I was just thinking how I spend all my time mothering, coaching and encouraging my little women. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them or help them with, and I certainly would not let them feel the weight of the world alone. It's ironic that I was allowing myself to feel alone and overwhelmed. I did not mean to let that happen.
I'm still working through hard things. I'm still overwhelmed and exhausted, beaten down and lost. I still fear the big changes happening around me and some days I wish I could just hide away from it all. But my favorite person in the world sent me a reminder this week just when I needed it most. I will hang on to that encouragement and I know that these trials will pass. I won't be the same person at the conclusion of these events, but I can hope to be stronger for enduring them. I will be okay.
Love you, Dottie. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are so special to me!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Another Day, Another Surgery
Madi is holding up like a champ! Yesterday she had surgery to remove what we think was a cyst from her foot. The surgeon originally thought it was multiple cysts or tumors, but once they were in the operating room they discovered it was one giant cyst and they had to adjust their plan accordingly. Needless to say, my girl ended up with a much larger incision than we bargained for, and she's already sick of being limited to the couch, but I'm proud of how she is handling her discomfort so far. The doctor told me she woke up from the sedation smiling and she's managed to keep her good mood ever since.
I wish I could say the same about me. If a surgeon could cure me of this ongoing issue then I'd be running for the OR. Instead, I keep waiting for this gloomy funk to disappear. I want to find a way to be ok with the stresses in my life. I just can't seem to get there and I can see it is taking a toll on everyone around me. Tonight I secluded myself in my bedroom for some alone time because I couldn't smooth my rough edges enough. If I was a clam, I'd be busy making one hell of a pearl from this constant irritation.
I need something... I just can't figure out what it is.
I wish I could say the same about me. If a surgeon could cure me of this ongoing issue then I'd be running for the OR. Instead, I keep waiting for this gloomy funk to disappear. I want to find a way to be ok with the stresses in my life. I just can't seem to get there and I can see it is taking a toll on everyone around me. Tonight I secluded myself in my bedroom for some alone time because I couldn't smooth my rough edges enough. If I was a clam, I'd be busy making one hell of a pearl from this constant irritation.
I need something... I just can't figure out what it is.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Hoping For A Light At The End Of The Tunnel
Allow me to finally clarify what that last post was about. I was struggling with the huge decision of either going to Atlanta when Ashley had her open heart surgery, or staying out of the ex wife drama zone and staying home with my girls. In the end, I went.. but it wasn't without drama before leaving, and it wasn't without drama once I was there. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I'm not sure any of us would handle it the same way again.
But the good news is that Ashley is doing fantastic! You wouldn't guess this girl had her chest opened a matter of weeks ago. She was showing us her tough side hours after surgery and she continues to amaze us every day. I do wish her mother wouldn't be so neurotic though. There were moments when Hubby and I couldn't believe the things she would say or do. Poor Ashley! She has to live with constant paranoia created by her own mother. I wish it could be different, but I have no say in it and that is one of the major reasons for the huge struggle I have where Ashley is concerned.
Now it's time for the other hard part. The work grind to pay back the time and money I used to go to Atlanta. It's tough! Even my girls are making sacrifices as we stay home instead of doing fun summer things, and I give up weekend after weekend to pay back work hours. It's not fun for anyone.
You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" We found out last week that Madi has to have surgery to remove cysts or tumors from her foot. We won't know what they are exactly until after the lab results come back following the surgery. I know what you're thinking.....Really?? Can't we just get a friggin' break? Nope. I swear if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all. Madi's surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I gave up more weekends to make sure I can be there with her. I sure hope she lets me know what time the surgery is though because I had a harsh reality check when the surgical center refused to talk to me because she is nineteen. *SLAP!* That's what that particular phone call felt like. My girl graduates and I get a little teary but I handle it ok.. she is out late working or hanging out with friends and I find a way to manage.. but some desk nurse says she can't talk to me about my own daughter??? This, folks, is where I fell to pieces! She really is an adult and I really need to step back. How to make that transition though is another matter entirely. She still lives in my house so I'm still the parent. Right?
Carley is also making BIG HUGE FREAKING DECISIONS all on her own and I have to swallow that panic about 200 times every day. It's not my news to reveal though so I can't go into detail here. I never envisioned this path for her, having left that particular path behind in my own life a long time ago, but I support her choosing her own way and I hope for the strength to be ok with it in my own head.
