Life's About Changing..

This summer is unlike any summer my family has ever experienced. We go through the motions by going boating, barbecuing, and gardening. But throughout it all, there's a constant, heartbreaking pain that is sometimes achingly visible on our faces... we try to hold it in, and we support each other as much as we possibly can, but what comfort could ever be offered when we are facing the devastating loss of someone who means the world to each and every one of us?

There's a country song by Patty Loveless that is playing an endless loop in my head these days... "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye?" That song speaks of loss and living in spite of the pain and although the words cannot offer comfort, they offer something else.. the knowledge that through this loss, we are not alone. The pain may be unbearable now, but someday it will be something else.. something not as harsh to face.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help my mom cope with the impending loss of her own mother... but there are no words. When she cries, I can only cry with her and tell her how precious this time is. Not everyone gets the chance to say goodbye.. the challenge is being brave enough to take the opportunity to do so. I know my mom's heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces with each passing day and I would give anything to be able to ease her pain. When Mom cries,it is only after holding it in for so long that it simply overwhelms her. I am sure she is sheltering me from the worst pain.. the way she has always done.

Admittedly, I am not good when it comes to goodbyes. I was so afraid to see my grandmother the way she is now. I was terrified that I would start to cry and not be able to stop.. something that I did not want to taint her remaining time with and I was worried that seeing her frail like this would be the only way I would ever remember her. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Grandma to see everyone she loves in constant tears as they come to visit her. How brave she must be!

I took all six girls with me for a visit to Grandma's house, something I knew we had to do in spite of my fears. I did not want to say goodbye.. It is almost as if I was delaying the visit in hopes of keeping her alive longer simply because I was refusing to say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life.
As we sat there, surrounded by so much peace and loving family members, I could only be grateful for the wonderful legacy my grandparents worked so hard to establish. Grandma Robinson is loved by everyone, and searching my memory, I can honestly say that I have never heard her yell, nor have I witnessed an unkind act toward anyone. We spent hours in happy conversation.. laughing, loving and aching for more time. My grandmother is a graceful soul that is rare and beautiful. Her music will long be remembered and her memory forever cherished. I am so grateful that I had the chance to show her how much we love her. I hope she will carry that with her forever, as I am sure we will forever carry her memory with us.

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final words, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?