! We would all do it again in a heartbeat!
We were a little worried when we arrived at the dam because the Durango's temperature gauge was reading in the 60's. I happened to be talking to my good friend, Joanna, at the time and she commented, "I hope you brought your wetsuits!" No kidding.. I was thinking we were in for a miserable day because no one was going to want to get in that freezing cold water.



After successfully launching our boat, everyone began the task of settling in so that we could leave the dock for the open water... that's when we noticed that a boat we had first encountered in the canyon on the way up had been on the launch ramp for a long time... it appeared that their boat would not start. Ever the hero, Bill stepped in to save the day. He approached the family and offered to help jump start their boat. I could not contain my smile.. I am so proud of my guy! Bill expertly maneuvered our boat alongside the other boat so that we could jump start their battery. It took a while, but Bill never gave up and once again I was extremely proud as the other family thanked Bill over and over again for saving their day. That's just the kind of guy Bill is.. he is always first on the scene to offer his help to anyone who needs it - just one of the many reasons why I love him so much!



Now we were off! We had been sitting at the launch ramp so long that the cool breeze was heavenly! I also noticed how amazingly sweet the air smelled, and I looked around until I spotted the Russian Olive trees scattered along the shoreline. Blue sky, glassy water and sweet air.. Could it get any better than that? We sped along for a while, enjoying the power of our boat and taking in our surroundings.. I couldn't help but notice that everyone was smiling. Bill found us a cozy cove where we dropped anchor to let the girls swim. We stayed there for about an hour - swimming, playing cards, listening to music and laughing. It was great to be on our own time and have the freedom to hang out as long as we wanted!








A few years ago I bought a three-seat inflatable Airhead tube to pull behind the boat. It has been a favorite boating activity for the girls since day one! As we cruised along the water, the girls could be heard laughing and squealing as Bill turned corners so tightly that the tube would slide sideways at high speed. I actually summoned the courage to try it out once years ago... and it was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time but boy was I sore the next day! Our girls are fearless though, and even when they would lose their grip and get ejected out of the tube, they would get right back in and beg for more. Ahh to be young again!






We headed back to the swimming cove for another break and Bill and I talked about how much fun we were having. None of us could believe that it was after 3pm! The day was flying by! We enjoyed people-watching in that cove where multiple groups of as many as 7 boats at a time would tie up and form floating party barges. The girls were swimming and playing with the "noodles" that we bought years ago at a dirt cheap price, but they have by far been one of the favorite flotation devices we have ever had. There is no limit to the creative ways that the noodles can be used. The girls stand on them, sit on them, and even turn them into air-powered fountains!






I was perfectly content to remain on board the boat and photograph all of the water antics going on around me. I had moved to the back deck of the boat and was considering dipping my toes in the frigid water when Bill suddenly streaked past me and dove into the water head first! I was shocked because my guy hates to be cold. I think he gets this from his Canadian-born father who moved to Hawaii where the year-round temperature was much more tolerable. I laughed in surprise and snapped pictures of him grinning from the water. When he swam toward the boat, I thought he was ready to get out, so I carefully stowed the camera away from the water and as he reached up his hand for help getting on the deck, I didn't hesitate to offer him my hand to help. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! In a split second, I saw that wicked twinkle in his eye and KNEW that I was going in the water against my will. He tugged on my arm fast and hard... and the next thing I knew, I was swimming for the surface! I remember sputtering and coughing out the water and still I couldn't believe he had suckered me. I was fully clothed, drenched, and surrounded by my giggling family members. Oh well, I was already wet... so I decided I might as well stay in the water and play with the family. The truth is that I had a lot of fun.. and I am not sorry that the man I trust most in the whole world yanked me headfirst into the water. Looking back, all I can do is laugh. We had so much fun!








It was 6pm by the time we got the knee board out.. Emily and Ashley are such experts at knee boarding! I will never be immune to the heart-stopping fear I feel when I see them wipe out, but I do love to watch them glide along behind the boat.. They had to have been freezing cold, but they seemed to enjoy it anyway.