A therapist would have a field day with me.. not even kidding!
If you see me and my eyes are all watery and my nose is red, don't worry. Life is kicking my butt right now but Hubby tells me it has to get better sometime in the future. And I've got my Littles here taking excellent care of their teary mother as well.
It's good to cry, right?
 |
| Hubby waits by her bedside in ICU, hours after her open heart surgery. |
 |
| Day three, this girl walked out of the hospital to head home! |
But the good news is that Ashley is doing fantastic! You wouldn't guess this girl had her chest opened a matter of weeks ago. She was showing us her tough side hours after surgery and she continues to amaze us every day. I do wish her mother wouldn't be so neurotic though. There were moments when Hubby and I couldn't believe the things she would say or do. Poor Ashley! She has to live with constant paranoia created by her own mother. I wish it could be different, but I have no say in it and that is one of the major reasons for the huge struggle I have where Ashley is concerned.
Now it's time for the other hard part. The work grind to pay back the time and money I used to go to Atlanta. It's tough! Even my girls are making sacrifices as we stay home instead of doing fun summer things, and I give up weekend after weekend to pay back work hours. It's not fun for anyone.
You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" We found out last week that Madi has to have surgery to remove cysts or tumors from her foot. We won't know what they are exactly until after the lab results come back following the surgery. I know what you're thinking.....Really?? Can't we just get a friggin' break? Nope. I swear if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all. Madi's surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I gave up more weekends to make sure I can be there with her. I sure hope she lets me know what time the surgery is though because I had a harsh reality check when the surgical center refused to talk to me because she is nineteen. *SLAP!* That's what that particular phone call felt like. My girl graduates and I get a little teary but I handle it ok.. she is out late working or hanging out with friends and I find a way to manage.. but some desk nurse says she can't talk to me about my own daughter??? This, folks, is where I fell to pieces! She really is an adult and I really need to step back. How to make that transition though is another matter entirely. She still lives in my house so I'm still the parent. Right?
Carley is also making BIG HUGE FREAKING DECISIONS all on her own and I have to swallow that panic about 200 times every day. It's not my news to reveal though so I can't go into detail here. I never envisioned this path for her, having left that particular path behind in my own life a long time ago, but I support her choosing her own way and I hope for the strength to be ok with it in my own head.
A therapist would have a field day with me.. not even kidding!
If you see me and my eyes are all watery and my nose is red, don't worry. Life is kicking my butt right now but Hubby tells me it has to get better sometime in the future. And I've got my Littles here taking excellent care of their teary mother as well.
It's good to cry, right?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Mental and Emotional Battles
This is a tough week for our family and it comes on the heels of such a wonderful, momentous week. Life has a sense of humor, doesn't it? One week we are giddy and celebrating and now we find ourselves quiet, withdrawn and very serious as we prepare for an event that is completely out of our control - one that we are 99.9% certain will have a good outcome... but that tiny percent sure wreaks havoc on our fragile emotions.
Complicating matters is my own heart/head combination. My heart knows what is right but my head is confused and afraid and it tells me that there is more than one right answer... but which one is more right? I don't know.. and the mental tug-of-war is making me more than a little difficult to live with, I'm sure.
How exactly does a person make decisions between two situations that are both right, depending on how you look at it, but each choice also has difficult, painful consequences at the same time?
Tough. And I still don't have the answer.
(Please keep our girl, Ashley, in your thoughts and prayers this week. I'm sure it will all turn out well, but extra prayers are always appreciated.)
Complicating matters is my own heart/head combination. My heart knows what is right but my head is confused and afraid and it tells me that there is more than one right answer... but which one is more right? I don't know.. and the mental tug-of-war is making me more than a little difficult to live with, I'm sure.
How exactly does a person make decisions between two situations that are both right, depending on how you look at it, but each choice also has difficult, painful consequences at the same time?
Tough. And I still don't have the answer.
(Please keep our girl, Ashley, in your thoughts and prayers this week. I'm sure it will all turn out well, but extra prayers are always appreciated.)
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"My daughters are so many things- Tiny discoverers of butterfly wings, huggers of teddies, sweet sleepyheads, little ones to dream for in bright years ahead... All Special people who right from the start had a place in our family and of course in my heart. And just when I think that I've learned all the things that my dear daughters are and the joy each one brings, a hug or a grin comes with such sweet surprise that love finds me smiling with tears in my eyes!"