Laughter and Tears

Linzie had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, and because it was literally right around the corner from Grandma and Grandpa Robinson's house, we weren't about to miss an opportunity to spend some time with them. When Carley learned of our intentions, she didn't hesitate to tag along. Smart girl. (Sweet, loving and sensitive girl.)

Grandma seemed to be having a better day than the last time we had visited and that made me very happy. However, these visits are always unbearably painful because there is no possibility for a happy ending. It lifted my heart to hear that Grandma's voice was strong, her thoughts lucid and her laughter was music to my ears...and suddenly I found myself wanting to cling to her as a child would, and beg her not to go. But the truly heart-wrenching moment was when my Aunt Dorothy told me that she had something she wanted to share with us, and when she hit the play button on the tape recorder... my Grandma's sweet voice unexpectedly filled the cozy room with a beautiful (and searingly painful) song accompanied by her own gifted fingers expertly playing her piano.

Here’s a little song to help you get along.
It will see you through when you’re feeling blue.
And though it’s not profound when you’re feeling down, so down,
Sing this little tune, and you’ll feel better soon.
You’re not alone, even when you’re feeling on your own,
You are loved in ways that can’t be shown; your needs are known;
You’re not alone.
And when you cry, you’re just letting go of heartache deep inside,
And tomorrow there’ll be sunshine and sky and love close by;
You’re not alone.
And we know that it’s not easy, but we know that it won’t last,
’cause one that loves you more than me is sending blessings fast.
You’re not alone, say it one more time,
“I’m not alone,”
And even when it’s hard to find the words, our prayers are heard;
We’re not alone.
You’re not alone.

The song was immediately followed by another recording, equally haunting, of my Grandma playing her piano and singing along to "As I have Loved You." I struggled unsuccessfully to contain my tears as I heard Mom softly singing along, and my heart broke as I saw my mom and my aunt, weeping silently as they gazed at their fragile mother with such tremendous and perfect love. Even my sweet Grandma cried tears of her own as she listened to her music and confessed that she could not recall when she had made that recording. That achingly beautiful moment in my Grandmother's living room is undoubtedly the most precious and profound experience of my life... and I'd give it all back in a heartbeat if it could somehow be traded for more time with her.

I learned that day that Grandma and Grandpa have Wisteria planted along their front porch. How could I not know this? Wisteria has always been my favorite flower and I have several young Wisteria plants of my own at home. Mom told us that they were stunned to see that the Wisteria had started a second bloom the other day.. something that vine has never done before. My mom told us that together they were able to carefully maneuver to the porch to view the delicate purple flowers as the morning sun peeked over the mountaintop. She described it to me as a perfect moment, one that I am so glad she shared with us.

The more I think about that Wisteria vine, the more I like to think that it could be a simple message of hope to those of us who are holding on so tightly - out of love, sadness and even desperate fear of losing those we love... I can imagine that message being something along the lines of , "Have faith that all things will be right again, because even as cherished blooms fade, there are other wondrous blessings in store as long as we remember to keep our eyes open for them."

We also laughed that day as we reminisced about the past, and we teased Mom and Dorothy about how silly they are whenever they get together. Remembering to laugh... that's the hardest thing to do right now because "normal" has changed and it would be so easy to give in to the sadness, but that would not honor Grandma's graceful spirit. So we try to grieve sparingly and cherish each and every moment we have right now.

Funny Moment of the Day:

Carley: "Abby and Linzie have always been opposite in everything they do. But they are the same because of it..that they are opposite makes them the same."

(Linzie and I giggled as we exchanged puzzled looks.)

Linzie: "That doesn't make any sense!"

Carley: "Shut up Linzie, you're making me sound stupid."

Linzie: (laughing)"I'm not the one talking!"