We took one last, lazy trip all the way down to the dam and back before heading in to the dock. Emily happened to be in the tube for that entire trip, and only later did I find out that she was lonely and sad back there. I felt so bad! We asked her why she didn't reel herself in or signal that she wanted to be on the boat, but she couldn't come up with a reason either.. LOL poor girl! We love you Emily!





It was 8pm by the time we got the boat on the trailer and began wiping it down. When it comes to drying the boat, no one has our crew beat! We all pitched in and had our beauty all shiny in no time! The pictures of the kids in the car say it all... It had been a long, exhausting and completely fun day! The sun was setting and we were finally headed home. What a perfect summer day on the water!

Remembering to Breathe

I didn't rehearse what I would say or how I would react to the phone call about one of my girls being in a car accident. How can any parent plan for such a thing? I like to think that I patiently taught them to drive and helped them acquire the skills that would keep them safe on the roads...after all, they will always be my babies - completely intertwined in my heart and precious to me. I cannot imagine my life without any one of my girls in it. I think if that were to happen, my heart would stop beating. So yesterday, when that call came, I was not surprised that the world around me dissolved - the people, the floor under my feet.. all of it just gone - except for the sound of her voice, and suddenly everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.. including my heart. I remember her sobbing and screaming at the same time. I remember her choked off apology and the building hysteria in her voice as she pleaded, "Mom,I need help. I am so sorry."

And just then, I forgot to breathe.

Madison was only a few blocks away, on one of the busiest streets in town - in rush hour traffic. I could not get to her fast enough. I am certain it was only minutes, but I clearly remember thinking that I was either going to drive down the middle lane with my hazard lights on, or get out and start running. Why couldn't the cars in front of me move?? Oh yeah. There's an accident up there. My little girl is up there and she needs me.

Breathe....

It did not matter to me that it was raining and that I had dragged my husband out the door with me.. he was wearing a tank top and shorts, had no jacket and the only reason he even had shoes was because Carley shoved a pair of flip flops through the Durango window as I was backing out of the garage. Nothing mattered except getting to Madie, as quickly as possible.

When we arrived at the accident scene, the traffic stopped to let us run across the street from the gas station where I had parked. Could they see a mother's desperation in my eyes? I grabbed Madie and hugged her as soon as I saw her. I remember her pulling away at first, almost as if she was expecting anger instead of relief. The car was badly damaged and partially resting on the sidewalk. There was oil and antifreeze leaking onto the street. At least it was the car's blood on that street and not my daughter's. Even as I felt the crunch of glass underfoot, I couldn't fully comprehend the fact that the window was missing. She was hit with such tremendous force that we think her head was thrown into the driver's door window. I took a deep breath and carefully picked the shattered glass out of her hair and eyelashes while scanning her for other injuries. She had a seat belt burn on her neck, her upper arm was scratched and bleeding and her entire left arm was an angry shade of red. She was shaking terribly, but she was breathing.

As we waited for the police to arrive, I remember trying to get Madie to sit on a retaining wall along the sidewalk. She was clearly in shock and was not responding to directions. I had to be firm with her and I felt bad about it because I could see that she took it personally. She thought I was mad at her. We carried out the business of filling out the report, signing for a citation and making plans to tow the wreckage home. The wind was whipping a frenzy around us and the rain had picked up in earnest but I barely noticed. I was trying to sort through a mix of emotion and my mind began to wander to hectic thoughts of "What are we going to do now?" As the rain soaked me through the missing window, I was helpless to stop the tears of sorrow and relief from mixing with the cold rain as I piloted the wrecked car home, led on by my husband and hero...and a long length of yellow tow strap.

Now breathe...

