How can I properly pay tribute to the two little girls who defied the odds many times over? I began writing this entry on the morning of their birthday but try as I might, I could not find the words to adequately capture the spirit of the day - the day my little girls turned thirteen. All day my heart overflowed with emotion and I can only hope I am able convey to my girls how amazing and special they truly are. Abby and Linzie, you are both precious gifts to your family - on your birthday and every other day of the year. Never lose the strength, love and tenacity that you both possess, for I believe that those qualities are the very reasons why you are with us today.
Amid the chaos of our everyday lives, it is easy to forget that Abby and Linzie are walking miracles. As a young mother, I had desperately hoped for a second set of twins, but I did not count on the risks we would encounter… the heartache we would face, and the ultimate joy we would experience when the toughest challenges were conquered.
Twin to Twin Transfusion is not as hopeless for babies as it once was, but thirteen years ago the life saving surgery was still experimental and I could not predict what the future would hold for my precious, unborn daughters. I never gave up though.. and every time we encountered problems, I only had to think of the vivid dream I had (before I even knew I was expecting) about a little girl with dark curls who had told me her name was Linzie and that she had a sister who looked exactly like her. So we dug in our heels and prepared for the fight of our lives… the fight for their lives.
The pregnancy was anything but normal. At 18 weeks I traveled to Milwaukee for experimental LASER surgery to try and save Abby and Linzie's lives. It was risky, but I knew in my heart that it was our best hope and so I went. After the surgery, I had to be careful to limit my activity so the babies could continue to grow. It was a long summer filled with hopes and dreams. Not once did I regret the decisions I had made for their sake.
Born 7 weeks early into the too bright and too loud world, Abby was a tiny 2lbs 12 oz, and Linzie was 4lbs 14oz. Not even an hour after her birth, I was told that Linzie had a very dangerous heart condition and she had to be life-flighted to Primary Children’s Medical Center. I remember feeling devastated that we had come so far, beat so many odds, only to be blindsided by this news. I watched through my tears as they brought my tiny girl to my bedside so I could tell her goodbye. And then, just as quickly, they were gone. My heart hurt in a way I had never experienced before. I was angry that I was unable to accompany my baby in her time of need, and I struggled to accept the fact that we were once again locked in a desperate, life or death battle.. before we had even had time to breathe and celebrate their birth.
And so I cried.
The next day, I was allowed to see Abby in the NICU. After the sterilizing procedures, I was wheeled in to a room that smelled sharply of antiseptic and I searched through the maze of isolettes to find one that indicated my tiny girl was inside. I was not allowed to hold her, but I could reach through the portal and touch her tiny form… her entire hand was smaller than the end of my thumb. I wondered if she even knew who I was. I talked to Abby and told her how much I loved her… and I promised her that she was not alone. I told her that all of her sisters missed her very much and I hoped she and Linzie would both fight hard to get well so we could be together again.
I was released from the hospital on day three and insisted on going directly to PCMC to see Linzie. My little girl was beautiful, even amid the multitude of tubes, wires and monitors that engulfed her tiny body. I was so overwhelmed and so completely helpless. As a mother I am supposed to protect and care for my children.. but there was nothing I could do to help my baby. I could only love her and talk to her, and encourage her to fight.
When I eventually left Linzie’s bedside and headed home, I felt shattered. My family was scattered around the valley… Linzie was at PCMC, Abby at LDS NICU, and my other three little girls waited at home. I felt out of place and time and that feeling became my constant for the next month. I struggled with feeling angry toward innocent people who had the nerve to enjoy the beautiful fall days.. I struggled with feelings of guilt as I left Carley, Madie and Emily with babysitters every day so that I could visit the babies at the hospitals. And I struggled with a feeling of failure because I felt that I somehow should have done it better.
Our ICU experience lasted a month.. a month of highs and lows. I made friends in the NICU and cried when those friends experienced loss. I struggled with guilt as my girls got stronger while some babies around us lost their valiant fight. It was only a month and yet it changed my life. Since then I have seen my sister go through health trials with her children and I have friends who continue fighting the terrible battle for their children’s lives. Abby and Linzie taught me about the things that are truly important and it is a lesson I will never forget. As long as I have my girls, there is nothing I am lacking.
The years have flown by. My babies grew up and through it all we laughed, loved and experienced the purest joy of life. Linzie’s heart is strong and her compassion mighty. Abby started out so small and yet her spirit is giant. They are my true miracles and I cannot believe that it has been thirteen years! I am so grateful that I get to witness their lives and experience the joy each one brings to our family. I love you girls!
Abby, you are my little love bug. You are so full of compassion for your family and animals and you love to help your parents no matter what the task. I look at you now and marvel at the thought of you being born weighing a scant 2lbs 12oz. You have always been a fighter, and it is that strength that will help you navigate your way through life. You bring so much joy to everyone around you - and that gut laugh you have when you see an animal do something silly is one of the greatest pleasures on the planet! Abby, when you laugh you light up the room! I love seeing you excel at all you do and I know that there is nothing you cannot do, once you put your mind to it. Thank you for being my sweet Abby Julia - we love you so much! You make your parents proud every day!
Linzie, even before you were born you were doing your best to take care of your twin sister, Abby. You did the work for the two of you and a stronger, more compassionate heart I've never seen! Everyone that knows you is proud of all that you accomplish, and you seem to do it all with ease! Every conference I have ever had with one of your teachers has been a breeze because you work so hard at everything you set out to do. I also love it that you love books as much as I do, and I hope you never lose that thirst for knowledge. I love your smiles, your hugs and your kindness. You make it so easy for us to be your parents...we love you!
We had a great day of birthday celebration that started out with presents, waffles and Thirteen Going On 30.. followed by a strange movie (9) and a fun dinner at Garcias. I hope the two of you enjoyed your special day!
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