Mom! Mommy! Mama! Mother! Mom! Ma!

I've just decided that I do some of my most creative thinking on Saturday mornings. As I explored that revelation further, I came to the conclusion that this is because my dear husband is working hard in the tower, my darling family is still sleeping and I have my thoughts-
All. To. Myself.

Oh the freedom!

Don't get me wrong, I adore my family. It's just, how do I say this delicately? I think they're afraid that if they leave me alone for one second, I'll vanish like a sleepy dream and then they'll be like, "Dude, I had this gnarly dream about this lady that like took care of us, and entertained us, and it was hilarious to throw things at her because she kept coming back for more!" And then someone else would pipe in and say, "We saw that movie. It was Bicentenial Man, you knob!"

Robin Williams as a futuristic robot. Hilarious!

Seriously though, I have friends who have not yet taken that leap into parenthood and for them I have some advice. Follow the instructions written here and if you can pull it off without going bald, waking up with your spouse strangling you, or selling your Earthly possessions and running away to live Wilderness Family style in the Wal Mart parking lot, then congratulations! You're ready for parenthood!


1. Remove all of the doors in your house. Just throw them away. You don't need them anymore, not even in the bathroom. Privacy, what's that?

2. When someone calls you on the phone, immediately put them on speakerphone and call everyone into the room. Your conversations are not yours alone.

3. Buy a retro Jack in the Box and play with it until the little tune becomes the most lovely sound you've ever heard and you just can't live without it. Hum the tune everywhere you go, especially in board meetings. Other parents will smile knowingly at you.

4. When you have a fight with your spouse, take a moment to move out to the front lawn and continue there. Everyone that knows you will find out about it anyway when your kids post it on Facebook. At least this way they get a front row seat!

5. When you get paid, cash your check and pass it out to your kids. Tell them that they can spend it however they choose since they now get all of your money anyway.

6. Watch Nickelodeon all the time. Learn to love it. LEARN. TO. LOVE. IT!

7. Gather up your favorite possessions - Movies, books, electronics, etc. Take a sharp object and gouge the hell out of the dvds and then gather all the sticky substances from your fridge and pantry and have a party coating these valuables. Then throw them in the trash. Convince yourself that you don't miss them much anyway.

8. Take turns having random breakdowns in front of your spouse. Even better, invite your inlaws to watch. Cry, rant, accuse the other of not understanding you. Do not use tisues to wipe the snot from your nose, your sleeve works best. Then go find a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and give your spouse funny looks when he or she tiptoes into the room wearing a catcher's mask and football pads. Be sure to tell your spouse that you think he or she is completely overreacting to your breakdown.

9. Wait until the very last second to: fill your vehicle with gas, do your taxes, pay your bills, write the important presentation for your business meeting, and cook Thanksgiving dinner for 35 people. These "Hail Mary" skills will come in handy when your child tells you they have a science project due. Tomorrow!

10. Have your spouse's name legally changed to "Mama" or "Dad" Because that is how you will address them from now on, even though they are not your mother or your father.

11. Bounce a basketball off the hood of your shiny vehicle, repeatedly. Then get on a bike and gouge the paint from front to rear with the bike handle. There, that's much prettier!

12. Buy Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals cookbook. Then laugh at the fish section. No kid eats fish!

13. Turn up the volume on every television, stereo, and radio that you own to full blast. Then break the remote so you can't change it back. You only need one volume setting anyway.

14. Every time someone tells you something they did that day, respond with, "What were you thinking?" Believe me, you're going to need the practice!

15. Go to your local orthodontist and ask him where he likes to vacation. Offer to pay for his entire family to take a 2 week, all expense paid trip to the destination of his choice, hand him your credit cards. Walk away.

16. Tell your spouse, 15 times every day, how bored you are.

17. Wait until your spouse finishes putting away all of the groceries then stand in front of the fridge or pantry and declare that there is nothing to eat.

18. Paint the walls of your bedroom or bathroom with your best makeup.

19. Hide the car keys from each other, constantly. Do not help locate the keys when your spouse is late for work.

20. Begin every sentence with, "When I was your age.."

So there you have it. Crying is allowed. In fact, I believe it is a requirement when you become a parent. Red Badge of Courage has nothing on my Feel Sorry For Myself tears when the kids have spent the day shredding my nerve endings. I did mention how much I love them, right?