Today, I woke up early to start the business of making calls to the insurance agency and figuring out a future plan. Madie hurts both physically and emotionally, but I tell her to be thankful that she hurts.. because it means she's alive. We had a close call yesterday. I wish I could rewind the day and make it all better for her, but hopefully I can help her learn from this accident so that she will be a better, safer driver in the future. As a mom, it is hard for me to accept that I cannot keep my girls safe 100% of the time. I have to come to terms with the fact that there is a limit to what I can teach them and after that, I have to be ok with letting them learn some hard lessons on their own. Today we are simply grateful. Cars can be replaced, daughters cannot. I know that from now on, every time they drive away, I will have to remind myself to breathe.

Inspiration

What inspires you? The people in my daily life are all inspired by different things such as: Classic Celicas, light and color, music and performance art, literature, friendship, laughter, and journalism. I am inspired by my family and all of the things that ignite their individual passions. We are truly a diverse group and that makes us strong. We all share a curiosity for life and everything in it and that makes me proud. I know that there will be lifetimes of rich experiences for each of us along the way as long as we are willing to experience new things and learn from the world around us.

Saturday I woke up blissfully happy because it was the first weekend in a long time that I didn't have to drive kids all over the state and I was perfectly content. I had great plans to work in my gardens and spend the day soaking up the sun as I enjoyed the fresh air. So I was a little dismayed when my husband called me and told me that he just could not bear the thought of missing the first day of the air show at HAFB and he hoped that I would share his enthusiasm and leap at the chance to go with him. There was no leaping. However, I did suck it up and agree to go because although airplanes are not my thing, Bill definitely is and I would not pass up an opportunity to spend an afternoon with him.

The short version of the day's events would be that traffic sucked, the crowds sucked, standing on the tarmac while bending backwards to get a visual of the planes performing stunts overhead..sucked. Was the misery worth it? Maybe. It took us 90 minutes to get there, 2 hours to get home (and we live less than 4 miles from the base!) and one of those final hours was spent standing on an overcrowded bus that was not moving at all. I was overjoyed when the bus driver said frankly, "Folks, I can promise you that it will be much faster if you get off the bus and walk to your vehicles. The South Gate is about a half mile from here." I could not depart that bus fast enough! We were all tired and the grand plan of having a BBQ was abandoned for simply doing whatever was fastest once we got home.

Now before anyone starts thinking that everything about that afternoon was negative, let me tell you that the Thunderbirds were OH SO VERY COOL! Something about seeing those ultra shiny, red white and blue planes screaming past us while Neil Diamond's America plays over the loudspeakers gave me chills. And then they queued up the Top Gun music and I felt so patriotic that I almost wanted to enlist. Between the pilot's stunts, I noticed that everyone around us had the same grin and everyone held their cameras ready so they would not miss a single fabulous picture opportunity. At one point, four planes flew past us in such a tight formation that we were astonished and everyone turned to watch them fly away... that was the exact moment when the solo pilot, with full afterburners blazing, came from behind and scared the bejeezus out of all the spectators who had their backs turned. I remember digging my nails into Bill's shoulders and screaming in his ear as I ducked to avoid the noise.. but Bill will tell you that he heard nothing. The Thunderbird jet was so loud that not even my death screams could be heard over the roar. I was not the only one who was terrified and then laughing hysterically.. the whole crowd was laughing because we had all been duped and it was great fun! After an hour of their high speed, breathtaking aerial stunts, the Thunderbirds finished with a stunt that created a huge firework visual out of smoke, to the music of God Bless America. It was inspirational, to say the very least.

Because of the airshow on Saturday, and the torrential downpour on Sunday, I didn't get to work in the gardens at all and I miss it. Hopefully my blog next weekend will be all about how the girls and I got too much sun on our skin and dirt under our nails but had a great time nonetheless... in the gardens!

Shiny, Happy People

The last few days have been wonderful, horrible, stressful, and amazingly happy. Yes, I know how contradictory that is. But it would be a shame to let the bad moments cast too much gloom over the truly beautiful moments with my shiny, happy people. I am so lucky to be surrounded by a family that cares about one another, that strives every day to make sure others around them are taken care of and share the love that is in their hearts. My children make me feel successful. They have all grown up to be wonderful young ladies and for that I can be proud. My Little Women, thank you for your loving hearts and your great examples.


