But there's something else on my mind this beautiful fall morning. Something that happened to me at the very end of September / beginning of October eleven years ago. Much like the changing leaves, I was at a turning point in my life.. only it wasn't colorful and beautiful. Actually, it was a very sad and confusing time for me. You might be wondering why I am thinking about a sad time when my favorite season is underway and bursting to pop from summer green to Skittles-colored happiness. It's mostly because a video camera showed up at our house recently... and when I say showed up, I really mean that I hunted it down on Ebay and paid WAY too much for the little sucker that is antiquated, clunky and hopefully won't break anytime soon. This Super 8 video camera has opened doors in my past that I slammed shut rather firmly... and then added in a bunch of nails and concrete barriers just for extra protection. It took eleven years for me to get over the hurt that was so normal for me back then, and this week it has all come rushing back at me as those previously sealed-off memories come flooding back in the form of miles and miles of videotape.
Don't get me wrong.. I have loved seeing my little babies and toddlers again. Oh how I ache to squeeze their little bodies and cover their plump baby cheeks with kisses as I stroke their downy soft hair... *sigh* Those little babies were (and still are) everything to me.. even though they aren't quite little babies anymore. But a funny thing happened while I was watching the recorded moments of a seemingly happy past. I felt anxious, nervous, and even scared on the inside. I kept feeling like I needed to get up and leave. I was genuinely uncomfortable as I saw my former self moving around like a robot... I was dieing on the inside and no one knew it. I am grateful I had 5 beautiful anchors to hold onto during those hard times. My girls alone kept me going long enough to get to the end of September, eleven years ago.
I know people don't usually talk about their darkest days. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. It's just been on my mind so much this week that I can't ignore it. Eleven years ago I couldn't see a future for myself. I was lost and I felt completely alone. I knew my marriage was essentially over, but what would I do with five little girls? I couldn't possibly support them on my own and I felt hopelessly stuck. It didn't help that I had three recent back surgeries and had to quit the pain medication cold turkey, against doctor's advice. I'm not kidding when I say that life was bleak back then. Thank heavens for my little girls who gave me every reason to keep going.
Just as the leaves were starting to change color, so did my life. Out of nowhere came someone who, unbeknownst to me, would give me the courage to turn everything around. It wasn't over night.. in fact, the complete change took years to carry out.... but it was just what I needed when everything else (except for my girls) had failed me.
This man came into my life and didn't sugar coat anything. He told me straight out how ridiculous it was for me to keep living a lie. He tried his very best to teach me that I deserved better and that I was the only one who could make the necessary changes to find happiness again. And do you know what I did for him in return? I put him through hell. I'm not even kidding. I was such a mess that I didn't understand what I was doing, and I regret it now, but I had no concept of normal at that point in my life. But he gave me the kick-start I needed.
I didn't like the hard truths he told me about my life. I reacted harshly to his observations and criticisms. I wanted to pretend that things weren't as bad as he thought, but somewhere deep down I felt the truth and the change had already started.
It hasn't been an easy road. I won't get into the details of it all, but it was a lot like being plopped down in Asia and having no language skills. I faltered and stumbled many times along the way. I had to discover who I was and make the changes to be the person I wanted to become... (That one's a constant work in progress.) There have been growing pains and a lot of tears along the way. There have been a few impressive shouting matches along the way as well. But I like to think those were all opportunities for growth.. and thank goodness my girls are patient and understanding with their mama!
Eleven years is a long time... I've been lucky to have someone by my side who has encouraged me to cast off the wimp in me and be brave and strong. I now know that I can do hard things. I know that he won't let me get away with feeling sorry for myself or not trying... and I both love and get annoyed with him for that. Eleven years ago I met my best friend during the darkest days of my life and I've now been married to him for eight of those eleven years. What a journey it has been!
I love fall for so many reasons, but today I love it because it represents the change in me that began at the end of September, eleven years ago. Thanks for believing in me, hon.
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