The weekend, as usual, was bustling with activity. Saturday was my birthday so naturally I had to be up bright and early to take Carley to her all day Key Club training meeting. Even though I could have stayed in bed longer to fully appreciate the luxury of sleeping in, I now look back on that drive with Carley and I treasure it. We had been talking about the previous blog and how fun it is to make lists of things that make us happy as we drove East toward Highway 89. It was a beautiful morning and as the sun just peeked over the mountains it bathed everything in a rich, golden glow. In the near distance there was a field that was being generously watered by giant farm sprinklers and something about the way the golden light filtered through the sprinkler mist took my breath away. Carley and I decided then that we should add sprinklers to our list of things that make us happy.

Saturday progressed into a very fun, happy day for me. After dropping Carley off, my other girls super cleaned the house so I didn't have to worry about anything, and later that morning my dear friend, Jake, brought his hilarious team of philanthropists over to my house to film as they planted an apple tree. How cool is that? I was given a Red Delicious apple tree for my birthday from TeamZorilla.com. Please look them up - they are amazing people whom I admire very much!

Later that day, I was happy to have my girls with me as we shopped for groceries, spent an hour browsing movies at Hollywood Video, and came home to slow cook a pot of Arroz con Pollo for dinner. In the late afternoon we spent time on the garden swing happily admiring all the new additions to our "whimsical" sitting garden

(Thanks sweetie for the birthday money to cram even more flowers in that garden!)

We finished off the evening with a visit from my mom, homemade ice cream, German chocolate cake and a thriller movie that kept us on the edge of our seats! The day just had that "ahhhh" feeling to it. It was exactly what I needed.

I had to shoulder a lot of disappointment on Sunday, beginning with a phone call from my mom who told me that my grandma was not well enough for us to visit that day. My grandmother is in poor health and we don't know how much longer we will have her with us - certainly not more than 2 months. Even now, the thought of losing her makes me feel as if my heart is in a vise and the pain of it brings tears instantly. I had really hoped to take my family to visit her on Sunday but I understand the need to give her time to recover between family visitors. If she read this blog I would tell her how she has always been a cherished part of my life. I am so grateful that I have memories of the Boston trip with her.. I will carry those memories with me for the rest of my life and that way she will always be with me. We love you Grandma Robinson!

Although I easily could have spent the rest of the day in tears, I decided to turn it into something positive so I told Carley and Madie to get the car keys so we could go do some final driving lessons before their big test (which is today.. right this second in fact!). How can I adequately describe how wonderful it was to take a drive up the canyon with my two oldest daughters on a beautiful Spring/Summer day? It cannot be done. I am so proud of these girls! There were no worried moments, no gripping of the handle above the window or pushing the imaginary brake pedal through the floor.


The girls drove expertly and we absolutely had to pull over by Pine View Dam so that we could appreciate the splendor stretched out before us... boats speeding over glassy waters, birds skimming the blue-green surface, and the sweetest breeze encouraging the trees to dance with joy as Summer approached. Easily the hardest part about that drive was getting back in the car to head home! We could have stayed at the dam all day and we hope that we can go back with our boat and camping gear very soon!

The fun thing about the May turning to June is that two days following my birthday, Bill gets a turn to have his birthday. :) So yesterday I left work 30 min early to rush home so that I could make him chicken enchiladas (his request) and have time to make cookies N cream fudge for the girls' driving instructor as well. It was a mad rush but the evening was so worth it! Bill's dad came over for dinner, cake and ice cream, and we had a wonderful time sitting out on the deck as the girls entertained us with violin and viola serenades and silly dances laced with many giggles. Again, it was picture perfect and those memories will last forever.








There were many moments this weekend when I looked into the faces of the people I love and I am humbled that I get to be surrounded by such loving, beautiful people. My girls and my husband truly know the meaning of family.. more so than any people I have ever known. I must have done something great to deserve them.